Thursday, February 17, 2011

Fantastic




So you know when your car is making some horrid sound? A crunching or squeaking so alarming that you are sure that if you don’t get it to the mechanic, like soon, the freaking engine is going to either fall out, freeze up or blow up? So sure in fact that you beg, plead, cry and offer sexual favors to get your mechanic to agree to squeeze you in only to have your fucking car sail into his bay quiet as a church mouse?

Or

Your child has been coughing, wheezing and running a fever for three days and after you procure the much coveted appointment with the pediatrician, get the time off from work, toss a wad of cash at the sitter and the receptionist at the doctor’s office….the one that informs you that your new co-pay is now double what it was before….and the second you are in the waiting room your poor, sweet, sick wee one acts as if merely walking through the medicinally stanky doorway was akin to the laying of hands and is now not only the correct temperature, but is down-right perky and playful…little bastard.

Well




The same bizarre Whoever’s Law happens when you attempt to show your husband how stuffed up your nose and unmovable your mucus is by pressing your thumb across your one working nostril and with all your might blow….as you have been doing all goddamn day, only to have a snot bubble the size of a basketball form…your eyes wide and blinking with shock as the human equivalent of Super Elastic Bubble Plastic shoots from your face. Fun for the whole family brought to you by SAM-O….

So yeah, the crud that tends to happen when locked in a metal tube of recycled air and beer farts has fallen upon me….have the dreaded traveler’s cold. Stinks…well not that I can smell it, so maybe blows…oh never mind. I would write you all a tasting note about NyQuil but there are only so many ways to say, “Tastes like ass” and while this Gin & Tonic I am using to fortify the sleep inducing properties of The Quil is very refreshing I just can't find the steam to pick apart which botanicals are singing just now.



Argh….

13 comments:

Veronica said...

Feel better!!!!

You had me at Superelasticbubbleplastic.

Samantha Dugan said...

Had to text my neighbor for the name of that stuff. I sat here trying to explain it to the snot viewing hubby but I think he was still too scarred...he didn't know what I was talking about. That or couldn't bear looking me in the recently snot spewing face. Dude....

Joe said...

how many children were killed by super elastic bubble plastic?

Feel better... sucks; I've had a stuffy nose most of this winter.

Samantha Dugan said...

Joe,
I wonder more how many kids that loved that stuff, (of which I was. Coolest shit ever) became huffers?!

Another Day of Crazy said...

Where's Tyler when you need him? You would have been all "Dats cool, Sam, do it again- bigger!!"

Another Day of Crazy said...

Argh.
*He, not you. You did not think it's cool. No coffee yet, and no sleep either.

Samantha Dugan said...

Another Day of Crazy,
Dude, Tyler would have loved it...kind of thankful he wasn't here as I fear my laughter might have sucked that bubble-o-snot into my mouth...ewe. God I am so gross. Yeah so no Ty but Call-o did get a chuckle out of the whole deal.

Valerie said...

Airplane juice - will do it every time. Would rather huff Superelasticbubbleplastic than breathe whatever plague-infested air is circulating through aircraft. Love your tasting notes on the Nyquil - feel better soon!

vickibarkley said...

I have the same cold!! Instead of a metal tube with beer farts, I spend my days in a concrete cube with art students who wish they had beer farts!! Nyquil and bourbon are my friends. I couldn't pick out an aroma in a wine right now for love or money.
Glad to have you back.
Hugs and kisses.

Samantha Dugan said...

Valerie,
I would be willing to huff beer farts right now if I could just get some relief....well aside from last nights bubble deal, and not sound like fucking Elmer Fudd.

Vicki,
Kids man, freaking viral spreaders...ick. You get better soon too lady!

Charlie Olken said...

First of all, I read nothing here about chicken soup.

And then I am thinking to myself, this bubbeliscious babe has just come back from Italy. I just came back from the Petite Sirah preview.

And finally, I am thinking you need someone to apply an old fashioned mustard plaster to your parts that would need such a thing, anc because I love you, I am willing to volunteer.

But if all that does not work, just keep on blogging. That will surely lead to a good nights sleep.

Samantha Dugan said...

Sir Charles,
An offer to rub mustard on my bits?! Damn, gonna have to get sick more often if people will like offer to rub me and junk...

Sandra said...

tastes like ass! I think that says it all.
Hope you feel better soon.
And personally, I think you should have videotaped and posted the giant-ass snot bubble coming out of your nostril. I would actually pay you to post that on MY blog.