Tuesday, November 6, 2012

You Gots To Go



While often accused of being a "wine snob" mostly due to the fact that I buy and drink French wines, (never understand how that makes me a snob, it's a preference not a statement against any other place or their wines...dammit) the truth is I'm about as far away from that derogatory and somewhat telling, (of the person slinging the bullshit) of ones own insecurities, comment. I am all for wine drinking period. I don't care where you get them from, how sweet or how dry, how classic or true I might believe the wine to be, so long as you are drinking wine and happy with what's in your glass, well then I am all in and will probably be the first person to come to anyone's defense when their tipple of choice is being sneered at or snickered about. In fact I have taken one of my staff to task after some pretty shitty and condescending comments regarding things like Stella Rosa or Roscato, won't have that attitude near me and absolutely won't have it stinking up the shop....

Sure I get annoyed, even chaffed at times, with those bullshit girlie labels and marketing gimmicks, stupid shit like this





But whatever, I might not drink them but if that's your wine thing, go for it, I won't even roll my eyes, (okay, I might a little for the wtf Pinot Noir) or anything but there is one place I have to draw the line and that is on the fruity cocktails being sold as wine. Stop it...just stop it.




I wrote a piece not too long ago about this chocolate flavored wine nonsense and right after that I was smacked in the mug with yet another such rantable product when picking up a flat of glassware from our tasting room only to see spent glasses with milky, pastel covered slime that smelled like a stripper pole. I was hell bent on making fun of that shit, that was until.....




Fuck, two big stacks of the crap showed up at the back door a couple days later! Never one to give my coworkers too much grief I gave up the post idea and just poked fun at him when no one was looking. Yeah, that was until Sunday when I actually put this loathsome shit, that's pretending to be wine, in my mouth...mother fucker, nearly horked just trying to expectorate the crap. I didn't think things could be worse than the CocoVine or whatever the hell, dude...so wrong. This Vine Smoothie is some of, no, not some of, the most disgusting stuff I have ever had the displeasure to deal with. So not only is it dreadful tasting there appears to be some kind of textural "issue" with this crap as well. I kept having people try it and once they rightly dumped the foul crap the shit started to separate!  







Yeah, slapped some redtags on those mother f'ers and I will stand/sit here in my snootiest tone, face all twisted with attitude as I say that this is truly horrific shit and as far from wine as you can get.

 Vine Smoothies and your "French Chardonnay" and "Holland's famous Dutch Cream" are two great tastes that DO NOT taste great together...in fact it looks as if they can't even retain their relationship long enough to be poured down the drain before falling apart. Truly vile and now truly getting its ass kicked out of the store. 
Veto.       

13 comments:

Susan said...

Gross!!!

Puff Daddy said...

How do they compare to Rombauer Chardonnay? Inquiring minds want to know.

webb said...

It looks disgusting.

May i ask a question about wine? Are youfamiliar with Picpoul de Pinet? A friend gaveus a bottlerecently and we really liked it. And, its ridiculously inexpensive ... that makes me wonder. whats wrong with it.. any thoughts?

Samantha Dugan said...

Susan,
Tis!

Charlie My Sweet,
Just a shade less sweet....

Webb,
I love Picpoul! Fantastically crisp and refreshing white wine for very, very little money. What's not to love?! Glad you found them in fact. Enjoy!

webb said...

Gee whiz, gosh. I thought i had stumbled onto the modern boones farm. Youre saying this is real wine. And french even. Thinh ill go buy a case. Thanks.

TWG said...

What's next a wound care slide show? Some of just can't take posts like this.

Samantha Dugan said...

Webb,
Is that snark I sense?! Very proud of you....

TWG,
Make yer tummy feel icky? Yeah, well trying swallowing that crap! So nasty.

Valerie said...

Oh, we're here with the "chocolate 'wine'" again, are we? There's a bottle of it downstairs next to my wine fridge that someone brought to a party. Notice I said "next to" as it has not earned a place "in" the wine fridge ... and some other cheap sweet crap. PS - Love me some Picpoul - first had it in a fav wine bar back east. I'm guessing it's cheap because it's Languedoc-Rousillon and the world hasn't yet figured out these interesting - and some really great, approachable - wines are the some of the best bargains coming out of France. I'm always seeking out something different and pays D'OC rarely disappoints.xo

Sara Louise said...

Confession: You know how in France, they don't have 'girly' or 'critter' labels? Well last Saturday while at my beloved bar au vin, I saw a bottle of sparkling rosé called, Pink Frog. I was so intrigued by it because it looked so foreign surrounded by all of the other bottles so of course, we had to try it. BIG MISTAKE. HUGE. It was so sweet our teeth hurt. I felt like a total idiot afterwords for ordering it and I feel like I've lost a bit of street cred there. Hanging my head in shame.

Samantha Dugan said...

Val,
I'm still pissed about the chocolate crap but these atrocities were of a whole new level of sheer repulsion. The texture is gag inducing, much like that creamy, milky chocolate "wine" but it is what happened in the dump bucket and in the dump glass, (which we used after stashing the bucket in the kitchen because we were so traumatically grossed out) that inspired the red tagging. If this creepy goo is doing that in the glass, what the hell is it doing in our bodies?! Sick, just sick. Oh and I have to tell you, just got in a Picpoul I had been working with for a couple years, now with a new importer and....what I used to sell for $8.99 now has to retail for $13.99. Mother fucker, think they are catching on....dammit. As always lovely, was wonderful to hear from you!

Sara,
Was it from the Languedoc? There is a line here, started by a Frenchman in the Languedoc, (whom I hear loves Texas and making fun of his own people by the way) called Arrogant Frog. The wines are made there in France and a couple of them aren't horrible, especially for the prices but, just cannot get behind or ask my customers to buy shit like Lilly Pad White. The wines are for the most part stupid, and priced accordingly to be fair, but I'm wondering if that is what you got? Either way, you still have lots of Gigondas and Champagne cred stored up with me lady and please keep in mind, I will be just a few hours away from you come April....lots of extra rooms, a couple winery trips to plan....how you feel about Cava? Just sayin'

Sara Louise said...

I know the Arrogant Frog label, it was actually marketed through a book that I was asked to review on my blog, Love In A Warm Climate, and bought a bottle of it when I was in Texas last year, it wasn't horrible. But I think this Pink Frog monster is from Savoy (maybe???).
And yes, I would LOVE to meet up with you when you are over, you'll have to send me your plans :)

msfizz said...

I didn't know there was ever such a thing as wine smoothies but eeww and eww some more

Samantha Dugan said...

Sara,
You know I will!

msfizz,
Sadly, it is so. Oh and welcome!