Saturday, July 10, 2010

Before I Wake

“What a useless waste of space, if I should die before I wake” the words of Lauryn Hill, her raspy but precise voice groaning words of regret and self punishment. I chucked the CD in on my way home, a soundtrack that drags my range of emotion from elation to sorrow which is where Lauryn often takes me. The sentiment of this particular song pulls at this Irish woman’s core, well likely at the core of any people that have had the weight of parental, religious or societal oppression as a tool to install or impose guilt. I just so happen to be of a people that sin fantastically and I like to think that I have done my ancestors proud. Hard living, hard drinking, foul language and horny…yeah, sounds about right no?

“My guilty heart behaves so foolishly. This treason from within, that reasons with my sin, won’t be happy till it sees the death of me” …..Damn Lauryn. I’ve done too much of re-hashing of old stories as of late so I will refrain from bringing up what got me to this particular mantra that I live by but in short, I could be gone tomorrow and I would hate to, “go out” with a heart that is full of regret. I decided long ago to not be bound by the confines of anyone’s idea of what my life or behavior should be and in doing so I found that while some may worry that I am living my life too fast, others understand that life is in fact often far too short. You know those moments that you look back on and think, “Damn, I wish I would have” yeah well I have very few of those.

Life has seasoned me with the very real understanding that sometimes the light just goes out; dad dead at 26 and mom at 55. No warning, no illness, just gone. So much left unsaid, undone and never felt. I don’t know about you but thinking about being done without feeling all that can or could, well that threat seems far worse than any hangover, morning after conversation or little pang of fear of the unknown. I simply don’t want to wake one day and think, “Yeah I played by all the rules, played it safe and my whole life has been a spinning loop of Thursdays” as a matter of fact that scares me most of all.

So as I sit here the night before I board a plane, an act that I will confess makes me terribly nervous, I started thinking about the things I still ache to do. The things that I have yet to feel due to financial, timing or logistical constraints. All my sweet….and some not so sweet, little fantasies, the ones I drift off to sleep thinking about, the ones that chirp in my ear and tug at my heart, keep me fired up and full of desire. With Lauryn’s words still rolling around in my head, “What a useless waste of space if I should die before I wake” I thought of the things I would hate knowing I never got a chance to do.

I would regret never

Dancing with my son at his wedding

Holding my sister’s child

Spending a week in Champagne

Being in France with Amy

Drinking an aged Barolo….in Barolo

Playing one round of golf with my beloved husband, (his true love…not mine)

Making love on the deck of a sailboat at night

Spending an afternoon tasting wine with Ron Washam, two things I love

Laughing so hard I peed my pants….the previous might help with this one

Drinking a bottle of Montrachet

Having Tom Wark make me a cocktail

Tasted the perfect French fry

Feeling Charlie Olken’s lips on my cheek

Spending a week in Greece

Making The Wine Country the most successful wine shop in Southern California

Being able to just once look at myself and not feel like the ugliest woman in the room

Sharing a bottle of Pastis with John Kelly….in Beaune

Shaking Eric Asimov’s hand

Telling Chuck Morris that I truly adore him

Making Michael Sullivan laugh so hard he snorts wine out his nose

Finishing the books that Thomas and Chris sent me....their books

Meeting the people that read this silly crap I write….share a glass of wine with them

Making love over a barrel in a Burgundian cellar

Having my feet rubbed while I drink a bottle of Vogue Bonnes Mares

Had my true love drink red wine from the small of my back

Damn, better quit I could keep this up all night and I have some packing to do. By this time on Monday I will have checked a few of those reader meetings off my list.....see you Monday Benito and Michael!


Anonymous said...

I'm a big ol' pansy ass... I'm sure you got my comment via email, and I meant every word, but feeling way exposed now, having tied my name to my blog. As obviously, there would be hell to pay if my family ever found it. So delete it, I must.

But safe travels, can't wait to hear the stories I'm sure you'll have to tell!

Samantha Dugan said...

Not a pansy at all chicka, just protecting yourself and I totally get that.....I don't do it but I get it.

