Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Proof That God, Or Whomever Is In Charge Of Crap, Wants Me To Stay Chunky

So Saturday evening I found myself with a little extra, “rawr” in my step, (to understand “rawr” you have to picture me with a saucy face, looking to do something with her pent up energy…sometimes helps if you picture me with my hands in a Cat Woman pose and an eyebrow raised, there ya go) so rather than write, clean or do something otherwise productive, I decided to hop on the treadmill, aka The World’s Most Expensive Hanger. I went for it, pulled the deposited clothes that I never wear, but never remember why until I try and put them on…”Ugh! Horrid” toss on the “hanger”….off the treadmill and plopped them on the bed, put on sweats and a t-shirt, laced up the now dusty running shoes and fired up the ipod. I so looked the part, if I had a sweat band I would have been sporting that mother f’er, I was a maniac, maniac on the floor-or.

Poured myself a deep glug of wine in my short stemmed glass, which fits beautifully in my cup holder on the “hanger”…don’t judge, some people drink those fruit flavored waters, others drink their 1500 calorie caramel coffees, I drink wine while I power walk and pretend to be Mary J. Blige. Glass of Domaine Sorin Rose, ($9.99) frosty and sitting in the holder, music blistering my ear drums and giant pile of ugly clothes sitting on the bed, I got my work out on, shifting the music to suit my mood, from Mary J to Guy, the whole time having a blast with my simple but mineral driven pink wine and baggy sweats. Just as I was getting to my, “wow I’m getting tired” moment, (which is, I mean who are we kidding, like 30 minutes in) I felt a little pang of, “ouch” in my left….hind quarter, not to worry, I was just about outta “rawr” anyway so I jumped off the hanger and bent down to untie my shoes….damn, OUCH! “Stretch it out” I told myself, you know…like the athlete that I am, stretch and bend and, Dammit…OUCH!

Spent the evening favoring my left backside, trying not to enflame the already annoyed area. I have had lower back and sciatic problems for years, ever since I had my son almost 20 years ago…it has gotten better and my bouts with back pain have been lessening over the years but I could tell that I had better take it easy. Had a bit of a restless night, my natural instinct to turn on my side was met with a teeth jarring pain and the need to flip into an unnatural position. Woke up Sunday morning feeling hazy, not that unusual but this time it was not booze induced, I hadn’t slept that well.

When I came to enough to climb out of bed, I took it easy, shifting a bit under the covers to test the ol’ back waters…..things seemed okay so I sat up and placed my feet on the ground, scrunching the carpet fibers between my toes and stood….dammit OUCH, clearly worse. I made my old lady walk to the living room and tried to ready myself for a day full of social obligations, lunch with my buddy Nancy and her husband and dinner with Merritt, her family and her new boyfriend, I would be playing the part of parent “buffer” for that event, no time to be all wounded, I had things to do. Hurt at home or hurt out with friends, friends that might be willing to get me a drink to help dull the ache that was creeping up my entire back and down my leg…gotta go with the friends on this one.

I swear I must have looked like Gollum from The Lord of the Rings in the shower that morning, hunched over, shivering and clearly in ugly pain. Got ready and met with Nancy and Johan for noodles and beer, I passed on beer and had a couple glasses of Albarino with my noodles…that I ate on the backless bench the restaurant had as seats…whimper. After lunch the group wanted to take a little walk around 4th street…”why do you all hate me?” I thought, but walk I did…for a bit before having to admit that I was done and needed to lay down, (shaking fists in the air) “damn you weak back…damn you”. Came home, sprawled on the bed, on my tummy, which for busty girls…not so comfy, and drifted off for a much needed 30 minute nap. Played around on the interwebs for a bit, touched up my sleepy face and headed out for dinner.

