Sunday, May 10, 2009

You Know What....(Not A Wine Post)

So I swear I am working on, (and by “working on” I mean all the details are swimming around in my melon, just waiting to be put on…well, not paper but screen) 2 wine posts, (visiting Frenchmen and a glorious white Burgundy evening recap) but I woke this morning, flipped on the news and this thing was in my face….again. It came up 3 times yesterday and BLAMO all over the news again first thing this morning….and just want to say, (it would be Stop It but since that was my last post) I Don’t Care, not only that, I am so pissed off at the morality police that seem to be foaming at the mouth about this stuff, this stuff that in none of their business.

The issue at hand? Affairs. Before I go any further, let me just put on the table the way I feel about this personally. First of all it’s not something I spend much if any time thinking about, I love my husband and am very confident that he loves me…kinda all I really care about, I just cannot imagine weaving a thought process about something that may or may not happen about something or an event that I had nothing to do with. I don’t think people cheat because of their spouse, they cheat or they don’t, and spending a lot of time trying to figure out “why” is a giant waste of time, not to mention if you believe everything is about you…that might be the bigger problem.

Now in my relationship it is wildly believed, (and yes we have talked about this with others) that if one of us were to “step out” it would probably be me, not sure why that is other than I am out more and tend to make friends with men pretty easily. The truth is I have no intention of running around on my husband, just not something that crosses my mind, maybe I’m just not that sexual a person, but should it happen I just can’t see why that would mean I love my husband any less and I feel the same way if it were Carl that “stepped out”. I just don’t see love and sex as the same thing, matter of fact there was more than once that I had sex with someone that I didn’t even like, let alone love, so the two don’t always go hand in hand in my mind.

Do I want to cheat or have my husband cheat…hell no, but I don’t think it is the absolute worst thing that can happen. Now some very close friends of ours are in the other camp, one night with another and it would over for them….I think the point I am trying to get at is, there is not and should not be only one way to see this whole cheating thing, so when you hear about an affair don’t go making assumptions about….you know what, howz about we stop hearing about them in the first place! I sure as shit don’t want the world’s prying eye in my bedroom and I have no interest in peering into yours.

So last night as I was checking in a customer that was attending our White Burgundy seminar I mentioned that it was probably going to be a short evening as I was hoping to get home in time to catch a bit of the Laker game. He then spurts out, “well I don’t like the Lakers” I shrugged my shoulders and said, “well, I do and I had to miss most of the last game, so I am really looking forward to it” he then goes on to tell me a few of the reasons he disliked my beloved team. I listened and tried not to let the comments get under my skin, that was until this little gem came flying out of his mouth, “Ultimately, I cannot forgive Kobe for cheating”…..blink….blink. “Wow, I had no idea you two were married” was my tight lipped response, followed quickly by, “You know I really don’t care about that” I swear you would think I just crapped on the floor by the look on his face. I was beyond baffled, how could this guy feel betrayed by someone that had made no commitment to him? I chalked it up to weird and tried to put it out of my mind.

I got home not in time to catch any of the Laker game, but in time to watch Bill Maher, (very good one by the way) and the topic of cheating was up again, this time it was John Edwards and how his fling may cost him his political career, and maybe his wife. Now losing his wife, that is between he and his wife but losing his career?! Over a brief fling?! We are going to toss away a smart, compassionate, articulate politician over something we had NO BUSINESS knowing or caring about in the first place…utter bullshit.

Then this morning it was Jon of Jon & Kate Plus Eight and speculations about an affair…I just about lost it! For a country that uses sex as its number one marketing tool, we are pretty tight assed when it comes to sexuality…and why is it that anyone gives a rat’s ass about other people’s marriage?! Don’t you have your own shit to deal with? No one knows what kind of relationship any of the afore mentioned people have, what they value and what is really important to them as a couple, but we label these guys as cheaters or bad husbands….well, if you are not married to them, then you don’t get to call them that, and more importantly, stop pointing cameras in these women’s faces, forcing them to be defensive about something that they may have known about and chosen to ignore or not make a big deal about! How about a little, don’t ask don’t tell about other people’s relationships?!

I went into work in a freaking tizzy and was ranting to anyone that would listen, arguing my point and challenging people on every comment they made about infidelity, other than that between themselves and their partners. One staff member told me a story about a friend that had cheated, and how angry they were at this friend when it came out, but this friend was very remorseful and over time my coworker was able to forgive them…but said, “If he hadn’t have been so torn up about it I don’t know if I could have forgiven him”, my coworker then went on to tell me that this poor sap was in a horrible marriage and ended up getting a divorce anyway….um, the moral of that story was? Maybe minding your business and not passing moral judgment on your “friends” is how to NOT waste your time and unwarranted emotion? I just kept thinking, “Would you be as pissed off if this friend cheated on his taxes? Because you know, that does really affect YOU”…argh!

I am just so tired of all this; who we should marry, how we should be married…for a country with an alarming divorce rate we certainly have a lot of opinions…and you know what, we are beginning to look like assholes.


vickibarkley said...

Don't get it myself. Of course, 51% of people in California voted to nullify my marriage.

