Thursday, November 11, 2010

Quick Detour....

What the hell?!

This bottle was forced in my hand by some random "sales rep" this afternoon. The second I saw it I thought for sure my bosses were testing me. Like they sent this aggressive woman, this wont-take-no-for-an-answer beast with her bad hair, loud perfume, even louder shirt, shitty attitude and eyeliner that was either a result of her dt's or some sort of seismic reading. I figured they sent her to see how I would react in such a situation, see if I could refrain from making my, "Are you high?!" face complete with snarl and scary Sam eyebrow.

"I wanted to show you this" the beast says while handing me this bottle wrapped...and I kid you not, in a plastic bag like the ones you shove your leaky meat into at the grocery store. I looked at the bottle, (scroll back up and feel my pain) and looked back at her while scanning the store for Randy and Dale peeking behind case stacks to see of I was gonna go Di Nero on her ass.

"It's already doing well at Vons" she told me with her one bar too many crinkled mug. This, this was my out. I handed the bottle back to her, the plastic kind of sticking to my hand and said, "Oh okay, we don't stock things that people can find at Vons" grinning, I was grinning....not because I was feeling bitchy as much as I was relieved that I would not have to actually taste it. Stare. Hard stare with a smirk, this is what this plastic bag wrapping, glitter bottle peddling, Baby Jane looking woman gave me. Oh...okay, it's on.

"It's doing well. Why wouldn't a place like this want to stock a wine that is doing well?" she challenged. "Why the hell would anyone drive here, to get.....that, when they can buy it while buying their suppositories?" I replied again looking for Randy and Dale sure that I was getting a giant "F" on this test. "Look, we are a destination store, people have to make the effort to come here and if they can get this while shopping then there is no need for us to have it" I said refusing to take the sticky bag bottle again.

"Here" she said shoving the bottle against my arm, "Just let me leave the bottle and I'll wait for your call" I let the oh so many ways, bottle fall in my palm and watched as the sea hag marched triumphantly for the front door, my shock and awe hanging like a bubble of drool from my "how the hell did this happen?" lips.

Got the wine home and after showing it to my husband who instantly said, "What the hell is THAT?" I shoved the bling bottle in the fridge to give it a chill. An hour later I pulled the hideous bottle from its chilling chamber and popped the cork...

Budweiser, smells exactly like Budweiser. That sweet, insipid stank of the world's worst beer....awesome. Took one sip of the nearly clear liquid and again....King of Beers. Fantastic. The one beer on the planet that had me thinking all beer was utter shit was now wearing a fancy gold bottle and calling itself sparkling wine....still shit.

Best part? This hooker juice wholesales for...$21.99 a bottle. Well unless you want the bottle without the "jewels" and yes, that's what Baby Jane called them, you can get the less bedazzled bottle wholesale for $sixteen something....fuck.

Cannot wait for her follow up call......


JW said...

But the package is sooo classy!


Thomas said...


Maybe you didn't like the wine because of the set up that psychologically prepared you to hate the stuff.

No emoticon, but tongue is firmly planted in cheek!!!

Anonymous said...

Your palate never ceases to amaze me... if one says to me "Beverly Hills" or "Vegas", and asked me what the terroir would taste like on the palate, well hell's bell's Sam, the insipid stank of Budweiser would indeed be it. 'Course, I'd just call it cat piss water... but, you know, insipid stank works too.

Michael Hughes said...

Oh hell no

Samantha Dugan said...

Sure as shit aint short on shinny.

The thing that bugged me on a personal level about that woman is she clearly knew dick about wine and she was giving me shit. Hey, not everyone knows wine, I am fine with that. Not everyone has beautiful wines to sell, get that too but don't get up in my grill and act like I'm the idiot when I don't want you to waste a bottle I know I am not going to bring in...k?!

Another Day of Crazy,
This thing has trailer park christening written all over it. If the Nascar folks ever get in a beef with those milk people, I got their wine.

Sadly, it's real.

John M. Kelly said...

At least that Sophia Coppola swill had a clever package. And a hot spokesmodel.

Honest to god if I saw that shite on the shelf at my market I'd give the wine buyer a dope slap. I'd buy Cooks before I picked up that bottle - at least with Cooks I know what I'm getting for my money.

Sam, get to know the wine buyer for Vons. That way when some pushy rep comes in and says their "juice" is doing well there you pick up your phone and call, with the rep standing there. Imagine the fun of being able to turn to her and say: "gee the Vons buyer says they have not moved case one across all their stores."

Samantha Dugan said...

John My Sweet Friend,
Least the Sophia is just vapid this shit was truly terrible. Ugly and terrible, I expect to see it show up on The Housewives of Orange County any day now....

Nancy Deprez said...

Wow, I wish I were a sales rep like that! Let's see: 1. don't listen to your customer, 2. force customer to take what she already said no to, 3. be pushy, 4. insist, even after customer gives you a legitimate reason why she doesn't want to stock your nasty offering. Ugh!!! Why doesn't she hit up Ralphs or Albertson's instead? Or does that make too much logical sense?

Ron Washam said...

My Gorgeous Samantha,

So, was it better than Veuve Clicquot?

You know what, I love the packaging! It's like a bottle of sparkling wine murdered by Goldfinger.

God, I miss the retail wine biz.

I love you!

Bling Daddy said...

I have figured out the problem. It's the bling. Smart people don't get sucked in by the bling. We don't wear strands of gold chain. We don't choose our wine for the packaging. We don't have tats on our asses. Oh wait, I may have gone too far there. Pierre Peters will never forgive me.

Samantha Dugan said...

Seriously, whadda twit. I think she was going for that hard nosed salesperson thing but executed poorly....might have been the dismount, this cranky judge gave her a 2.0.

Ron My Love,
Hate to admit it but the widow Clicquot has nothing to fear...yeah that hurt a little. I was thinking it might be the drink of choice for a certain new player (ahem) in the MS Conspiracy....
I love you too!

Hey Bling Daddy,
I was going to go for Big Daddy but since you got my tat placement wrong I resisted. NOT ON MY ASS, slightly just above. That tears it, next time I'm visiting with you and you are stuffing me...with Champagne and oyster that is, I'm gonna show you the damn thing so you shall never get it wrong again. Miss you already...

vinosseur said...


I Love it when a distributor/importer/sales rep does their homework before coming in for a visit with a bottle of something that if they HAD done their homework, would be embarrassed come anywhere near me with!

Nice, honest write-up! Thanks for giving me a good laugh before I head to work!


Sara Louise said...

Hooker Juice!! Love it!
And I'm pretty sure this is the sh*t the cast of Jersey Shore parties with

Samantha Dugan said...

This one would never think of doing any homework, she clearly knows nothing about wine or the wine business. She was just some hag peddling some stuff, mattered not to whom for her. But I know what you mean and I get that all the time as a Champagne buyer, get to hear all the sales guys telling me how their bubbles are better than Moet and Clicquot without even bothering to notice that I carry neither...argh.

Oh this stuff has The Situation written all over it.

Valerie said...

"Hooker Juice" - I'm convulsing I'm laughing so hard. Although partly because I was too lazy to stuck up some decent vino before this sloppy Sunday, & just schlumped across the street to the crap market run by Middle Easterners who think I'm an idiot - it's where we buy 'emergency wine'- cheap-@$$ Tuscan Hooch (3 Euro 50 per bottle, to be exact)to wash down some Pecorino and leftover mushroom pasta. It's just the kind of place where one would buy 'hooker juice' come to think of it. Still giggling...thank you!

The Passionate Palate said...

Thank you so much for that humor break! Your descriptions are priceless.