Thursday, December 10, 2009

Um, Stop It

So I was just in the middle of writing a post about a wine critic that came off like a self inflated, self important jackass and I did something I almost never do, I went back and reread my post…um, remind me never to do that again. I tend to be one of those, pound it out, tell your story, copy, paste, steal some pictures off the Internets, and post kinda gals. I don’t like reread the stuff I write, hell my typos and missing words should attest to that. Not sure what prompted me to look, must have been some form of self preservation…like that time I thought it would be sexy to take nude photos in the tub…dude, (head shaking) I’m just sayin’…dude. Anyway, I went back and read, started out good I think but as I continued reading I found myself saying, “What a self important, self inflated jackass”. Yeah so nothing all that new but I wasn’t feeling it tonight. Lost myself in mindless television, (God love it) and a whole new form of inspiration hit me…gotta just say

Stop It

This is Not cute, nor is it even funny at this point. It's gross, unsettling and might be the reason people think we’re jackholes

Anything that they call, "Lip Venom" or makes your lips swell up when you put it on, well this just sounds like a bad plan.

They are gone people, just like they were last year and the year before that.

Okay now this junk makes you grow eyelashes. Grow lashes and grow them darker...where the fuck have I been, this is a problem?! Man I gotta work on my girlie but damn, really? Now this stuff can cause a darkening of the lash line, (which can be fixed) and a browning of the colored part of the eye, (that cannot). Now let me get this straight...we are now willing to discolor our eyeballs and junk and for what? Is there some man or woman going, "Oh yeah, she's freaking smokin' but....those lashes. I'm out"????

Stop it..not him but YOU! If you are at all shocked that a wealthy man, and an athlete no less, is stepping out, well than you might consider growing up. Burns my ass and makes me wonder, "Are you mad that he did it or mad that You don't?" Plus he is smokin' hot, (just look at those lashes) and I don't know who wouldn't.

Ladies this is a sweet gesture, I like the idea I really do but....and I mean this in the nicest possible, (remember the bathtub photos) way, they don't go to those clubs because those girls really know how to work the pole. Not sure what they told you but, the real draw is not to see someone on a pole, it's to see someone ELSE on a nekkid and junk. If the reason you want to go to these pole dancing classes is to, "put a little spice" back into the ol' love life, than that's great, very cool and I tip my tie to your courage...but if the reason has anything to do with competition, let me just plant this little seed----imagine your sweet husband, all snuggled in the bed, little belly flap resting sweetly on the mattress, cute little hairs sprouting from his many moles. You love him, he is adorable, you have been through everything together...the house payments, the Holiday parties, (he loves those) the family dinners, the shopping, bill paying. That's love, that's commitment, so sweet and honest.

Now picture Brad Pitt, George Clooney or Denzel Washington, (I'll just use...oh, I don't know, Dave Matthews. C'mon Google alert) sitting on a bed, a bed with white sheets, in a pair of faded Levi's 501's, raising is strong powerful right hand, reaching over his left shoulder and pulling the white T-Shirt over his head....handing you a glass of Champagne and saying, "How's my gorgeous girl?".... as far as "fantasy" goes, see what I'm saying? In the ever brillant words of some dude, (Dave Matthews..Google Alert) "I'm not all bad but I'm a faithful sinner, I might get lost but I'll be home for dinner"


Amy said...

Guess who the spokesperson is for Latisse? Brooke Shields! She has pimped out everything in her career--from Tupperware to Colgate toothpaste. Take notes while watching TV. She is everywhere selling crap. If someone is really worried about their lashes, put an extra coat of mascara on--plenty of other annoying people selling that.

Samantha Dugan said...

Yeah I know, she was the one that pissed me off the night I posted this stupid piece. Lashes are HUGE this year, every other fucking comercial is about getting bigger, plumper, longer, darker lashes....what the hell? What about those of us that wear glasses? My lashes already bump against my lenses, not looking to make the situation worse. So now I have to be envious of lashes???? Um, whatever.

John M. Kelly said...

Amy - and aren't there pictures out there of Brooke Shilelds nekkid in a bathtub? Likely, but maybe I'm just thinking of Blue Lagoon. Whatever, she's been her own brand like forever.

And she's tall, which I kinda dig. So yeah, I don't care what she puts on her eyelashes, as I imagine coming out of the bathroom in my boxers, and she's in the bed with just the sheet over her, which she lifts aside as she purrs "come here big boy." Yep that could work for me - and probably did 20 years ago.

Because Sam you are so right about the difference between real love and fantasy! (He says, thinking about that long white hair sticking out of his left nostril he was just gently reminded that he should probably pluck by his lover of over 25 years.)

I imagine Tiger could be great fantasy fodder. And I don't imagine too many women have ever said "no" to him, though I hope for the sake of his self-esteem he has been able to say "no" to at least some of the many thousands that surely have thrown themsleves at him over the years.

Sure there's the predictable "tsk tsk"-ing at Tiger's indiscretions from the usual suspects - the same muddle-heads who think getting a hummer from an intern in the Oval Office is an impeachable offence, while really big lies - not to mention theft of taxpayer money to pay off cronies, oh, and torture - get a complete pass.

No I think the reason Tiger's sponsors are distancing themselves from him, and the reason he is taking an indefinite leave from golf, has less to do with him banging porn stars than it does with the fact that his wife beat his ass with a golf club for it when she caught him. Now that's funny as hell if you are into irony, but suddenly he looks more like a pussy than a Tiger.

Not that any of this has anything to do with wine, but then that's the fun of it - it doesn't have to. And BTW - good on you for re-reading your post and deciding "um, no." Remember some of us out here have your back no matter what, so we appreciate your being careful of what you drag us into.

Cheers - John

Ron Washam said...

My Gorgeous Samantha,

A self-important, pompous wine critic? Wow, that narrows it down. Hey, wait a minute, you weren't going to go after me, were you?

Yup, the Wine Spectator Wine of the Year is always long since sold out. As I've said before, it's as if People Magazine named Heath Ledger the "Sexiest Man No Longer Alive." Which, if Tiger keeps it up, might be his title next year. Though keeping it up doesn't seem to be his problem. Unless he thinks women are like golf and the guy with the fewest strokes wins...

I love you!

Your HoseMaster

Samantha Dugan said...

I still like the point I was trying to make in that post I was writing but don't think there is any way for me to make it without thumping my chest and pointing it may be scrapped for good, fucking hate that.

Fantasy is all good and I often wonder why women are kind of tight assed, (or tight lipped is more likely) about it. It's thrilling, makes you feel alive and sexy...wanted, no bigger turn on than that right? Looking, a little touching or whatever does NOT mean he loves you less or you are not hot enough, (ask Tiger's smoking hot wife)just gets the juices flowing if you ask me...which no one does, why is that?

My HoseMaster,
Okay you using the word stroke made me have me on "alert" all the time....and I dig it. Love you for's thrilling, makes me feel alive....

Nancy Deprez said...

Totally agree!!!

David McDuff said...

Here's another for your list, Sam, and it's even sort of wine related. Saw it in "The Tasting Panel" (don't even get me started on that...) and just had to laugh.

Samantha Dugan said...

Very "Christmas Story"....little more you can do but shake your head, well that and snicker at the people that will think that quite the, "classy" gift!