Wednesday, January 27, 2010
I Just Can't Do This Anymore
You know those moments in your life, those rare moments of complete clarity. Where your mind finally wins the battle with the heart takes control and kind of shakes you by the shoulders. Through clinched teeth whispers in your ear, “You can’t do this anymore. You have to just let go” and you feel your heart sink a bit from knowing that it is in fact the right thing to do….I am caught in the middle of one of those heart and head battles and I think this time, this time I have to let go of the heart and listen to my head. While it may break my heart, leave me missing and longing, wondering if there is any way to go back to where we were, in the long run….this is what has to happen if I am ever to find real happiness, pleasure and not end up broken, disappointed and feeling as if I have been played for a fool.
I am nothing if I am not loyal, once you have my heart, (not that easy to steal by the way) you have it for a very long time and I can endure many an argument or stumble along the way, my love is hard to win but easy to keep….that is unless you continue to hurt or disappoint me without any of those heart pounding, inspirational moments of passion that make it all worth it. I tend to love with my whole heart and through the years my heart has grown, learned to expand and accept the new but I never, not ever…lose my passion or fierce love for those that came before. I will fight and defend those I love with a tenacity that leaves those who dare to cast aspersions, licking their wounds and thinking twice before ever crossing or questioning my affection again. This is what I have always given you, what was yours for the taking…my love, my fight, my passion, but I just can’t keep giving while getting nothing, nothing tangible, nothing real in return.
I just can’t keep doing this, can’t keep pretending you are something you’re not. Keep ignoring the comments from friends and loved ones, their concern is weighing heavy on my heart and no matter how I try to justify this relationship we have….I simply cannot keep putting myself through this. I feel as if I have really tried, tried to hold on, waiting for you to be what I remember…to thrill me as you used to, but I simply cannot keep trying when I get nothing but disappointment and heartbreak from you.
I will forever remember you for what you were, no amount of time will ever destroy the memories I’ve stored deep in my heart about you…your touch will forever be a part of the woman I am, but I have to let go now before the heartbreak chips away at the little pieces of joy that I am still able to hold onto….I need to let you go just so I can still hold in my heart how beautiful what we had once was. Let me, let me have that….please. I hope that one day you are able to find your balance, and that you will be able to touch a woman the way you once touched me…it was lovely while it lasted but I simply have to walk away now.
Today will forever be the day that I broke up with one of the most powerful loves I ever had, one that I held on to for far too long and tried desperately to overlook the changes that were happening right under my nose….I just can’t do it anymore and so it is with a heavy heart that bid a farewell to my once beloved New Zealand Sauvignon Blanc. A wine that once sent my heart and palate reeling and now leaves me flat and feeling like I am drinking the water that is left over after steaming vegetables. Just cannot spend one more of my hard earned dollars on the too ripe, top heavy, seriously out of balance wine that I have been tasting the past couple years…so sad.