Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Someone Else's Sugar Is Sweeter

Long and work filled day off for me today; emails, orders, calls, class promotion and me sitting here at my stupid laptop trying desperately to think of something to write that might inspire, draw in, seduce, cast upon me another pair of eyes that might actually see the me that sits here, not as confident as I project, seeking the same kind of admiration or understanding that all the others do, and finding myself a bit irritated about that. Reading things like “Separating the wheat from the chaff” with regards to wine blogs and wine writing, feeling that stiffening of my back as my “Oh fuck you” battles with the part of me that wonders where I fall in that equation, moreover, wondering if or why I should care. Waiting all day for the one and only thing that pulls me out of my lonely and wondering funk just to have it once again pulled out from under me. My wobbling legs steadying enough for me to stand up, dust myself off and snarl, “I think I’ve waited long enough”….

Ipod blaring anything that might rid the loop of thoughts that plague me, body flying to the music as a river of sweat flows down the center of my back and collects in that concaved valley that rests atop my ass. Hair sticking to my neck, teeth piercing my bottom lip, your whisper folding in between Dave’s growl and Tristan’s “Just when I thought I was free, knock knock the door is locked but you still got a key” my steps on the treadmill landing harder and with more purpose….running from you even though everything inside me is piling upon my shoulders, weighing me down and begging me to take you in. That twitch in my stomach, the one that makes my skin pull tight and tingle like someone’s mouth is tracing my ribcage, reminding me how easy it is for me to fall, become a serpent, fixated and obsessed with the tune you’re playing and willing to follow wherever you lead me. No one to blame if this happens again, except me…

My heart thumping in my chest I grab my keys and head out the door hearing the screen latch behind me, bare feet slapping against the wet concrete, sprinklers hissing and spraying my ankles, almost a warning to go back…but I can’t. Slipping my key in the lock, still in my ripped up white t-shirt and workout sweats, you so deeply under my skin, your voice and scent threatening to rip me in two, trying to grab hold of myself, my understanding of where I belong but finding my hands too shaky and slippery with the kind of want that makes it nearly impossible to hold on to anything. Promises of someday, until and maybe no match for the heady aroma of, “I’m here now and I want you so badly”….

Toes quietly flipping water across the glassy stillness of the pool, water soaking into the thick material gathered at my calves, the stark silence screaming in my ears, my head swimming with questions, why do I keep standing in the same line that doesn’t move while I watch those less vested, committed and dedicated move ahead? Less voice, less texture, less knowledge while pontificating as if they were experts in a field they aren’t even really in…and why the fuck does it bother me so. Why do I remain loyal when my flesh is being tugged on, stretched between the teeth of a mouth that begs me to jump in? The bits of water that fall back upon my legs cooling only my surface…my insides still burning, finding comfort in the fact that I would rather be inflamed than burn out, the knowing that I am now willing to sacrifice a little comfort for the freedom that comes with following the path of my own desire to learn, taste, feel and stand square shouldered, chin to chin, skin soaked with the same kind of want that wants me back..I’m in. I’m all in. 

Look out
I’m coming….


Wayne Young said...

Italy? Italy?? ITALY!?

Samantha Dugan said...

You ready?! Guess where my first stop will be?

Winey the Elder said...

You remind me of Janis Joplin (and yes I'm that old and did meet her), so beautiful, so gutsy with a tranche of fragility, not of pathos but of dignified vulnerability and longing. You are all wheat baby, all wheat and ain't no chaff "gonna dog you down".

Rx from Dr Seuss: Oh the places you will go! Got my ticket, if you'll have me along for the ride.

Kisses. WtE

chris said...

Well as usual, I'm left in the dust...please explain.

Are you going on a trip?

Wherever you're going, hope you take your loyal readers along for the ride.

Romes said...

Can I come too? I really need a break from my reality... Getting to be time for an all night chat session to sooth my soul to get me through till the next time we can be together. Miss you.

Samantha Dugan said...

That made me grin. I remember almost nothing about my father but I do remember watching him listen to Janis, stoned out of his mind of course, head back on the couch...eyes closed as he said, "Oh girl, sing it, you are the sexiest woman alive". So I have to take your words here as a compliment, so thank you.

Me too! Actually this is one of those compilation posts, an interweaving of several things going on but the short answer is yes, I am going on a trip in April and it's not to France. Been holding out for that but from where I'm sitting, can't see it coming down the pipeline any time soon. More importantly, I am aching to just explore more wine, from everywhere. I taste a lot of stuff but I really want to get in there, saturate myself with flavors and aromas, learn more.....write more and not give a shit if it falls under the umbrella of French Wine Buyer or Wine Blogger. Know what I mean? Just babbling last night but needing to write...

That's what this place does for me! Acts like an ear on the couch, up way too late and a little buzzy, but there to listen to my dreams, elation, sadness and longing. No where near as good as having your beautiful face here but works in a pinch. We do need another visit, for both of us...

Ron Washam, HMW said...

My Gorgeous Samantha,

I'd call this post poetry. And damned fine poetry. Beautiful use of images, a wonderful rhythm and sound, overriding passion and a bit of mystery. It begs to be read out loud.

I've always loved the way you are able to channel your heart and soul through your brave artistic sensibility. You don't need to seek admiration, Love, you have far more than most who toil in the blogosphere. That not all who admire you speak up, well, that's the nature of art. You send it out to the world, a big piece of yourself in every post, and it does its work in places you cannot imagine--other people's hearts and minds. You cannot hear their thank you's, as I can't hear their laughter, but you must trust that those thank you's exist.

You're so often at your best when you're expressing longing. I am in awe of your gifts.

I love you!

John M. Kelly said...

We're ready for you...

Samantha Dugan said...

Ron My Love,
Poetry? Hardly, just the late night yearnings of a sometimes lonely, often introspective, and as Winey so rightly pointed to, vulnerable woman that finds some sort of strange peace in the twisting of words together. The way you describe this piece made my heart pound around in my chest, fuck, if it is even half of that than I am very proud.

I sometimes fear that writing about longing as I do will make me appear weak to some but it's a funny thing longing, we all feel it at times and there is something kind of unifying about that to me, and I've always felt there is very real strength is unity. Thank you My Love, for being at my side, always feel stronger when I know you're there. I harbor no delusions about how many people read or get anything out of my posts but I am forever humbled by the ones, like you Sweet Man, that let me know when I've touched you. I love you so.

I've got your number, I'll call you maybe?

John M. Kelly said...

Misspelling edited; trying again:

You got me got me like THIS! C'mon!

mia james said...

Can I come with you? I need a break from this hectic life. I need to recharge so I can go on with my usual day. Italy would be the perfect place.
t shirt printing perth

Thomas said...


My problem is acidity paired with salt. Just doesn't work for me, and Champagne certainly is acidic. Also, carbon dioxide already tastes sodium-like to me. Don't like to add to that.

Having said that, if there's enough fat to overcome the salt, I can take it--that's why certain cheeses work with Champagne, for me.

Chocolate and sparkling wine is usually a joke.

Samantha Dugan said...

Me thinks you meant to post this on the Champagne and chicken post but I do know what you mean. The thing with the chicken is the richness does in fact help and with wines like those....there is so much texture that the bubbles are truly a secondary part to what is in fact amazing base wine. Next time we meet we will have to share a few!

Thomas said...

How did I get here???

Samantha Dugan said...

Not a clue!!!