Couple of glasses of double IPA and some marginal BBQ later, I was talking with Merritt and the group in front of the restaurant, talking led to laughter, which led to me being bent over like a jackass on Main Street in Seal Beach, trying to quiet the screaming in my back. I needed bed and I needed it then, so what did I do? Yeah, I sat up drinking a bottle of 2007 La Cabotte Cotes du Rhone, ($10.99) letting myself get lost in the plumy fruit and sexy spice, enjoying the upfront roundness of the wine and diggin’ the wicked sharp acidity that kept the wine from clunking up my pouty palate, bed schmed…this was wicked tasty.

Woke up at like 3 something in the morning, hobbled to the bedroom, brushed my wine covered teeth and flopped into bed. Monday morning I was hoping that things would have loosened up but my little couch nap did nothing but piss off the pain in my ass…awesome. Had nowhere to go so spent the day puttering around the house trying to take it super easy on the lower back/bum. This morning I woke to find that I had a splitting pain in the freaking center of my back…wtf?! Turns out all the favoring of my “ouchie” had created another, the center of my back, right between my shoulder blades was swollen and too sensitive to touch…rad.

Now the shower, when you are a gimp…well, it just blows, I know all my bits aren’t as clean as they should be but that reaching and bending was more than I could bare today…at one point my left leg went a bit numb and I felt like it was about to slip out from under me…”That’s it, I have to see someone. NOW” Sent a text to work letting them know I might be a bit late and made my way to the back fixer guy. “Well you’ve done a number on yourself here. Wow, that must feel like someone took your legs and your shoulders and twisted you in two opposite directions” the doctor dude chuckled. Now I don’t know if it was the pain or lack of sleep but it took everything I had not to rip his stoopid doctor head off, “Oh really asshole, you think that is funny or useful in some way? You went to school for this?” my “rawr” was back but not in the fun Cat Woman hand pose way….I was about to go all Pitbull on his ass.

“I’m going to start you on steroids and I recommend taking 3-5 days off, just to be off your feet and let the swelling go down. After that I think physical therapy might be in order” my back felt tighter than ever, I can’t take that much time off, not to mention I would go batshit laying on my back for three days, seems worse than the dagger plunging pain in my left haunch. I made it to work only to find after a few hours that I was done for, I had to have at least one, flat on my back day so tomorrow it is…shit.

The moral of the story is the powers that be have punished me for trying to work out…I think whomever is in charge rather likes having us chunky girls around, maybe he/she is a chubby chaser, maybe he/she needs us here to remind those barfing girls not to eat too much…dunno, but the powers that be are not playin’ and this girl has heard the word….for now. Thankfully I have killed enough of my brain cells that I will likely forget all about this and attempt a work out again, someday soon, let’s just hope it is with better results!


Anonymous said...

Absolutely hilarious! Thanks for a laugh filled work-out on my end. Definitely channeling Bridget Jones with way more sass.

Anonymous said...


I love this; even in pain you shelf-talk :)

You write very well, but the story you tell is sadly familiar. Back pain does suck, and when it interferes with exercise (which is like always) sucks more. The only thing it seems I can always do when my back is flaring is walk. Not much fun, no adrenaline rush, no great outpouring of testosterone (in my case) but I can walk, briskly, and an hour of that helps my mood.

In full flare up, you may just have to wait it out indeed. My heart goes out to you, friend.


Amy Rust said...

Very funny--but one thing is missing in your piece. Where are the serious prescription pain drugs? Always get pain pills, just in case. Get better and rest--seriously.

Anonymous said...

it is times like this where I must agree with what this Amy Rust person said. I may even take it a step further.

Go to one of those doctors at the back of the OC Weekly or Grunion, and pick up a prescription that can be filled at any state licensed dispensary.

Anonymous HB Poster

Anonymous said...


Nancy Deprez said...

Zoiks! Didn't realize you were hurting so damn much! I hope you feel better by today!

Samantha Dugan said...

Thanks to everyone for the well wishes and um....advice, looks like a chunk of my readership are stoners...makes perfect sense.

Went out to dinner last night and tried to kill the pain with Gin...the good news, my back feels better today. The Bad news, my head does not...