Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Oh Gawd Please Tell Me I Don't Sound Like That

“Yes, I was thinking about bringing a group to your store for a tasting, is there a back room or something where we could have something like that and could someone there lead the tasting?” the slightly fake, hoity sounding voice groaned on the other end of the phone. “Well we don’t really do private tastings here at the shop. We have a tasting room where we conduct tastings if that’s what you mean.” I replied. “So if I brought in a group they would have to just do the same tasting as everyone else…the one that you are already doing, really?” he snapped back. “Um yes” I said feeling my back get rigid. “Well is there some kind of deep discounting for large groups? See the thing is I write a blog, I’m a blog writer” flinching….I was flinching.

“So I write this blog” he continued leaving that little space before he began his next sentence, presumably for me to ask him what kind or the name….I didn’t. “My partner and I write it and our friends read it” um, no der….who else reads these stoopid things? “And we recommend things for our friends on our blog” for those of you not counting, that’s 4 times already, blog had been tossed out 4 times…we are not even 3 minutes in here, ugh. “They ask us for specific wines so I was wondering if you could get me a price on them” Okay, now we are dealing with something I can help with, “Sure which wines.” I asked….should have known, “Rombauer Chardonnay and Kendall Jackson Private Reserve Chardonnay” he lobbed, I craned my neck to see who might be screwing with me, I was alone so I knew this was for real….awesome.

I put Mr. Fancy Pants Blogger on hold and checked the vintage and price of the Rombauer Chardonnay least I only had to check one as we do not carry KJ anything. “It’s the 2008 vintage and it is $31.99” I relayed in my most forced, sunshine voice…helps if you picture a scrunched forehead and a wrinkly nose. “And there is still no discounting if I mention your store on my blog?” he asked again, (as if somehow I had come to my senses in the 40 seconds it took me to look the wine up) this time sounding even more snooty than before….maybe it was just the crunders creeping up my ass that made him sound that way. Don’t know, don’t care his voice and tone were nails on a chalkboard, I swear I could see his nose lifting, pursed little lips and head inflating with each, “blog” that dropped out of his mouth.

“Okay well” now there was a long pause here, I’m assuming to let me know is displeasure with my lack of bending over backwards to kiss his blogging ass. He even let out a few little, “Don’t you know who I am” snickers, took all the strength I had to not to laugh at him. “There is another wine they are looking for” let me repeat that for those still not fully awake, “There is another wine they are looking for”. “They are looking to buy First Growth Bordeaux” he said it as if it were the name of a wine…. ”Um, which one?” I pressed…. another long pause, “What have you got? These guys buy cases of this stuff”…um, stuff? Really?! “And they are not loyal to any one store; they just want the best price. If I put this information on my….blog, I want it to be useful for them” he snarled. Well shit howdy, why didn’t you say so?! What wine store doesn’t want another non-loyal cherry picking customer? By all means send them our way!!

I so coped out, “Our Bordeaux buyer if off until Thursday but I can have him return your call and you can discuss First Growth Bordeaux with him” this time sounding genuinely cheerful, I was unloading this jerkwad on someone else…hooray! Freaking bloggers man.

I am asking any and all of you that read this nonsense that I write, if I ever….I mean EVER, sound like that dude, promise me you will take me outside and pummel me about the head and shoulders. Hi my name is Samantha and I am a blogger….sigh.


Thomas Pellechia said...


Sam, take heart--or be afraid--I hear there are about 1,000 wine blogs in circulation.

Samantha Dugan said...

Awesome, I cannot wait for more exchanges like that. It's people like that guy that ruin it for bloggers that are NOT looking for discounts or free shit....argh!

Michael Hughes said...

What a dick. I would say that he makes the rest of us bloggers look bad but that would be similar to me saying that he makes the male sex look bad. Tool, complete tool. & Rombauer & KJ? Seriously? Yawn.

vickibarkley said...

No, you never sound like that, and if you did, I would merrily beat you about the head and shoulders. ;-)
What Michael said - "What a dick!"

John M. Kelly said...

Six or so months ago I had a guy in my shop. I knew he was going to waste my time when he walked in the door, but I said "WTF" because the alternative was doing compliance reports, and that is the only thing I will procrastinate over even more than writing on my blog.

Sure enough he turned out to be a tasteless, name-dropping dick. I was amused, toying with him, frankly telling him that everything he was saying was BS. Eventually I tired of him and said I needed to get back to work. You should have seen the look on his face!
"Well, I want to buy something!"
"OK, what?"
"How much for a bottle of that 2003 Pinot?"
"Sixty dollars plus tax."
"Sixty? Sixty??" What's my price?"
"I never pay retail!"
"You don't? OK I'll sell it to you for $75 then."
"You're kidding, right?"
"No, I'm not. Retail is $60. If you don't want to pay retail you can pay $75 and tell all your friends about your special deal."
"Well, I'm leaving, then."
"Thanks for coming. Come back sometime."
"Can I talk to your manager, or something?"
"Well, I'm the owner and winemaker."
"Oh. ... Well, thanks for your time."

Do I sound like an arrogant, pompous, patronizing a$$hole? Good. Frankly, the self-defeating contrarian side of me hoped this guy wrote for the Times or WSJ... or at the very least, that he wrote a blog.

Samantha Dugan said...

Damn dude, I thought I was rough! As you have said, "kinda creepy how alike we are" so you never sound like an asshole to me.

Benito said...

I hope you're not dissing the bespectacled dude in the sweatpants up top. That's a vintage Apple II GS with dual external 5.25" floppy drives. Before the Mac found its groove, that was a damned sweet machine.

On the main topic... Sometimes I think there needs to be less discussion of blogger ethics and more discussion of blogger etiquette. I've gotten discounts and freebies over the years, but it's been precisely because I didn't ask for special treatment and chose not to act like a steaming bag of... something impolite. I've heard horror stories about bloggers acting like jerks at wineries and tasting rooms, demanding freebies and special treatment. Grow up.

Seriously... If your mama didn't raise you right, you're gonna get slapped at some point and ain't nobody going to feel sorry for you while you're cryin'.


Samantha Dugan said...

My adorable friend...C'mon say "shit" do it, do it! I dare you. Oh and I totally agree, not about the Apple computer but about the etiquette, have some manners jackass oh and maybe better understand that no everyone gives a....shit. (Felt good, you should try it)

Benito said...


I was actually going to say "steaming bag of cock" but was trying to behave myself in mixed company.

My favorite foreign language for swearing is, and always will be, German. It's even better if you build up to it with a lot of random mumbling, and deliver the final curse with bulging veins and bloodshot eyes.


Samantha Dugan said...

You done me proud

Nancy Deprez said...

Wow, why didn't you bend over backwards, Sam! The man is a blogger and needs his free stuff! Muahhhhhhh (done in Tesser's nasal imitation of bad snobs)

Alice said...

Hey Sam, Just wanted to tell you that I love your blog.--Alice FEiring

Samantha Dugan said...

I had to amke sure this was real, (as you know by my email) before I responded but....Holy Shit! I opened my email alert about your comment and was like, "Yeah okay...sure she did" I so thought someone was yanking my chain, well you know, if I had a "chain".

I am beyond flattered that you take the time to read and your kind words about my blog in your email response totally puffed, (like I need to be puffy-er) out my chest and made me all proud and junk. Thank you, really.

Dr. Vino said...

haha funny/sad