Friday, December 4, 2009

You Haunt Me




I walked out the back door of The Wine Country this evening and the second I felt the skin on my bare forearms constrict I knew you would be with me all night; I would not be able to stop thinking about you….wanting you. I’m tortured by thoughts of you, those thoughts that send shivers down my spine, make me ache, make me remember, they are always with me but on a night like tonight, a cold, quiet Friday night…I am consumed by my thoughts of you.

I found myself flipping the station on the radio in the car on my way home, pause for a second or two, hover on a song looking for something, anything that might bring up some other memory, some other feeling, and yearning for some flicker, some tiny spark….something to distract me. I found myself searching for words, phrases, choruses, harmonies…something mindless, less intense, less you, but it only takes one, “I will”, “I want” one, “We” and I am right back in your grasp, bound to you…bound by my need, my ache, my desire for you.

My walk from my car to my apartment feels so long on nights like these, like it is taking me twice as many steps, my bags are bogging me down, my frame too weak to carry my deficient soul…like my desire is weighing on me, my overwhelming want feels tied to each leg like a forty pound brick…each step, agonizing…jarring, a reminder that when I reach my stoop, unlock my door, I won’t find you there. Hopeless, feels so fucking hopeless…my whole body telling me what I need, what will fulfill me, soothe the pulling knots in my tummy, it’s there, just not with me, not tonight, not yet.

I open the door to find my home just as I left it, my piles of magazines left unread, my blanket, the one that warms my feet, snuggles my thighs, is still sitting tossed on the end of the couch where I left it, my unopened mail still waiting for my attention, my wine glass from the night before still sitting on the table. The smells that greet me are the ones I find every night, the ones that remind me that I am home, that old library smell…my home, my safe place, but tonight, tonight I am not safe, not at all comforted by these aromas, they only remind me of what I don’t have, what’s missing…you.



Something about my haze made dealing with the evenings essential needs easy to coast through, get food, pick up the clutter, chat with the neighbors, all things I was able to do but I have no real recollection of really being a part of. I was there, my body and voice were there but me, the real me, the one that has felt you course through her body, well I was off somewhere remembering you, your scent, your touch, the way you feel when you slip beneath my skin…I was with you.

I felt my blinks lasting longer, like I could hold you closer, pull you closer if I could just shut out everything else…no lights, no television, no yet unread magazines, like each second in the darkness of my own body was one more second that was just ours, me with you in our space…I swear I could feel you slipping inside me, I could smell you, taste you…feel you. I wanted, needed, still want and need more….I would wait for no one the way I have and do wait for you. Only you can move me this way, just you…I have others that can fill me, touch me and make me feel amazing, but there is just something about you, haunting…you haunt me.

Your unique brand of seduction, the way you slither around me, the way I can smell you, feel you, days after we have spent a night together, the way I can taste you when I hear your name, only you can do this to me. I feel your fingers tugging at me, pulling me, making me move like some drunk with passion puppet that you can make dance, skip, crumble…all at your hand, only your hand, and when you have finished with me I will pull myself up by my own strings and…be back for more.



Burgundy, why don’t I have more aged red Burgundy at home?! I want, need, ache for more aged Pommard, Volany and Savigny-les-Beaune…damn, I want you.

17 comments:

Michael Hughes said...

Lets build a time machine & go back for a bunch of Burgundies, maybe a stop over for Barolo & Brunellos. We could stash them somewhere safe & by the time we get back they'll be nice & aged.

The Wine Whore said...

I think I need a cigarette after reading this! :)

Cheers!

Samantha Dugan said...

Michael,
If only we could.

The Wine Whore,
Yeah, Burgundy has that same affect on me.....

Marcia Macomber said...

Great tone piece (and artwork). You leave us clinging to the edge of the seat in anticipation of the next line. Keep 'em coming, Girl!

vickibarkley said...

I'm consistently amazed at how Burgundies have that power. I know exactly what you're speaking of.

Ron Washam, HMW said...

My Gorgeous Samantha,

I know exactly how that feels. I didn't know, not until about five months ago, but once you find that need, once the object of your passion gets hold of your heart, it's torture. Oh, sure, it's sweet torture. So many people go their whole life and never know that kind of devotion and passion, never know the ache of a passion's absence, so it's a good feeling, that lustful yearning. But nothing, absolutely nothing, can quench that sexual thirst except the one love you must have, the one that completes you.

I need more aged White Burgundy.

And you.

I love you

Your HoseMaster

Samantha Dugan said...

Marcia,
Thanks lady, was fun to write...felt I had to write it, like I might die if I didn't. Thanks for reading as always and well...you know I thrive on comments so thanks for taking the time to.

Vicki,
Felt like I was in pain I wanted it so badly. My skin even ached, never known a desire more intense...well, you know, for wine.

My HoseMaster,
Sounds as if you "gots it bad" for Burgundy as well, nothing...there is nothing like it. Guess that's a good thing, otherwise we might forget how truly special, remarkable, desperately beautiful that kind of desire can be. Had a feeling I might hear from you on this one....

John M. Kelly said...

