Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Less Than Grande Dame
You know, when you work retail for as long as I have, (13 years) you see a rather staggering array of human behavior on a daily basis. I mean I know I have it much better than most, it’s not like I work at the DMV or Walmart, (people seriously, you have to check out peopleofwalmart.com magic, that site is just magic) or anything, most of the people that enter the doors of The Wine Country are perfectly civilized, kind, fun loving and they obviously like to get their drink on. Sure we have some kooky regulars, people that hork cheese while yammering about cat piss, animal dung, (what up with the wine and animal, “functions” comparisons? Might want to get out of the house more kids…just sayin) test our patience and can on occasion get on our nerves as I am sure we get on theirs…part of that whole, “I know you too well and you’re buggin the shit outta me” thing. But for the most part, we gots it pretty good at The Wine Country, I adore our customers, they are more than accepting of me and my, um…voice, they find my bites charming and know that all we are trying to do is share wine and run a business…like I said, I adore them. That being said, there are some real challenging individuals that come through from time to time…Friday night got me thinking….I might need to have a, “Character of the Week” feature here at Sans Dosage.
I find myself in awe at least twice a week, and while I have no desire to make anyone feel bad, (so I will not be including names or too much of a physical description) this stuff is too good to not share. Time to quit with the, “Oh My God” stares back and forth with the staff, time to use this space, my living journal, (thank you customer in the parking lot for telling me to stop calling it a blog and keep writing) to share some of this crap…it’s good for me, good for us, sharing is cathartic right? So yeah, Friday night….
Right about 7:00 on the nights of my events I find myself in a full on tizzy, I’m a wreck…my nerves are shot, my palms sweaty and I suffer a pretty severe case of the erps as it were, seriously feel like my legs are gonna give and I might wretch. People tell me this will subside, I’m still waiting…think 7 years is too long to wait? I suck at public speaking, I feel completely naked and man do I hate being naked in front of 30 people. I am confident in my knowledge of the wines, just wigged out that I may flub, or choke as I did this last tasting….got everyone’s eyes on me and my throat seizes up and I start hacking…dude. Anyway, I am in full freak out mode this last Friday and she walks in.
Hard to miss really, very “clad” in purple, very loud and she had this, Rosanne Barr, Momma Cass kind of look and feel. I heard her long before I saw her and found myself peering around the corner of the kitchen, (where yes, I was hiding) to see what all the hub-bub was about. As my eyes met the source of the noise I found myself making one of those Little Rascals faces, that sharp head jerk, big eyed, “what the hell?” look. She had one of those voices that carry, I could hear her from like yesterday, and the look…well, (picture the Little Rascals look here).
The dark purple shadow and the drag queen fake eyelashes were hard to miss, she stood out, she was looking to so I guess she got what she was going for, I noticed, that’s for damn sure. I was just starting my class when she says to her neighbor, (in a tone that would make an auctioneer envious) “I learned that in my pole dancing class. I’m a fun girl”….now I cannot, do not know what inspired the comment, but picturing this woman, this Violet Beauregarde looking woman, on a pole…well, that erp thing came rushing back tenfold. There were overtly sexual comments being tossed out left and right and try as I might I could not escape that little, “ewe” shudder that came with picturing this beastly woman, pole dancing…there had to some form of animal print underpants…had to be, but her love of “Champagne” well that made her all classy and junk.
I fought through all the noise that came from her end of the table, kept talking, trying as best as I could to ignore the ick but, well she decided to come after me, challenge me for that, “most listened to” spot, now I might be shy and what not but I am not going to let the lowest common, whatever you are, control the show. “Now this wine is a bit more austere” I said while introducing a flight, “Well I am going to stop you there and you are going to have to explain what you mean by that” the purple people eater barked at me…there were cheesy chunks flying I can assure you. “I mean, I know what the word means, but I think that sounds scary, so I am not going to let you get way with saying something like that without an explanation”. I stood there, watching her flap those ridiculous lashes, trying her best to work her sass. I let the room go silent for a moment, stared back at this ghastly person and said, “It means subtle”.
Who would have thunk a word as simple as, “subtle” would soothe the wild beast but I think paired with my special, “are you seriously trying to screw with me?” face it did the job. Heard almost nothing from her for the rest of the night….well unless you count her challenging people that found similar flavors as I did, “You’re only saying that because SHE did” and the ever charming offer she gave one of my regulars at the register, “I’d put out for a bottle of that!” while she was buying her bottle of Prosecco and 3 bars of chocolate, gross.
I get the big girl sassy thing, it’s kinda my deal and all…but there is a right way and a wrong way, she was so purplely doin it wrong it was simply repugnant. When she slapped her name tag down on the counter and told me, “I want to be on a funner table next time” I nearly shot Champagne out my nose…funner? Really? Might I introduce you to your people, the people of Walmart dot com?!