Saturday, March 27, 2010

Least It Is Not My Unders That Are Twisted This Time....

Okay now I still might think the finger plate deal, this one…..

Might be the stupidest and most ill conceived gimmick I’ve seen, (Um, what’s gonna happen when you take a sip of that wine huh?!) associated with wine but, I was recently sent an email from one of my bosses Dale Kemner with the title line, “More stupid wine tricks”. Dale does all the accessory buying for the store so the catalogs full of useless crap she gets to flip through is staggering.

I have to admit that I am a rather practical person in general. I don’t spend a lot of money on clothes, shoes, jewelry or kitchen gadgets….even less time thinking about them and when it comes to my enjoyment of wine there are very few things I need. A glass and it doesn’t even need to be “The Proper Glass” I’m never going to be one of those people that bring their own stems to a restaurant. A wine opener, waiters opener is always preferred….those regal looking table top numbers are just too fancy for me and honestly, more often than not I end up doing it wrong and wind up standing there….wine all over and the cork shoved in the bottle, something that brings my father in-law hours of entertainment. Sometimes a decanter is nice but if I don’t have one it’s no big deal, plus those suckers can be a bitch to clean, and those too have fallen prey to the “Stupid wine trick” folks. How ya gonna clean this sucker?!

Glass charms, those temperature gauges that you attach to the bottle, the self filling wine glass, the wine bra and beer belly….all things that make me shake my head and wonder who the hell uses that crap?! Well whoever they are they have a new “Must Have” item to prove just how into wine they are….sigh.

Underpants. Wine glass underpants, well who the hell doesn’t need that?! I mean this is a very useful garment wine being known for its incontinence and all, not to mention you can impress your friends with your matching abilities, “Hey look my shirt matches my wine glass’s panties”…ugh. I’m going to have to veto and will not be purchasing any Woozies, (fantastic name by the way) as I know I would be wigged out by my lips hitting that neoprene shit each time I took a sip of my wine…that and they are profoundly stupid and junk.


Charlie Olken said...

I want one of those decanters. Not to serve wine out of it--but it would make a nice table top ornament. You could even put a star on top of it and use it as a Christmas tree. I have some green wine that would look good in there.

Benito said...

I want to design a foam rubber contraption that completely encases your wine glass so that from a distance it looks like you're drinking beer with a cozy on it. It's going to be garish and look like the kind of thing you'd get by mailing in 250 Marlboro Miles back in 1979.

I think it's got an ironic hipster vibe that will do great with the Millennials.

Samantha Dugan said...

Sir Charles,

I now know what to get your for Christmas....sigh.


I would so rock one of those "cozies" on the Jersey Shore. Can you design something that will make my Aqua Net look like Vidal Sassoon?

Ron Washam said...

My Gorgeous Samantha,

See, I happen to think that drinking wine out of underpants is a good thing. I just don't know why the glass is necessary.

It's only natural that people who fall in love with wine want to buy it lingerie. Everything tastes better out of lingerie! I might even drink Gruner Veltliner if it were wearing sexy lederhosen and called me nasty names. And Lodi Zin is much better when consumed from slightly soiled panties.

And what could be sexier than a loving Champagne toast with underpants? Who needs the clink of glasses when you can have the gentle rubbing of cotton undies instead? Do they make them in crotchless?

I love you!

Your HoseMaster

Samantha Dugan said...

Ron My Love,
You naughty little monkey you! Be careful what you say Love, I might end up having to either wash your mouth out with Dornfelder or give you a gentle little spanking....

Sara Louise said...

Those Woozies are classy! Actually, I might have to get my mother one for her return to Texas. It will keep her white nice and chilled. Thanks, you just took care of Xmas for me :-)

Samantha Dugan said...

Okay first Charlie and the decanter and now you Sara with the Woozies, for the love of Gawd please tell me no one is going to buy those stoopid finger plates. Well if you mom will like them it's cool but man...I just cannot do it.

Charlie Olken said...


As a decanter, it makes a great scupture.

As a sculpture, it makes a lousy decanter.

Can you imagine walking around a dinner table trying to pour wine for your guest?

But really, how can you let Ron get away with that silliness? Undies are for undies. Wine is for wine, and I have better things to do with undies than to drink wine out of them.

I mean, in order to drink the wine, you have to keep them on. Take them off, toss them in the corner and you will get one hell of a mess. Keep the separate I say.

Samantha Dugan said...

Sir Charles,

Like I didn't think that decanter was stupid enough now I have a mental image of trying to pour from it...yup, even dumber.

As for Ron's pantie rant, I was just so thrilled to see him again that I let it slide. That and it made me want to run out and get a pair of leder-"Hosen"....