Thursday, November 1, 2012

Still Breathing



And adjusting to life without smoking, such a strange feeling and situation, to loathe and love, be thankful to be rid of and miss more than you ever thought possible, a thing...not even a person, an action, a feeling, moments of quiet and the soothing burn of harsh smoke being pulled into my chest. Fuck do I miss it, but I'm proud to say that I am still clean, not smoking and I've yet to kill anyone. 

Gotten a few notes, letters, calls and messages this past week, people checking in and asking if I've quit blogging which is terribly sweet, albeit guilt inspiring, so I figured there might be a few of you out there wondering as well but not sure if you should reach out/comment/ask, so a brief note to all seems in order....



I have not, (as of yet anyway) quit blogging or writing or whatever we wish to call this silly arena. I've taken a little time away to deal with both the physical and emotional withdrawal that hit me maybe a little harder than I was ready for. I do feel bad for bailing, pulling away and keeping quiet, and there are a couple of reasons for that....not the least of which is I didn't want you all to witness what a whinny twat I've been, or feel like I'm bumming everyone out with one of my rages. It has been way suckie people but each day is a little easier and moves me closer to being able to say, "I am an ex smoker" and I am way ready for that.



So I'm not gone, just taking time to adjust and deal, lick my stinging wounds as it were without subjecting you all to the whimpering. I am beginning to miss you all, this place, stretching my voice and meeting you all here. It is starting to gnaw away at me kids and a girl can only polish her nails so many times a week...going a touch stir crazy in fact, so I'm hoping my need to write, share, feel loved and appreciated, that it will demand that I put newly polished nails to keyboard...soon. In fact this little note feels more right than I've felt in two weeks...fuck, I miss you guys and unlike those Cancer sticks, visiting with you won't kill me, in fact quite the opposite, might just help save me...   

10 comments:

Charlie Olken said...

Welcome home. Or to be more accurate, welcome back, because I am sure you have spent plenty of time at home fretting, bitching, itching, twitching over the empty spot that an old and loved habit leaves when it is no longer there to give aid and comfort.

Well, sorry about that, but hopefully, you will someday look back and smile contentedly knowing that you are in a better place--alive and well and healthy and loved.

John M. Kelly said...

^^^what Charlie said^^^

Some folks are out there writing every day, and thank goodness they are or I would have less to read and my own experience would lose some of the richness I selfishly treasure.

I am not a writer, nor do I have aspirations to write for a living. I write what and when I do because I must or my head would explode.

My life is richer for being able to read your posts whenever they occur, and I thank you for it. But even if you stop writing my life will still be rich for knowing you.

Hang in there my friend. Kicking a habit is like losing a loved one. So which stage of grief are you in now?

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Funny how bad habits can insert themselves insidiously into the best things we do. Smoking and writing became intertwined for you, it sounds like, and in giving up cigarettes forever you had to give up writing for a bit. I hate the wait for you to return with a full head of steam, as only you can, but if it means that you'll never smoke another tiny piece of death, then I can wait a very, very long time.

Congratulations, My Sweet Love. You're now someone far more important than an M.S. You're an N.S. Non Smoker. Makes me smile just to think about it.

I love you!

Samantha Dugan said...

Sir Charles,

Your sweet, "I'm waiting" email is one of the ones that inspired this desire to get back where I belong, with all of you. I missed you sweet man.

John,
Well my brother from another, you went and made me cry with your sweet words. You have this knack for making me feel very proud of the woman I am, the one that would grab the attention of the smarts cats like you...and be able to keep them. You know I love you very much kid and thanks for the support.

Ron My Love,
Lets hope none of us have to wait much longer. I miss feeling alive and watching my words bounce to life...feeling the way you respond and the remarkable way you take my breath away with your response. I need it and I very much need You.

chris said...

I'm so proud of you. :)

gabe said...

your brilliant insights in the world of wine are genuinely missed.
glad to hear you are kicking your vice. i wish you the best of luck, and i sincerely await your return to the world of blogging.

Valerie said...

Just popping round to say "hey" and clink virtual glasses with you. Cheers to you and your journey to smoke free - and thank goodness it's not "wine free". xo

Samantha Dugan said...

Chris,
Awe, thanks lady.

Gabe,
Well aren't you just the sweetest. I am beginning to feel normal again so hopefully I'll return soon!

Valerie,
Cheers to you as well sweet woman.

Winey the Elder said...

I would lighten your burden, salve your wounds, release you from the devilish grip of the sinister "nic", if I were able and I suspect a legion of others would too.

Thanks for "surfacing" and giving another wisp of your rarefied air. Even in measured amounts it replenishes.
"We sing, but oh the clay is vile
beneath our feet, and long the mile."

WtE

Samantha Dugan said...

Winey,
This comment felt like a much needed hug. The kind that feels like you are being wrapped up, someone is holding/petting your head and you can just tell that everything is on its way back to being normal. Thank you dear man and consider your face peppered with tiny thank you kisses.