I was just on facebook and a “friend” asked the question, “What inspires you?”thing is, this friend and I had a "falling out" years ago, so calling us friends is bit of a stretch. She is a friend of my husbands, they were college buddies, I did not quite fit and in true, "Sam Style" I just chalked it up to, "we don't get each other" and ended the whole thing, which is why I was stunned to find her friend request on faceboook. I accepted and her words tonight, the question, "What inspires you?"...they make me think I might have acted too quickly.
I instinctively hit the “comment” button but found myself hovering over the tiny blank box…what could I say that might not offend her, shock her or damage an already fragile situation? Thing was….I loved the question and found a little spark of, “Maybe she does want to know me…or we have more in common than I thought” so I replied with a long silly list of things that inspire me;
A Hit of Pot
Dave Matthews (Yes I am currently obsessed)
Feet Pounding on a Dance Floor
Knowing That My Son Loves & Trusts Me
Bunch of other junk but once I hit the little blue comment button I started to feel sad, real sad. The reason…I had just spent all afternoon with one of my greatest inspirations, Amy…and she is moving, sigh.
Long time readers know my little monster well, she is that little voice in my head that says, “Go for it Sam, who deserves it more than you?” and I fold like a cheap Spanish fan, I would walk through burning glass for that girl. We spend almost all our free time together, she has been my muse, she makes me laugh harder than anyone ever has, her sparkling face can brighten my day…and scare the shit out of me, at the same time, that big, white, toothy grin has some naughty attached to it…through burning glass, still.
Amy’s hubby, Sexy Bitch has been promoted, a big one…one you don’t pass up, if you know what I’m saying, the catch….they have to move to Dallas for a few years, a big fucking, heartbreaking catch for us, for all of us. I met Amy at The Wine Country, she was a longtime friend of our then, French wine buyer Kelly. I had heard all about Amy, like years before I had ever met her, felt like I knew her….I didn’t.
We hung out a bit, not too much at first but I think we both knew…just this spark between women, you just know your people when you meet them….well that and after one of the first “wild” nights her “didn’t see anything” look let me know, this girl gets me. She began working at The Wine Country after Kelly told us that she really wanted to help out, be a part of the French wine department. I was down, she was cool, worked her ass off and has a passion for French wine, food and Champagne like no one I knew, why wouldn’t I want that?!
So fast forward a couple years, Kelly moved on to pursue a teaching career, I took over France and Amy was still on board to help out, she conducted all the French and bubble classes, (I am stricken with stage fright and she is a professor in her real job) and I provided all the “comedic” flair and interjections, our “brand” was a huge hit….classes sold out in record time, and somewhere in there…we, well we found each other.
Turns out, everything cool I wanted to do, I wanted to do with her, dinners, tastings, classes, Sunday meals, football days, the thought would pop into my head and I swear the next thought was, “I wonder if Amy and Sexy Bitch are up to it?” they always were. Now what? I sit here, cigarettes burning, ipod blaring in my ears, glass of Champagne in my hand, fingers flying across a keyboard…a good night for me in every way, but there is this thing…this thing hanging there, my Amy, my best friend, my muse….she’s leaving….cannot hide the fact that I am completely broken, and lost just thinking about being without that, big, toothy, white, scary, day-making grin.
My inspiration? Love, true love. You know, you look at your life, all the things that make you, you…all of it, shity and glorious, they all add layers, layers to the immensely textured people that we all are, kind of beautiful if it didn’t suck at times like these, Amy, well she is part of me, so deeply buried in my heart that right this second, I don’t know who I was before I met her…hope to never find out who I am without her.
So I guess I find myself writing another love letter of sorts, (So funny, right this second the song growling in my ears just said, “Momma told me someday that girl is going to take your mind, never knew before, but I know now” perfect) this time to my girl, my Amy…I love you girlie.
I write this letter to you, here on my blog because we are far too cool to like share our real feelings and stuff, but there are a few things you need to pack away in those boxes headed for Texas…one of them is my heart, you have it, it will never be the same without you in it. My days will not be the same without the hope that you might stop in after your ass kicking at the gym across the street, my text messages from the severely text challenged, emails that are always subject lined, “Hi”.
You my sweet sensitive beast, have forever changed me, could never be that Sam I was before you, don’t wish to be. You have taught me to love myself, do you have ANY idea what that means to me? You probably don’t, which is another reason this had to be written…your love of the written word and vehement support of mine…could not let this wretched, but understandable moment pass without telling you just how much you have changed me….forever, you Amy have been responsible for more happiness and love than I can ever show you with my meager verbage.
Jesus, this is hard….pile of snot rags are growing beside me darlin’…I just need you to know, know that you Amy…are one of the most amazing, (shut up Sexy Bitch) women I have ever met, your love and friendship are things that I hold as tight to my chest as I possibly can, they make me the woman I am, and make me beam with pride. There is nothing I can think of to give you that can top that, but I promise to write you all the time, keep clean sheets on the guest bed and I will love you FOREVER, no matter where you live…hope you can pack that too.
You know better than anyone that my heart is not an easy place to get into, not bragging…kind of a flaw of mine truthfully…but that grin, that, “C’mon Sam” grin, and I’m done, I’m in and down for whatever your adventure filled mind has working. None of that will change love, I will still walk through burning glass…or to the nearest bar with and for you, You and Me Girlie, we can do anything….and we will.
I so love you
I will so miss you
I will look forward to your visits
I cannot thank you enough
I know I have met one of my great loves
I won’t be letting her go
Your Best Friend,
PS...Wanna make a run for it?!
I love you...I really do, forever Aims...you're stuck with me forever.