Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Wrapped Up Tight...

Let myself sink into a bit of a funk lately. Some induced by others and some I think residual depression from my tossing aside my beloved disgusting 25 year smoking habit, (and yes, I still miss it painfully at times but I will say, those times are further and further apart) either way it has been weighing me down more than the extra poundage I’ve accumulated by trying to deal with my oral fixation. Adjusting to having my son back home, as a grown ass man, and trying to work that gentle balance of living together and being his boss at the shop….not always easy, for either of us, my husband resigning from his 12 year, pretty cushy position as employee number 12,507 to employee number 28 at a far tinier, maybe risker but significantly higher paying little company.  

 Too much to think about, worry about, get my tummy in knots about and some things I have my head so buried in the sand with regards to facing them that I may never even let it really ever touch me…just fade off and become something I should have handled, one of those regret things I vowed to never let myself get bogged down with. Top it off with spending a couple days hold up with a piece of my history, a piece of my heart, that has had the wind knocked out of him emotionally and is trying like hell to figure his own shit out, (poor dude came to me….not sure he could have picked a more tumultuous time to come face to face with me) and desperately trying to help him, hear him, be there for him when my own drama and distractions have had my head so far from being screwed on tight. I work as hard as I can when at the shop and then the second I am like alone and junk, free from the store demands that are gratefully actually demanding enough to have me step up, pull my head out of my ass, step up and deal with them….well that’s when the fucking avoiding and obsessing starts. Drove home tonight with one of my long-standing obsessions and I shit you not, didn’t think of one thing I should have, frankly I can’t even remember the drive! Annoying, as fuck, and I’m getting kinda tired of succumbing…obsessing in place of fighting or resolving, although the things I’ve been getting wrapped up tight in, lost in, well let’s just say they could be worse….

Sleep- Now this one needs to be first on my list of “Oh you need to move the fuck right along”. I’m not talking sleep, like the regular sleep that all you normal people have been doing you whole lives and that tends to elude me. NO, I’m talking about getting out of bed in the morning, quick cup of coffee and then with the time I used to spend writing or reading emails, blogs and facebook stat-i, I’m now crawling back in bed, arms wrapped around as many pillows as will fit in them, covers literally being tugged over my head. Pretty obvious this is a sign of not wanting to deal and one that may have just had its last way with me this very morning. Felt my jaw get a little rigid when I gave that thick brown cover a pull, my time needs to be worth more than napping….at least until I’m like 50 or some junk. 

Bual Madeira & St Agur Blue Cheese- Now this is one I can keep but I need to think about it less and try not to drool whenever I tell customers about it. Getting pretty fucking embarrassing that, and I am going through too many work shirts.

Redbreast 12 Year Irish Whiskey- Okay, I might let this one visit me from time to time. I recently grabbed this as a treat for the husband who inexplicably bounced from Gin & Tonics to Bushmills on the Rocks. Who the hell makes that kind of switch one morning?! Same dude that leaves a cushy boring job for an uncertain but more fun and better paying one that’s who. After watching him take one sip and look at me like I had just injected him with heroin, or an intravenous bag of chocolate frosting, well I knew I needed to get me a sip. One lead to two, three, four…yeah you get the gist. Been my “up later than everyone” lonely tipple of choice, my 2:00 AM sipper if you will and while I will crave the slightly salty, warmed butter, toffee like aromas…the vanilla cream, candied orange rind, caramel covered cashew flavors and tongue-biting spike of heat I will just restrict myself to special evenings, or cold ones, or if I feel a chest cold coming on, or…sigh. 

My Roasted Salsa- This winter treat is becoming a bit of a crutch for me, a way to garner all kinds of affection and praise by plying people with free jars of the stuff, even shipping it across the United States in order to get people to notice and stroke me. Fucking lame. That and like I need another reason to snarf tortilla chips?! I’ll make one more open call for anyone that would like a jar and then, it belongs to winter, (only really make it then when fresh tomatoes blow and stuff)  which is nearly over, as an occasional condiment for dinner, holiday gifts…and to bribe my neighbors that are completely hooked on it. Gotta keep that "in" with the wee boyfriend and his crew. 

Dave Matthew’s Some Devil CD- (Oh and Google Alert, you suck) I am a Dave Matthew’s Band freak, devotee or worshiper if you will and nothing, NOTHING, (Dave that is all caps there love, this is serious) is going to change that. This solo album from Dave never spoke to me the way it does now…just him, his voice and guitar, the way his tone and pitch seem to dig into my flesh, been listening to these three tracks, (two from the cd and one admittedly from stalker-ish lurking on You Tube and so often that I am now hearing them when things get too quiet and my fingers have a whole choreographed steering wheel routine now. Yeah…starting to make me feel like a total magazine picture clipping, letter writing, (shut up, blogs don’t count!) pee myself while seeing, collage making weirdo. Going to have to filter in some Patsy Cline, Sam Cooke, Marvin Gaye, Fleetwood Mac, The Impressions, Mary J. Blige and Sara Bareilles in for balance…with a smattering of Dave Matthew’s Band of course. Yup, that’s gonna help.