Affairs? I think they're part of life, and immaterial to one's job performance, especially since most professions are separate from love and sex. I know that the rules in my relationship center around monogamy, but if those rules were breached, it would have nothing to do with our roles as parents, teachers, citizens, etc. People have to live their lives, and can do so best without a lot of (usually) hypcritcal scrutiny.

Samantha Dugan said...

Just for the record, I am still baffled that Iowa is more enlightend than California on gay marraige...I was going to get into that too, but this post had so many directions it could have gone, I had to just focus on the shit that has been splashed all over the television, otherwise it would have been GI-normous.

I wish I had made it clear that I was mostly speaking about, but not limiting it to, brief flings and one night stands, I just cannot see throwing away a life of love, partnership and as NOT sexy as it sounds but, work...because of a stupid mistake. I mean if you wrote a novel and spelled something wrong would you throw the whole thing out?!

I think respect is very important, so if MY partner were habitually cheating I would see that as a sign of disrespect, both for my feelings and possibly to my health, so for me...that would be a sign that maybe it is time to move on, but that is for me, for someone else it might not. I'm just so tired of hearing people tell other people where their line that ought not be crossed is.

I don't know, just seems like people are so jealous, like they are pissed off that someone broke the rules that they have had to follow...and they are clearly not happy that someone may have gotten something or away with something that they themselves could not. Reminds me of those kids that scream and cry when another kid at the birthday party got a better toy in their goodie bag.

You ever notice that people seem to relish in bringing "famous" people down? You think they would be as rabid if it was their friend or their sibling? I doubt it...I think they like watching famous people twist in the wind because it proves that they are not better than the jealous masses...well, in book they are better because they could not give a shit who any of us may or may not be sleeping with!

Rarw, I'm getting all fired up again!

vickibarkley said...

Absolutely something to be said for the jealousy angle. There is a tendency to build people up, and then tear them down. Also, I think that as far as politicians are concerned, a significant part of the problem is the breach between church and state that has been happening since Jimmy Carter was so publicly Christian in his presidency, and then the political activism of Christian Right in the 1980's. Since then, Americans have considered it a right to scrutinize politicians' private lives, as if their religious affiliation and marriages or sexuality were the most important job qualification. Of course, this reduces the US to arguing over personal issues like abortion, gay rights, medical marijuana, and assisted suicide, which have no place in a secular society. It just diminishes all of us, in my view.


But, the pendulum is swinging, and I think we're coming into a period of more enlightenment. What do they say? Two steps forward, one step back?

Great post, by the way. I'm enjoying the dialogue.

vickibarkley said...

Let me clarify...those issues, gay marriage, abortion, etc., DO belong in a secular society. It's the continual public arguments about them that distract us from real issues: war, the environment, poverty, etc.

Samantha Dugan said...

I know right? George W Bush was faithful to his wife but started a war, fucked with our civil liberties and approved of torture, oh okay and John Edwards is the prick?! Seriously screwed up "values" in my book!!

Siren said...

separating love and sex is . . . so detached. I mean, it's weird to hear/see/read you fling that out there like that. Man or woman, i defy that. Love and sex ARE the same thing, at least they are supposed to be, that is what makes us human, that is why we teach our children to wait to give up their virginity, don't be promiscuous when you are young - wait for the right, loving relationship.

Why? Because it's a gift and a miracle. Sex is a lot of things. It's something that can create life, create other human beings. It's also something that can cause a lot of emotional damage if you do it with the wrong person, esp when you are young. And it's also something that can be really fulfilling. So enough on that point, but i don't agree that love and sex are not the same thing, that they are completely separate.

But, as for politicians and public figures and their private lives - sure, they should be kept private. They shouldn't have to apologize to us for the hurts they cause their families. They should, however, in my opinion, hold themselves to a higher moral standard, or a high moral standard in the first place, when they are in positions of respect and honor, representing the rest of us. Representing the people, the citizens, America. I mean, the world is laughing at us.

But one thing i really hate is how these wives always have to get up and do the Stepford wife robot supportive thing. It's just revolting. Even when Hillary did it. ick.

Samantha Dugan said...

First of all thanks for taking the time to post and share your feelings on this subject, in the end it seems that we are somewhere near being on the same page, as far as not subjecting spouses to cameras in the face and the fact that we don't need to know EVERYTHING about people's lives...I think.

I absolutely respect the fact that you see sex and love as the same thing, I find it admirable when people have such strong convictions, and if you stand behind them? Well even better....but all I am asking, from anyone is to allow everyone the same. I believe in fidelity, I have been with the same man for 15 years, so I'm not advocating running around willy nilly putting your parts on other people. What I was getting at is that just as I have no right to tell you what to expect from your relationships, you, or anyone else for that matter have the right to tell people what to expect from theirs.

For me, I am just not that romantic about sex, I didnt wait for marriage to have it, and I feel that for ME I made the proper choice about that...again, for me. Nor did I tell my son that he should do so...I did tell him that I thought sex was more enjoyable with someone you love but I dont think he will be damaged by having sex with someone he does not.

Thanks again for weighing in, I love that we all have our own feelings about this stuff...which is of course why I brought it up in the first place.