Samantha Dugan: Your mission, should you chose to accept it is to hunt down the people that once loved, have never really tried or mistakenly tried the wrong White Burgundy. Find them, seek them out, look under every wine bar and tasting room from here to Temecula if you must but finding them has never been more important than it is now. We feel that we should warn you that these people while in serious need of de-brainwashing may resist a bit.
A region’s wines once beloved and fiercely coveted, a region responsible for inspiring wine makers the world over is being held captive by the nefarious ABC, (Anything But Chardonnay) cult, a group determined to cut off the supply of Chardonnay coming from anywhere in the world. They have had their eye on Burgundy for decades; it would be the jewel in their hate campaign crown. They are using the public’s growing distaste for ultra ripe, lavishly oaked, buttery tasting Chardonnays to destroy a very noble grape and they must be stopped. We have engaged the Anti Cougar Juice Alliance but they are still in their infancy, too green to present any real threat to the “I hate Chardonnay” masses….we need you.
This is not a mission to be taken lightly. You will need all that your years of training have taught you; your palate, your memory and we are not above asking you to check out those new Victoria Secret bras that can increase your…assets by two sizes. We are fighting varietal terrorism here Ms. Dugan, we must all be willing to do what it takes to rescue these legendary and extraordinary wines from becoming extinct. We must protect them, honor them and solidify their place for the next generation of wine lover….so what’s a little cleavage and over-the-shoulder-boulder- holder pain when you are preserving history right?
Find them Ms. Dugan. Tie them down and spill your accumulated years of desire and passion for White Burgundy all over them, again check out the new bras and you can file it under weapons in your expense report. Open bottles, pour for them, purr for them but goddamn it inspire them to want more. You’ve tasted White Burgundy, you know how sensual, texturally dizzying and profoundly important those wines are. Do not, I repeat do not let them slip away. Those stressed vines, neutral barrels and limestone rich soils have volumes yet to tell. Find them Ms. Dugan and your reward will be legions of people feeling history, nobility and purity spilling across their palates’, a growing village of voices chanting, championing, and campaigning for more Meursault, Chablis, Pouilly-Fuisse. Your reward will be felt and tasted on your own palate for years to come. Do not let Chardonnay slip beneath the primordial goo, toss them a line, give them mouth to mouth and slip a bottle into every cart, (this is where that bra thing might help inspire) teach, teach them that Chardonnay is but a vessel, a surname not a style and there is a whole other language yet to explore. Salty, savory, doughy, rich, nutty, haunting…these are the wines that we know and that we are now requesting your help to defend. Help us and the payoff will be felt the wine loving and lusting world over.
This message will self destruct in….
Oh calm down, we will not be blowing your shit up, but this is a real problem and one that we must address. Find them Sam, teach them, re-learn them....inspire them and they will be back for more.