Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Dude, This Sucks...Like Huge





"So if I'm a raving cunt, it's probably nothing you did....it's likely just me" My words to coworkers yesterday. Just a warning that I might be a tad on edge and the possibility of me verbally ripping their faces off, well chances were kinda high....

So it has been nearly 36 hours since I had a cigarette and let me tell you, "fuckfuckfuckfuckitybullshitblowmethissuckgiantmonkeycockfuckshitfuck."  This is by far one of the hardest things I've chosen to do. Sure, I've been through things that might be harder but imposing this sentence upon myself, yeah, way up there in the "this is insane" department. 




So I'm still on track, feeling like I am going rip through my skin at any second, but still on track. Holding on the my fortune from the day I quit, telling it to go fuck itself from time to time, but keeping those words in my head and trying to use them as a buffer between me and whatever fucktard is pissing my nicotine deprived ass off at the moment....gawd, this sucks.

Cranky but still not smoking....
This has got to get better right?!
Whimper.... 

24 comments:

Ron Washam, HMW said...

My Gorgeous Samantha,
Just like holding your breath, the first 36 hours are the hardest.

I know you're done smoking. I don't envy you the withdrawal, and I've never smoked so I don't know how horrible it must feel, but, for what it's worth, I'm beside myself with joy that you quit. Congratulations, Baby, what a wonderful gift to us all.

Can't wait to kiss those smoke-free lips.

I love you so!

Samantha Dugan said...

Grumble.....

Wayne Young said...

I wish I could add something to Ron's comment, but I can't possibly express it any better...
I am SO happy that you are doing this and it WILL get easier...

Ron Washam, HMW said...

Grumble it is...

Samantha Dugan said...

Ron My Love,
I love you. Thank you for the words of support and for believing in me. I hate this but there has to be something wonderful at the end of it...might just be those kisses you talk about?

Wayne,
Dude. Cannot believe how hard this is...and what a fucking cunt bag bitch it is making me! My husband said this morning, "Awe, look how cute my wife is, even when she wants to rip my throat out" written all over me I guess. Thanks for being in my corner love.

Marcia Macomber said...

Hang in there! Hang in there! Hang in there!

You can do it! You're mentally already a non-smoker. You're body will shut up about the withdrawal soon....

Not Puffing Anymore, Daddy said...

Cigarettes are the one legal products whose regular daily use is likely to kill you.

KILL YOU. DEAD.

That is why you need to be very angry, VERY FUCKING ANGRY at cigarettes.

Tell those bad boys to go fuck themselves. That is the very least they deserve.

And, Sam, love yourself inspite of your nerves and anger. They pass. I know. I have been there.

Keep up the fight, kid. We are walking with you on every side. Maybe in part because it makes us feel good too, but mostly because we know, WE KNOW, that you are engaged in a great and holy struggle that will lead to better health and better times.

Hugs and Kisses,
Charlie

Do Bianchi said...

know that we're thinking of you and rooting for you lady! sending lots of love...

Ed H. said...

Something to think about: You've been an adult for some time now, but you've never been a nicotine-free adult before. So you'll feel emotions as well as physical sensations differently, and you'll have to confront some social or professional situations head on and immediately instead of from behind, or after, a cigarette. Takes some getting used to. If it gets too much, ramp up the gum consumption for a little bit. Tapering off works better for some than cold turkey. Or try patches... I had probably 90% less discomfort with them vs gum. Most of all, be kind to yourself. It's a process, a path. You've already gotten through the worst of it. You're winning.

webb said...

And, maybe wine will taste even better! Am so proud of you. Its hard work, but you CAN do it. I know you can.

Romes said...

This is me giving you a boob to boob smashing hug! There, now you really feel better don't you?

Samantha Dugan said...

Marcia,
It better!

Sir Puffless Daddy,
I'm all about telling things to go fuck themselves right now...brings a little tear of joy to my even, so yes, "Go fuck yourself Saratoga Menthols" sigh....I'll work on it and thanks for the words of support Charlie baby.

Jeremy,
Thank you sweetheart and hugs and kisses to you and your lovely girls.

Ed,
Dude, you are so good. It's weird, there are little things that I didn't even realize I was using my smokes for. Like telling the time, I would smoke an hour after I got into work and every hour after that, so I always had an idea what time it was, "Had three cigarettes so it must be around 1:00" stuff like that, now I have no damn idea what time it is. Dealing with difficult folks has been kinda easy so far as I think I am still in a bit of shock and "are you fucking kidding me?!" seems to be the general feeling around here so not much seems to phase me, yet...

Webb,
Thank you! That helps more than you know!!

Jess,
Boobs?! Well hell yeah I feel better.

Thomas said...

Sam,

You are doing as expected. Just remember that for a long time those little fire sticks had a hold over you that you allowed no one or no other thing to have over you. The time to break that hold has come and there "ain't no way" you will give those cancer/heart killing bastards another chance.

...and wine will taste better, even if it's only in your mind.

John M. Kelly said...

Bitch? Please! I kicked a 130 mg/day fast-acting oxycontin habit in 2 weeks. Quitting cigarettes in my 20's was way easy by comparison. If my weak ass can get over it, your strong one certainly can.

But seriously, my friend - hang in there. We are all pulling for you. We know you are going to be fine (right now I fear for Call-o and Jeremy, though).

Samantha Dugan said...

Thomas,
Lots of things are better in my head so I will be happy to add wine to that list!

John,
Thanks baby and keep that phone on, I might still need my brother from anotha if I freak out or something. The boys are safe, I've been making an effort to be silly, make fun of myself and not react when i feel all edgy, not always easy but worth it to not abuse my dudes.

Sara Louise said...

It does get better, and easier. Every day will get easier, I promise. And remember; you are stronger than some dried weeds rolled up in paper. xo

Samantha Dugan said...

Thanks Sara!

No Puffing Daddy said...

Hang in there, Sam. By now, it is 48 hours and counting. Another day and you are over the hump.

Been there. Didn't like. Happy now. Happy for you.

Yukon View said...

Here's someone who has never met you, sending you thoughts and prayers. It is really, really tough to quit smoking. The end result, however, is glorious. From the frosty village of Fortuna Ledge, Alaska

gabe said...

Sorry to hear about your struggles.
But it's 7pm on a Sunday and I'm alone at the winery, waiting another half hour before i start punchdowns.
I need a wine blog fix!

Joe said...

It does get better. I can't think of smoking a cigarette these days (though I do like smokeless tobacco... another story). Took me 13 well-documented times to quit, so don't get discouraged.

You'll be amazed how strong the smell of cigarette smoke is on the smokers once you are a non-smoker. You won't get winded going up stairs. Little bits of life out there that will validate your decision when at your lowest point. Hang tough, kid!

chris said...

Hi Sam,

It's been almost a week since you posted this. How are you feeling? Hope the hardest part is now behind you.

Hang in there.

Samantha Dugan said...

Sorry for the Keyser Soze everyone. Been staying away from the internet for the most past the past few days. I appreciate everyone leaving their sweet and supportive comments, means more than you can possibly know.

Still struggling, like a lot. Cranky. Not sleeping, like at all...but I'm trying. I hope to be back here soon everyone.
XXOO

Valerie said...

Wow - I picked a hell of a time to pop round for a visit. "fuckfuckfuckfuckitybullshitblowmethissuckgiantmonkeycockfuckshitfuck" I've missed you! I'm going to dedicate one of my fruity woo-woo yoga practices to you and your quitting journey. Seriously - pulling for you & damn proud! xo