Wednesday, January 27, 2010

I Just Can't Do This Anymore



You know those moments in your life, those rare moments of complete clarity. Where your mind finally wins the battle with the heart takes control and kind of shakes you by the shoulders. Through clinched teeth whispers in your ear, “You can’t do this anymore. You have to just let go” and you feel your heart sink a bit from knowing that it is in fact the right thing to do….I am caught in the middle of one of those heart and head battles and I think this time, this time I have to let go of the heart and listen to my head. While it may break my heart, leave me missing and longing, wondering if there is any way to go back to where we were, in the long run….this is what has to happen if I am ever to find real happiness, pleasure and not end up broken, disappointed and feeling as if I have been played for a fool.

I am nothing if I am not loyal, once you have my heart, (not that easy to steal by the way) you have it for a very long time and I can endure many an argument or stumble along the way, my love is hard to win but easy to keep….that is unless you continue to hurt or disappoint me without any of those heart pounding, inspirational moments of passion that make it all worth it. I tend to love with my whole heart and through the years my heart has grown, learned to expand and accept the new but I never, not ever…lose my passion or fierce love for those that came before. I will fight and defend those I love with a tenacity that leaves those who dare to cast aspersions, licking their wounds and thinking twice before ever crossing or questioning my affection again. This is what I have always given you, what was yours for the taking…my love, my fight, my passion, but I just can’t keep giving while getting nothing, nothing tangible, nothing real in return.

I just can’t keep doing this, can’t keep pretending you are something you’re not. Keep ignoring the comments from friends and loved ones, their concern is weighing heavy on my heart and no matter how I try to justify this relationship we have….I simply cannot keep putting myself through this. I feel as if I have really tried, tried to hold on, waiting for you to be what I remember…to thrill me as you used to, but I simply cannot keep trying when I get nothing but disappointment and heartbreak from you.

I will forever remember you for what you were, no amount of time will ever destroy the memories I’ve stored deep in my heart about you…your touch will forever be a part of the woman I am, but I have to let go now before the heartbreak chips away at the little pieces of joy that I am still able to hold onto….I need to let you go just so I can still hold in my heart how beautiful what we had once was. Let me, let me have that….please. I hope that one day you are able to find your balance, and that you will be able to touch a woman the way you once touched me…it was lovely while it lasted but I simply have to walk away now.




Today will forever be the day that I broke up with one of the most powerful loves I ever had, one that I held on to for far too long and tried desperately to overlook the changes that were happening right under my nose….I just can’t do it anymore and so it is with a heavy heart that bid a farewell to my once beloved New Zealand Sauvignon Blanc. A wine that once sent my heart and palate reeling and now leaves me flat and feeling like I am drinking the water that is left over after steaming vegetables. Just cannot spend one more of my hard earned dollars on the too ripe, top heavy, seriously out of balance wine that I have been tasting the past couple years…so sad.

13 comments:

Nancy Deprez said...

Whoa! You scared me! You mean NZ Sauv Blanc. Whew!!!!

Charlie Olken said...

You shouldn't tease us like that. Some of us have weak hearts and can't take this leading us one way and pulling us back from the brink at the last moment.

But I figured this one out--not that I ever thought it was NZ SB that let you down, but I figured out early on that it was wine, not your blog or your customers or your band of loyal readers who have come to rely on you to help make our day. You simply were not going to do that to us. I knew it, would not go down that path, could not; life is too short, faith is too great; disappointments come easy, but I refused to believe it was going to end this way. Passion is passion and it must be served, worshipped, given in to. You wouldn't; you didn't; we can breathe again. Life goes on. The sun shines.

However, I am happy that as one group of wines has slinked its way out of your life that the occasional CA wine is finding its way in. We will just have to keep finding examples of wonderfully balanced, lithe wines. They do exist--and they are not sweet. :-}

TWG said...

Sweet post!

Samantha Dugan said...

Nancy,
Yeah, just can't drink those top heavy, no junk in the trunk wines any more....yick.

Puff Daddy Sir,
Okay, first of all....how freaking cute are you?! Secondly, if you are starting to figure me out I might need to try harder...I like a challange.

TWG,
grumble....

Sara Louise said...

Cheeky cheeky girl teasing like that!
My Mother is addicted to NZ SV, the only other thing I can get her to drink is if I treat her to a Sancerre.
So Lady, what white would you recommend for me to tempt her with (keeping in mind she's in Dublin so Cali wines are hard to come by)?

Ron Washam, HMW said...

My Darling Samantha,

Cloudy Bay Sauvignon Blanc is to wine as Steak-Umms is to beef. It squeaks by on a technicality. And it's better if you put cheese on it.

I confess that the title of this post scared me when it first appeared on my blog list. I thought you'd decided to walk away from this brilliant blog of yours and leave us forever bereft. Forgive me for doubting you, your loyalty to us undeserving followers. We may not be worthy of your loyalty, but we are grateful. I don't want to imagine Life without Sans Dosage. Would I be reduced to starting comments with "My Gorgeous Tish?" Would I be forced to call Wine Country every twenty minutes just to hear your voice, the mellifluous cadence of your "just sayin'?" I broke out in a cold sweat.

Swear you'll never leave me.

I love you!

Your HoseMaster

Samantha Dugan said...

Sara,
I seriously had no idea anyone would think I was talking about quitting the bloggin' deal, never even crossed my mind! As far as Mum goes, dude...I have no idea what they might have in Dublin but I was just in London last year and can I just tell you, SoHem has taken over! Freaking Aussie and New Zealand wines every where, I was shocked. That being said, maybe heave her look for Quincy or Menetou-Salon, both small areas within the Loire Valley that make stunning Sauvignon Blanc...Chile are also an option but truth be told, not that much different than New Zealand...but often cheaper. Hope that helps.

Ron My Love,
Again, I had no idea that people would think I was hinting at killing the blog....guess after that last post, (now that I think about it) it makes sense but, never even thought about it. So I am so sorry, not going no wheres baby! Leave You?! Are you insane...not sure how I got this far without you.

Eric V. Orange said...

Your first post of this nature, Sharing, had me sweating until I got down to the punchline.
This one...had sort of a 'ditto' feel and I skipped the prose right down to the catch. Do I see a trend?
Just my opinion of course.

EVO

Samantha Dugan said...

Eric,

My first thought when I read your comment was, "Ouch!" but I get what you're saying. Not sure how long you have been reading but I have done many posts with kind of lean...kind of my style, that nod to the fact that wine can be like a lover kind of thing. Never trying to mask the fact that I am talking about wine but trying to share my passion for it...and make it, at the very least entertaining to the reader, which clearly for you this was not. Maybe two too close together...a bit like watching Deep Impact and Armageddon back to back....

Sorry dude. Well this just feels poopie, I like it so much better when people gush on me, gonna have to try harder! Thanks for the feedback Eric, everyone needs to be thumped every now and then, reminded that you can't just fall back on what has worked before.

Anonymous said...

used to dig the crispness,with that hint of lemon zest,now its all olive juice ,lemon and bell peppers,and they all seem to follow the same format,mass production from an entire country,like zin in the late 90's all the same

John M. Kelly said...

All I have to say is: "yes, yes... and again, yes..."

Eric V. Orange said...

Perhaps you are right Samantha, on both counts. I have not been reading long enough and too close together.

I do like your writing Samantha. I read few blogs and comment on fewer.

EVO

Samantha Dugan said...

Eric,
Thank you very much. I am honored that you read and comment here...even like that you gave me a little thump and reminder. All feedback is welcome even the ones that might sting a little. I appreciate you taking the time, really I do.