To your other post, I do fear flying. Not so much that I would let it keep me from going anywhere, not for a second but the whole thing is just so unnatural to me. I spend the day before flying looking for "signs" that something terrible might happen....ugh. Oh and trust me, a drink before boarding is a MUST.

The barrel thing, did you ever seen Unfaithful with Diane Lang? If not, see it. If yes, remember the hallway scene?! Does not always need to be comfy girlie....just sayin.

The wine off the body is just a bit of a fetish of mine. Something so sensual, careless and knee-weakening about laying in a puddle of wine that has been "seasoned" by a lover's skin...or mine. Um, yeah.....

Ron Washam said...

My Gorgeous Samantha,

I suspect you'll get to fulfill most of these desires. Though, frankly, getting kissed on the cheek by Charlie ain't that hot, believe me.

I have to tell you that the absolute worst concert I ever attended was Lauryn Hill at the Hollywood Bowl. She was terrible. Spent most of the night singing songs she hadn't finished writing yet! Really. Get through about 16 bars and then abruptly stop, which is great when you're barhopping, but not when giving a concert. I've never before or since heard a Bowl crowd boo a performer. And she ran so late, the Bowl has an 11 PM curfew for their neighbors, that the Hollywood Bowl turned off the stage lights in the middle of one of her songs and told everyone to go home. It was hilarious. And you can't leave early at the Bowl because your car is trapped. What an awful night.

Have a great and safe trip, My Love. And save about a week of wine tasting for me, and sign me up for the barrel ride too! Oh, and the small of your back? Dibs! I have this thing about Champagne on my...never mind.

I love you!

Your Hose and BarrelMaster

Anonymous said...

Embarrassing to say, no I've never seen Unfaithful. And I adore Diane Lane! Just yesterday, I was needing an escape, and there was nothing at the theatre I wanted to see, so I went to the library and perused the DVDs. Didn't occur to me to look for that, and I promise, it's been on my list of "to-see's" for absolutely ever! I picked up some books and "A Good Year" with Russell Crowe. Actually read one whole book without interruption, it was amazing. I haven't read a (non-children's) book in years.

There's something you could do while flying, to distract you. If you're a reader that is.

John M. Kelly said...

I'm honored to have a place on your list. Wishing you a great trip back East.

Samantha Dugan said...

My BarrelMaster,

I feared it might be a bit presumptuous to assume that Sir Charles would kiss me on the cheek when and if we ever meet, just always the way I have pictured it in my head. Thankfully he is away this week so I can hold onto my little fantasy and not have him correct me!

I think you told me that story about Lauryn before. I actually don't care much for her as a person, she has beeen reported to have said some truly shitty things about white people and I loathe racism in any form but....her voice does it for me. There is something kind of Billie Holiday about it to me, a sadness or loneliness in the tone and that song I was talking about just makes me it when music can do that. Rare.

So what, no sailboats for you then?! I adore you!

Lane not Lang, knew I should have checked nut I was rushing like a crazy person this morning. Packed a case of wine for this trip I am on and forgot to pack an opener! Can I tell you how freaking depressing THAT is after a long flight and then a 3 hour drive to your hotel? Dude. Rent that movie, sexy as hell and that scene in the hallway towards the end...well it might just change your mind about comfy.

John Love,
You are always on my list.

Sara Louise said...

Over a wine barrel huh? Love it!

Samantha Dugan said...

I think I might love it too....

Ron Washam said...

My Gorgeous Samantha,

Making love in a sailboat is like Santa Margharita Pinot Grigio--fuckin' close to water.

Old joke, but I can't resist a straight line.

I love you!

Your HoseMaster

Samantha Dugan said...

Ron My Love,
With the Pinot Grigio I have to agree but for making such thing as too close to water.

Chris said...

Every moment is precious.

Every kindness is appreciated.

Every friend is a gift.

Sam, thank you.

Samantha Dugan said...

Chris My Wise Friend,
You are absolutely correct and that is the reason I feel it is so important to tell the people you care about how much they mean to you as often as possible. So thank you....for everything.

Sip with Me! said...

May you say, feel and live it all!! Have a great trip. Cheers to living Friday!!

Tessa said...

Awe, you made me tear up. Somehow I missed this post! I'm sure after about 10 days I will trying to make you adopt said child!