I have no willpower whtn it comes to red Burgundies, and don't have enough $$ to buy cases. I buy bottles and hide them from myself in the wine locker. This takes an act of willful self-deception - damn this perfect memory! - since I actually know exactly where every bottle is. Every now and then I will discover that OOOH! here's something I had nearly forgotten! And then I can sit back, take my time, savor, slowly let the layers fall away as you reveal yourself to me, mesmerize me with your seductive charms. I'm a fool for you, baby.

Samantha Dugan said...

John,
Okay first of all, it is so nice to see you...I've missed you so. Secondly, I see you too have been grazed by the seductive teeth, that sexy as hell nibble of Burgundy...that heart pounding, just-this-side of painful sting as it pierces your skin, slips into your blood stream and never leaves. Wrecked, I have seen more people wrecked by Burgundy than any other wine.

John M. Kelly said...

Sam:

It is good to be sort of back and on the mend. Someday my life will even be back close to normal (whatever passed for "normal" for me in the past, that is).

Wrecked? Yes, wrecked and broke, like from a bad gambling habit. It takes all my self-discipline to put money away for the kids' college - hell, to buy food, for that matter. At the very least, great red Burgundy has wrecked me for all other wines.

Maybe I've told you this before. Years ago (way before kids and back in the day when these wines were not so spendy) there were five of us tasting old red Burgundies at a winemaker friend's house. We had opened and finished at least a case. Three of us had fallen asleep at the table. I and one other guy - a German from New Zealand who makes some Pinot - were sort of resting our chins on our fists on the table as we opened just one more Volnay - can't recall the vintage or producer for some reason, there seems to be a haze. Anyway, we stuck our noses in the glass and both sort of went "aaahhhh..." Then this guy opens one eye and says to me "John... John... this wine is naked unwashed women running through the forest!" And I knew exactly what he meant.

WRECKED, I tell you!

Samantha Dugan said...

John,

You and I, led around by our Pinot we are.

The Woo said...

Nice. Burgundy is a total heartbreak wine... on this I have to agree with Randy. I'm really getting into it, but seriously, there is a fair amount of heartbreak out there. Drinking windows, vintage (not mention bottle) variation... and the unfortunate occurence of early/premature oxidation of the Whine Burgs... makes me wanna cry.

HOWEVER, I remember my epiphanic Burgundy moments like my first kiss... I think you and I have discussed that analogy before... I find myself constantly chasing that experience through Burgundy. Seriously. Sometimes spending untold large amounts of dollars (don't tell Tammy!) on the chase... and just when you decide it won't come back, you taste something and WHAMO back you are. With the gentle kiss of the softest lips... the consuming taste of a great Burg... and the chase begins again.

Richard said...

Awesome writing, young lady. I was having a Burgundy conversation last night with a few friends while plowing through some very good Cali PN's. Mostly about me, while loving Burgundy, being afraid of what it would due to my bank account (and heart, if the comments here are any indication). Not that I would expect to come between you (any of you) and Burgundy, I would be interested if any one has tried Salinia PN (WE Bottoms V'yard, Sonoma Coast).

cheers,
richard

Samantha Dugan said...

Woo,
Just like a great love, when it makes you feel things so intensely it can break your heart but...fuck, what a way to go. I swear Burgundy is the only wine that inspires this kind of conversation....the kind of talk where you can no longer tell if you are talking about wine or a lover, dig it.

Richard,
Thanks darlin'! I will not be the one to urge you to seek out Burgundy, keep at it until you have that moment, that naked, unwashed woman in the woods moment...but should you do so, you know where to come to talk about it! I have not had Salina but am hoping someone can chime in for ay.

Anonymous said...

Richard--

I work with Samantha, and she asked me to respond about the Salinia Pinot. I have tried the wine (the 2006)--it's very tight right now, not showing much, but clearly they're trying for a wine with the weight and balance of a Burgundy. It's definitely not a ripe, thick oozemonster of a pinot, but something much more medium-bodied and only moderately ripe. I think it has potential, but there's no track record yet, so we'll see.

Sam's poetry (and I think that's the right description) about aged Burgundies is wonderful. Believe it or not, I've actually had a few (very few) aged domestic pinots that replicate the experience. I love aged/mature wines of all kinds. Few wine lovers seem to have the patience anymore. So sad.

Samantha Dugan said...

Anon aka Bennett Traub, (The Wine Country's New World buyer and long time wine lover),

Thank you for taking the time to answer that for me, just like we say at the shop, "I don't know but I can find you someone that does" so there you go Richard, hope that helps. Oh and Bennett, thanks for the poetry comment, very kind amigo.

Richard said...

Bennett - Thanks for the response. I had the 2007 Sunday night, we decanted it and I thought it was beautiful, much lighter in style than what I'm used to, but had excellent balance, and structure. I was very impressed. I have enjoyed the winemakers efforts with Pinot at LIOCCO as well. I also enjoy my wines (usually) with some age on them, and have had beautiful RRV pinots from Gary Farrell and Williams-Selyem from the early to mid 1990's recently.

thanks again,
richard