Long and work filled day off for me today; emails, orders, calls, class promotion and me sitting here at my stupid laptop trying desperately to think of something to write that might inspire, draw in, seduce, cast upon me another pair of eyes that might actually see the me that sits here, not as confident as I project, seeking the same kind of admiration or understanding that all the others do, and finding myself a bit irritated about that. Reading things like “Separating the wheat from the chaff” with regards to wine blogs and wine writing, feeling that stiffening of my back as my “Oh fuck you” battles with the part of me that wonders where I fall in that equation, moreover, wondering if or why I should care. Waiting all day for the one and only thing that pulls me out of my lonely and wondering funk just to have it once again pulled out from under me. My wobbling legs steadying enough for me to stand up, dust myself off and snarl, “I think I’ve waited long enough”….
Ipod blaring anything that might rid the loop of thoughts that plague me, body flying to the music as a river of sweat flows down the center of my back and collects in that concaved valley that rests atop my ass. Hair sticking to my neck, teeth piercing my bottom lip, your whisper folding in between Dave’s growl and Tristan’s “Just when I thought I was free, knock knock the door is locked but you still got a key” my steps on the treadmill landing harder and with more purpose….running from you even though everything inside me is piling upon my shoulders, weighing me down and begging me to take you in. That twitch in my stomach, the one that makes my skin pull tight and tingle like someone’s mouth is tracing my ribcage, reminding me how easy it is for me to fall, become a serpent, fixated and obsessed with the tune you’re playing and willing to follow wherever you lead me. No one to blame if this happens again, except me…
My heart thumping in my chest I grab my keys and head out the door hearing the screen latch behind me, bare feet slapping against the wet concrete, sprinklers hissing and spraying my ankles, almost a warning to go back…but I can’t. Slipping my key in the lock, still in my ripped up white t-shirt and workout sweats, you so deeply under my skin, your voice and scent threatening to rip me in two, trying to grab hold of myself, my understanding of where I belong but finding my hands too shaky and slippery with the kind of want that makes it nearly impossible to hold on to anything. Promises of someday, until and maybe no match for the heady aroma of, “I’m here now and I want you so badly”….
Toes quietly flipping water across the glassy stillness of the pool, water soaking into the thick material gathered at my calves, the stark silence screaming in my ears, my head swimming with questions, why do I keep standing in the same line that doesn’t move while I watch those less vested, committed and dedicated move ahead? Less voice, less texture, less knowledge while pontificating as if they were experts in a field they aren’t even really in…and why the fuck does it bother me so. Why do I remain loyal when my flesh is being tugged on, stretched between the teeth of a mouth that begs me to jump in? The bits of water that fall back upon my legs cooling only my surface…my insides still burning, finding comfort in the fact that I would rather be inflamed than burn out, the knowing that I am now willing to sacrifice a little comfort for the freedom that comes with following the path of my own desire to learn, taste, feel and stand square shouldered, chin to chin, skin soaked with the same kind of want that wants me back..I’m in. I’m all in.