Tuesday, November 6, 2012
You Gots To Go
While often accused of being a "wine snob" mostly due to the fact that I buy and drink French wines, (never understand how that makes me a snob, it's a preference not a statement against any other place or their wines...dammit) the truth is I'm about as far away from that derogatory and somewhat telling, (of the person slinging the bullshit) of ones own insecurities, comment. I am all for wine drinking period. I don't care where you get them from, how sweet or how dry, how classic or true I might believe the wine to be, so long as you are drinking wine and happy with what's in your glass, well then I am all in and will probably be the first person to come to anyone's defense when their tipple of choice is being sneered at or snickered about. In fact I have taken one of my staff to task after some pretty shitty and condescending comments regarding things like Stella Rosa or Roscato, won't have that attitude near me and absolutely won't have it stinking up the shop....
Sure I get annoyed, even chaffed at times, with those bullshit girlie labels and marketing gimmicks, stupid shit like this
But whatever, I might not drink them but if that's your wine thing, go for it, I won't even roll my eyes, (okay, I might a little for the wtf Pinot Noir) or anything but there is one place I have to draw the line and that is on the fruity cocktails being sold as wine. Stop it...just stop it.
I wrote a piece not too long ago about this chocolate flavored wine nonsense and right after that I was smacked in the mug with yet another such rantable product when picking up a flat of glassware from our tasting room only to see spent glasses with milky, pastel covered slime that smelled like a stripper pole. I was hell bent on making fun of that shit, that was until.....
Fuck, two big stacks of the crap showed up at the back door a couple days later! Never one to give my coworkers too much grief I gave up the post idea and just poked fun at him when no one was looking. Yeah, that was until Sunday when I actually put this loathsome shit, that's pretending to be wine, in my mouth...mother fucker, nearly horked just trying to expectorate the crap. I didn't think things could be worse than the CocoVine or whatever the hell, dude...so wrong. This Vine Smoothie is some of, no, not some of, the most disgusting stuff I have ever had the displeasure to deal with. So not only is it dreadful tasting there appears to be some kind of textural "issue" with this crap as well. I kept having people try it and once they rightly dumped the foul crap the shit started to separate!
Yeah, slapped some redtags on those mother f'ers and I will stand/sit here in my snootiest tone, face all twisted with attitude as I say that this is truly horrific shit and as far from wine as you can get.
Vine Smoothies and your "French Chardonnay" and "Holland's famous Dutch Cream" are two great tastes that DO NOT taste great together...in fact it looks as if they can't even retain their relationship long enough to be poured down the drain before falling apart. Truly vile and now truly getting its ass kicked out of the store.