The last couple of days have found me deeply introspective, last couple of weeks really. Just spending a lot of time in my head thinking about what I want, what I should do and what I need to live happily in each and every second of this life of mine. It may have begun percolating when I started writing about my mother, maybe after the wine blog awards dealie, the ex-boyfriend, the visit from a friend I miss terribly, the birthday before forty….maybe it was all of it, but something began the tiny bubbles that now tickle my ears. The bubbles dancing along my jaw the way they do when I plunge my big body deep into the tub, the sizzle as the spheres explode each one whispering some faint concern, condemnation, worry….laugh.
It starts as it has for the past two years, here with this blog. Me wondering if anyone is listening, if anything I say matters and why the hell I feel so drawn to share myself with all of you. Even now as I hear my nails tapping across the keys I wonder who my words will land upon. Are their eyes rolling, am I whining, being a punk, feeling more connected and important than I have any right to be? It’s so funny, everyone praises me for being so fearless to open myself here and the truth is…I am here seeking. I give a piece of myself, chunk by little chunk and hope that somewhere out there someone is picking up one of my pieces, dusting it off, listening to it, caring for it and in some far off distant way, caring for me. Not fearless…needy.
So I pull away from this space when I feel myself spiraling into that cycle. I retreat deeper into my head, begin undressing my mind. Pulling away all the little bits of long ago, of right now, unraveling them like a bandage, letting each piece drop beside me, each strip tattered and wearing a layer of me. My time, my thoughts, my energy….my want. All sitting beside me on the couch like some tiny volcano…each peeled off segment a curvy piece holding my puzzle together. As I sit amidst the little untangled bits of time, energy, memory, lust, love, pain, loneliness, fulfillment…I start to sift through them, picking them up, inspecting them and discarding the ones that are no longer useful or wanted. I found, as I always do when I do this kind of clean sweep of my soul, there was one sticky piece that seems to gum up the rest. One gooey chunk that kind of oozes its power all over the other areas of my life, clouds my vision and knocks me off the path I set myself upon years ago and much like gum in my hair it needs to be cut out in order for the rest to continue growing.
Usually the sticky tangling bit is another person, someone distracting me, stealing my attention and focus, my drive and desire to just be content with what I do have. This time it is in fact a rerun of that old happiness robbing habit, but this time it is not one person…..it’s a bunch of them only they are not the ones causing me grief, it’s my incessant and somewhat juvenile need to please them. As someone that has kind of prided herself on being her own person, following her own rules….well that shit there is simply debilitating and down-right infuriating.
I’ve always felt that this blog is really good for me, it’s a place for me to explore my voice, rant, expose my passion and get myself intertwined with some of the most interesting and amazingly supportive people. It is still that for me but it can also feed the ugly, oozy gunk that messes with my focus and once that starts to set in it begins to wrap its nasty hands around my throat and chokes the voice that I was just beginning to have control over and even beginning to be proud of. I find myself bending my words as not to offend, trying to think of topics that might make people talk no matter how little I personally care about them. At one point a couple of days ago I was so frustrated that I went to the blog and typed in: Parker, Points, Social Media, Interstate Shipping….Talk to me. Pathetic right?!
After the horrible game last night, that loss adding another grumpy chip on my shoulder, I grabbed my ipod and just hit play…
“It’s why I am”
“Unlikely to agree”
“It’s why I am”
“Climbing out of my monkey tree”
“It’s why I am”
“The one to make you smile”
“It’s why I am”
“A snake in the woodpile”
“So when my ghost comes to take me from you”
“You can remember the fool that I am”
“Don’t cry Baby. Don’t cry”
“Why I am”
“Still dancing with the Groogrux King”
“We’ll be drinking big whiskey while we dance and sing”
“And when my story ends it’s gonna end with him”
“Heaven or hell, I’m going down with the Groogrux King”
Dave. It was Dave Matthews once again saying the most perfect thing at exactly the right time. I’m telling you Mr. Matthews (goddamn it Google Alert) you are the cure for just about anything.
I hit replay and listened to the song again, lets the words sink in, let them absorb all the yuck I had been feeling and let Dave Matthews remind me that I don’t want to, never wanted to be anything other than what I am. I will not live my life by some standard or ideal, my mother and grandmother were both that kind of woman, they died unhappy, unfulfilled and with years’ worth of stuffed away emotion and desire…fuck that. Not going down like that, not in life and not on this blog.
Gonna just keep posting whatever it is that pops into my tiny brain, not let the number of comments discourage me and see the ever growing number on my stat counter, (thanks for that by the way) as proof that someone is in fact finding my little chunks, listening, caring for them and in the tiniest way for me. Fuck I feel better already.
One rant down
God only knows how many more to go…..
Less Sticky and