Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Those Small Things...They Matter

What a month, I feel like I have neglected so many areas of my life this month….including this blog and my 16 readers have been licking the fuzzy end of a my-life-is-turned-upside-down lollipop. (Ahem) I am so sorry and will be back to my mouthy self here pretty soon, fuck I hope so anyway. I even got a call today from one of my bosses, I had screwed up and not ordered something for a customer, dude…sucking at doing a job that I love just stinks. My mind, heart and attention have been split wide open and pulled in two very different directions and I feel like everything, is crashing down on me and I am in way ready for it.

So I just spent two full days completely hammered, not saying that to brag or illicit an, “Awe poor Sam” just stating the facts here kids, been seriously bummed and locked into this, “We are so not going to talk about it” pact with the very best friend I have ever had….the one that’s leaving. I so wish I were able to articulate how rare a gift Amy is to and for me, we are both the tough, unaffected girl…we play hard, laugh hard, make no excuses for our behavior…finding her and letting myself love her with my whole heart has made me a better person, I like myself more now than I did before I met her. I’ve watched her change too; she still makes those “Ewe!” faces, burps like a trucker and would sooner watch football in her crunders than like do yoga or some junk, but she hugs us all more, has become a tender, loving soul…she is wearing her sweetness all over her actions and being part of that makes me feel so lucky….

So yeah, been thinking, or not trying to actually think about her leaving…might want to get over that seeing as I am going with her right…..and at the same time I have found some new, richly textured, amazing people that I find myself in the company of, just wish I were in a better spot to show them how much I appreciate their entry into this “life already in progress”. Always hard having new people enter your life….exciting and captivating but still hard. Trying to shift all the little pieces, make everything fit…and fit well is hard enough, but doing it in my current state, really rough. Thinking about how truly lucky I am when my beloved friend is venturing off into the unknown, the no-one-is-here kind of unknown…feels like I have been carrying a locomotion on my shoulders.

Amy, I know you read this stupid blog so I want you to hear me now….don’t be sad, picture my hands on your adorable face when I tell you, “You have forever changed me. I have never met anyone like you. I am honored that you love me. Will do whatever it takes to make sure that you always do. I am here, always here for you, no amount of time will ever change that. You are so stuck with me darling. I love you and feel everything you are feeling right now, it is sitting here on my chest, my shoulders and my very full but sad heart. I feel you sweetheart you are here with me in my swagger, my giggle and my bark. I have never felt more alive, more vibrant and more accepted than I do when I am near you, not sure what I did to get you but I would do it all again, a million times over for the hours of laughter and love you have given me. Thank you My Dear Friend…thank you. Our visits will be many, I will ache to hear all that you are experiencing and I will drive you batshit with emails, calls and texts. I love you girlie”.

So I finally took a shower after like 2 days….ugh, so vile, and found that some weight had been lifted once the frothy cloud of conditioner washed down the drain…..my pain and distraction is all being caused by love….how lucky am I? Yup I am hurting, yes I am falling crazy in love with some new people and I need to let myself feel okay with all of it. Jesus is this still a wine blog?!

I had my dinner tonight with my little boyfriend, we went to our place…Mario’s, crappy Mexican food, great chips and wicked stiff drinks. My little buddy opted to sit next to Call-o, they played a bit but after a trip to the potty he landed next to me. We spent 30 minutes blowing bubbles in our water with our straws….30 minutes of unadulterated, water all over, laughing time. The light in his face, the freedom of his chortles, his willingness to let the water cover his tiny frame, just reminded me that these are the moments worth living for. With each, “One two, three, go!” my heart raced, my decibels elevated and I felt like it was okay to laugh. I sat there, water all over my glasses and sweater, laughing at his tiny water speckled face….his reaction to my willingness to act a fool, just what I needed.

Love is a many splendid thing, so powerful, so captivating but you never know from where it might come, never know what face might me across from yours, eyes watering, bent over with full belly laughs…never know who’s heart is ready to be touched by you or who’s heart needs you…I for one am ready for more.

Amy my sweet friend, you and I are forever linked by nights of confessions, foolish behavior and mornings of, “hahahah well that happened” this next chapter in our devotion to one another will be just one more layer of who we are. Tyler you adorable little thing, you have wrecked me, my tough girl image is so over….you make me laugh, laugh really hard and remember what that pure joy of living feels like. Two tiny people, one in size one in age have so softened me, so made me feel….thank you. One more week and I might be full of passion and rawr again!


vickibarkley said...

This post is adorable. Really.

Samantha Dugan said...

Thanks Vicki...was a bit of emotional barfing but I was/am such a mess...just felt right to hack up all that I'm going through right now. Cannot wait untill I am less sad. Thanks for listening and commenting

Ron Washam, HMW said...

My Gorgeous Samantha,

A wonderful tribute to friendship and love. Where would we be without both?

Being a mess is required in this situation. But your courage and love and integrity will get you through the days ahead. And Love, My Darling, doesn't recognize or heed distance. You and Amy will remain close in all the ways that matter.

Your HoseMaster

Samantha Dugan said...

Thank you...really. I know these posts are of no real interest to most people but they help me quite a bit, just to say it, put it out there and lesson some of the weight. Every time I hit publish on one of these two things happen, I feel a little lighter and I think, "There go a few more readers" so your support and loving words bring me more peace than you could possibly know.