I should be in bed. Should be tucked away in my little half moon position, Snuggle Buddy, (the deflated pillow that I wrap my body around at night….the one my husband loathes and threatens to “cut” because it gets far more Sam time than he. I keep telling him that if he didn’t have all those pesky bones and shit, if I could bend him in half and make him fit just so, between my thighs or crammed against my chest….well then he could be my Snuggle Buddy. But he can’t be de-boned and so…) squished between my arms while I dream of lust inducing white wines, melt in your mouth prosciutto, rolling hills and learning something new about the tingle inducing liquid that….quite literally changed my life.
But here I am, still awake about 5 hours from when the alarm clock is set to scream at me to ensure that I am washed, made up and at the airport on time to sit and wait for my very long flight to New York and the even longer flight to Venice. Can’t sleep. Can’t even really think about sleeping. My mind is racing, thoughts bubbling up to the surface only to be bubbled over by the next. Feels like I’m caught in the undertow, my mind floating and gasping for air just before another wave, frothy and full of dreams, fear, excitement, whispered devotion and complete disbelief, comes roaring down forcing me just a bit deeper, the, “How did this happen?” slipping from my lips and racing to the glassy surface miles above me. My body tumbling and unsure which way is up, the muffled roar just soothing enough to make me unsure if I even wish to fight it…the elation I feel telling me to just shut up and enjoy it.
Sitting here in my gentle tumble I find myself almost embarrassed of the riches that have been bestowed upon me. The little twists of fate, the “hard choices”, the things I was never even sure I had a say in but just went with. These things all brought me here. Had me sitting at my perch, fingers flaying, heart racing, big mouth wide open for the first time and in that, well I think I found the me that I’m not sure I even believed was….in me. Now I’m being taken on yet another trip, another dive into the depths of a culture that aches to teach and I can feel myself releasing all my bubbles and wriggling my body up to the surface to take a breath of new air. Wide open. My heart, my mind, my want, my flaying fingers, they are wide open and this trip is just one more reminder that as fucked up as we might be/may have been…second chances and faith, well they are resting right on that bottom lip. Exhale. Let it go and as much as our past might weigh us down it is not an ankle bracelet.
I’m steppin’ out…
Releasing my bubbles and following them to the surface Flying off to Italy Being wooed Letting the very idea of that make me swoon….
Not one thing in the life I was handed or the treacherous life I chose could have ever prepared me for this. I board that plane…fuck in a couple hours, my clearly sleep deprived face, my desire to be appreciated, my yearning to be understood with me with each and every step. The three years of comments and absolute devotion my Snuggle Buddy, soft and perfectly molded to squish around my bits. When I tell you all that you are with me it’s an understatement. If it were not for you, this would never be happening.
There are no words big enough No phrase profound enough…. Without you all, well I would still be selling wine but….. I could never feel as loved Beautiful Cherished Honored Full of life As I do now….
Thank you. From the very bottom of my wave rolling heart A million tiny kisses.. Sam