Brussels Sprouts- Not sure what the hell is going on here but in my not-screwed-on-straight-head this has become the only vegetable I care to eat, like honestly. I cook other things but within two days I have my tiny peeling knife out, my secret pot of “bacon juice” a big pile of stripped off leaves, the ones I will toss about in that juice before roasting them in a nearly 500 degree oven until they are all crisp, black and redolent with bacon….the bity little cabbage heads I leave intact crunchy on the outside and like custard on the inside. Addicted and I need new veggies, new flavors and a way out of my baby cabbage infatuation…help.

Pascal Marchand Red Burgundies- Fucking Pinot Noirs are haunting me. First came across this, “Micro-Negociant” label last year, negociant because he is buying fruit and or juice but micro because he is only buying tiny lots from people Pascal has come to trust over his years in Burgundy, people that farm with practices he prefers and can provide him with healthy fruit he is proud to work with…and the wines are precisely the kind that creep under my skin and nibble away at me from the inside out. I walk past them at the shop and I can’t stop myself from touching them, aching for them, digging my grubby hands into my pockets to figure out how many fewer Brussels sprouts I have to get in order to afford them. Practically taking mouthfuls of me these wines and I am powerless, inadequate to stop them….fuck.

Phrases Like I’d rather be hated for who I am than loved for what I’m not

Barber’s 1833 Cheddar- I think we have stumbled upon the perfect Cheddar. Fruity, crumbly, mildly nutty with softer acid and tons a flavor without giving you those needles on the sides of your neck when you eat it. I buy a piece at least once a week along with a box of olive oil crackers and Ronnie and I share it for lunch. If I run out at the store I freak so I’ve begun ordering two hunks at a time…and hoarding. 

Beatles Here Comes The Sun- So this isn’t a full blown “issue” as it were, but it’s getting there. I fumble with my ipod, scroll past this lilting and hopeful song but within three songs I am hovering over the title and wondering if it’s time for a lift. Now that I think about it, this might should move to a not that bad pile…

Poof Bunny and Nugget- I shan’t tell you how many times I’ve looked at these two pictures, the bunny in particular makes me screw up my face and is so fucking cute it almost pisses me off. And yet, still looking…must be the vagina. 

Vincent Careme Vouvray Tendre- Round and voluptuous, spicy, tart, saturated with baked pears and Asian spices…the kind of wine that has its fingers so tightly dug into my throat that I can’t ignore or forget it…can’t stop hungering for just one more sip. As sensual and haunting a Chenin as I’ve had in years. I’d like to pretend I’m going to stop my fixation with this wine but I can feel it now, not going to happen. 

Finding Shit Like This Here- Really people?! I find an immense sense of satisfaction when I see crap like this, anally impaled animals for wine or booze bottles…,assures me that as fucked up as I am, someone else is way worse.  

Moon Dancing- Long time readers know about my late night escapes from the confines of my home. The slipping past my screen, glass in hand, feet pattering against the cold and sometimes wet concrete as I make my way out to my silly little perch beside the stream that babbles though my apartment complex. My visits with the love of my life, the man on the moon. Most don’t know why and while this place and sharing of myself is also an obsession/addiction, my reasons for that are mine and mine alone. Kills me to say it but I think it might be time for me to grow up, and much like I long ago gave up on making wishes into soapy bubbles, maybe it’s time for me to stop dancing with the man on the moon, pretty sure he turned off the radio and can’t hear the band anymore. Might just be time to close things up and be inside where I belong. That said, it’s gorgeous out tonight, I’ve got this half bottle of Redbreast and just enough energy for one more moon dance… 


Thomas said...

Cannot imagine what a blog post of yours would be like had you a lot to say...

Is there a vacation in the offing? Seems like there ought to be.

Samantha Dugan said...

Was this a lot? Yikes, sorry kid. I was writing something else, something a little more personal and it scared me off, spun me off rather, into this post. There is Spain in April and I am more than ready....

webb said...

I have two words for you ... Blenheim Winery. Located in picturesque Charlottesville, VA., good wines in huge glasses and did I mention owned by DM? That, too, is on my special Virginia Wine Exploration Tour.

Would you share your recipe for Roasted Salsa? sounds divine.

Hope your funk was just February magnified by cessation and hung over a bit into March. hopefully, April will bring all the good things of spring, including an end to the funk.

Rogue Wino said...

Ah the brussels! I am so stuck on these as well! I just sautee them with with a little garlic, salt, and chili flake and they are perfect every time. The boyfriend has been suggesting I give the smoked bacon chipotle salt in the cabinet a whirl however

Thomas said...

I grow Brussels Sprouts--can't get enough of them.

Samantha Dugan said...

I honestly tried to over dose on Dave last night, just looping and playing the same things over and over..didn't get tired of it once...dammit. The video component or aspect didn't help get me over him as it were...fuck, he is so hot. And should I ever make it out that way I am grabbing you and e are going to his winery together! Holy shit, my ultimate Dave dream, him pouring me wine....while singing and raising those eyebrows at me. Yeah, pretty sure I would stroke out. Lots of changes here, some good some not so, the change of seasons, hormones and some surrounding sadness...just piles on ya know? I'll get better, I always do.
Private message me and I will be happy to send you the recipe for the salsa, hell I'll do one better and send you a jar so you will know what it should taste like. Would be my pleasure, but only if you gush, tell me how amazing it is...and that it makes you fall in love with me. Deal?

Rogue Wino,
I do them that way too, right down to the pepper flakes! This bacon juice business is new and I cannot get over how well bacon pairs with the sprouts...kinda insane, so I'm with the boyfriend on that one girlie, get, on, it!

Avoir la Peche said...

Hi Samantha - don't worry...if your weather is anything like here in the UK (though I can't believe it is in Cali!) then we all get in a bit of a funk at this time of year.
In the meantime - loving your selections of wines and cheeses (especially blue ones....what's wrong with your customers?!)
Sprout fan too...though the bacon juice might have to wait till post wedding to try ;)

Avoir la Peche said...

oh also - please post your message for the salsa too! sounds lush!

Ron Washam, HMW said...

My Gorgeous Samantha,
I think we're in similar places, though I don't listen to as much Dave Mathews. So much going on in life outside of the blogosphere. I am sorry you're having trouble sleeping, but thrilled you've abandoned smoking.

Old sayings and perceived wisdom don't help much at these times. Confusion reigns, and it's a harsh mistress. Which I normally like, but not in this case. I hope your upcoming Spanish adventure shifts your perspective. I'm hoping a serious blow to the head does the same for me.

Your salsa was fantastic, by the way, though you know that. Not as hot as You, but, then, what is?

I love you, Baby!

Romes said...

Oh Sam... started a different post indeed. And love, those Dave songs? Yikes.

So, I'd love to have some of this famous salsa... but I think it best that we make it together - next weekend? Cost or miles expenditures be damned, maybe some sherry, burgundy, bourbon and all night gab sessions can break us both out of our funks (I got a good one going right now too). Text me what you think and I'll clear it with Trav tonight.

Love you,

Samantha Dugan said...

Avoir la Peche,
Well welcome you! Having a new face is always a welcome surprise around here anymore so I appreciate your reading through some posts, (your mention of the customers and blue cheeses gave me a clue you read "What About The Classics?" post, so thanks for that. Cannot recommend bacon and Brussels enough, although I get having to wait until the dress zips up and the "deed is done" as it were, congratulations by the way. I keep a little bowl of bacon fat and give the parboiled sprouts a toss in that before roasting them, (salt, pepper, and red pepper flakes) in a blazing over until freaking good. Send me an email and I'd be more than happy to hook you up with the recipe for salsa!

Ron My Love,
The only problem I have with sleeping is that I'm spending like whole fucking days doing it! Bad sign for me as I'm sure you must know but as I said here, I think that noise is going to be the first thing I'm over. Seems that a few of us is feeling a wee bit funky which is why I share these when I'm really feeling it. First of all the "writing" helps me and second, just to let anyone else who might be slugging along, feeling brokenhearted and alone...that they aren't. Not sure it helps anyone but I know when people come back and tell me they are in the same kind of yuckiness it sort of makes me feel like less of a freak, or cry baby. So I'm sorry Ronald Washam, that you are feeling glum and I can only say that I hope you find peace and the happiness you seek. I love You, always.

Oh fuck, am I on like suicide watch or something?! It's serious girlie but nowhere near THAT serious. I'd love to have you and would do anything I could to help ease your funk, (what is up with all of us?! I only hope yours is just seasons...maybe some residual mom stuff? Not a broken and lonely heart) but if you were coming for me, I honestly think I might be a tad too....fragile to really open up to one of our all night talks. Know what I mean? Everything too bruised to touch right now but I know that will change with some time....fuck I hope anyway. I've done some stupid shit, been drinking a little more than I should, am making love to my fucking couch instead of being amongst the living and I'm finding a partner with Dave right now, but I'm okay sweet girl, I promise. Plus I work all next weekend so our little couchcapades might just kill me! Love you beautiful lady and I simply cannot believe this stupid blog of mine brought you into my life...feeling very lucky, especially now.

Oh and what the hell is wrong with my Dave choices?! I think I told you that Dave's CDs seem to mirror my life, speak to me at just the right time? Well this one was just early and now I can hear him croon at me and try and mend my heart. Would be better if he just got out here and scooped me up in his goddamn arms already....but I'll take him articulating to me, while singing, exactly what I'm feeling....much like me sharing my stupid shit here is me trying to work it out and let people know they aren't alone...Dave does that for me, and in such a fucking sexy way. Damn...
I adore you Jess and lets try and hook up a visit here soon. I miss you.

Sara Louise said...

I think I may have eaten that baby chick :(

Samantha Dugan said...

So my boss comes in yesterday and tells me he is going to use a bunch of this post for a blog for our new website. I am mildly embarrassed at first, this is a rather personal pretty sullen post but he goes on to say, "I took out the Dave Matthews stuff and a few fucks" and the first thing that came flying out of my mouth? Not thank you, not are you it was, "Did you keep Poof Bunny and Nugget?" in a somewhat panicked tone. See, I love those pictures too much!