Monday, April 28, 2014

Getting Stupider

I was just sent a link to the very latest in gender guided marketing in my beloved world of wine, gave me the exact same feeling in my gut and caused the same response I got when I saw Mommy Juice, Skinny Girl and Mommy's Time Out, wine labels, "Pandering, insulting and utter bullshit". Seeing as there is a crack pot team of scheming asswads out there marketing to the diet obsessed "Mommy" crowd this clever marketer opted to aim for some lower hanging fruit as it were. Not jump full into the trenches and scrap it out for the "Fuck I've Gained 3 Pounds & My Kid Is An Asshole" set, nope too much competition there, no lets go for the truly desperate and horribly needy group of women that is all too often ignored....therefore ripe and aching for our attention, not to mention bitter and in need of a drink.

So now we can add this truly tragic and woefully ridiculous brand to the others in the steaming pile of absolutely infuriating and insulting marketing, "For girls"...

Hot Flash Wines (Nope, only wish I were kidding) 

Go to their site and you can purchase:

Covers Off Chardonnay
Mood Swing Merlot 
And the knee-slappingly hilarious

(Founded by a woman, an old much for sisterhood. Twat.)

So I'm now scanning the interwebs, pouring over pictures in order to get label ideas for gender specific brand

 MadMen Midlife Crisis Wines

We will offer heavy bottles featuring pictures of super-hawt, scantily clad chicks that would never, in a million years, bone you. That said the labels can act as "inspirational" material at the end of the night when the bottle is as dry as your palm...and lonely heart. Be the first of your pathetic friends to slobber over the surgically enhanced label models and chemically generated wines. What you gonna try first? 

Bonerfied Bonarda
Sagging Sack Syrah
Less "Leaded" Than It Used To Be Meritage ( Our lower alcohol offering)
Or our special cuvee or reserve wine if you will...
Let Us Mega Your Purple (A blend of Lodi Zinfandel and Viagra) 

Taking pre-orders now.



John M. Kelly said...

Well she'd do me if I was rich.

Samantha Dugan said...

John Love,
Some would, that's true, albeit anything but inspiring. Genuine wine, and women will please you without price ever being a consideration. Hugs to you kid.

Valerie said...

Or - OR, now you can just make a milkshake with "Wine Ice Cream" (Peach White Zinfandel flavored) and tell everyone it's a frappuccino ...while you're watching little Johnny play soccer.

Thought you'd like this. :)

Ron Washam, HMW said...

My Gorgeous Samantha,

Maybe I'm just stupid, but I thought Hot Flash Wines were how they made wines kosher.

So are menopausal women kosher? Or do they just get passed over?

I'm so confused. And you're not helping, Baby. I need some of that Saggy Balls wine. Which, correct me if I'm wrong, is Wine in a Bag.

Fuck, I'm lost.

I love you so!

Unknown said...

Samantha, you forgot "Strut" (The Wine With Legs):
You also neglected to mention "Middle Sister," (this is different from Le Hosemaster's "Middle Finger Wines"):
And then there's "Flirt" wine, in case you're unfaithful to your usual bottle:
And I'm sure you'll be thrilled to read a few pages of Leslie Sbrocco's book: Wine for Women

I hope that helps...

Your friend,

Joe said...

Hosemaster junior!!

Marcia Macomber said...

Oh, that announcement made my blood boil, er, flash, today! LOL

I wanna see some "No 'Petite' in this 'Sirah'" and where's their "Cool Down Pinot Noir"?

Cue the "Gotta Have a Gimmick" ladies from "Gypsy."

Samantha Dugan said...

I reject that totally....although I am storing it away for when I need a new rant along with Gerald's list of gross offenders.

Ron Love,
I thought Hot Flash was how they ruined wine, you know, by taking out the alcohol. "Passed over" fucking killed me, as you often do. Cutesy bullshit like this makes me crazy, as you well know and I can't just grin and lap it up...not in my nature but loving you, well that sure as shit is. Love you too honey!

I will take that as the huge compliment it was meant to be. Thanks love and congratulations again on that new little lady in your life. I am officially saying aloud, I too am rooting for the name Heather came up with!

Saw that you linked me about on this one, thanks lady. We not-so-pliable chicks need to start making a ruckus and turning our noses and glasses down at this marketing nonsense. Truly insulting and profoundly stupid. Oh and thanks to you and John Kelly for the chuckles regarding me and Ron and a noodle...made me blush and actually laugh aloud, Facebook rarely does that.

pvtrailrunner said...

This sorry excuse for a product leaves me speechless with anger.

"Steaming pile . . ."

That's it. Exactly the words to describe this entire concept.

Thomas said...

I will never give up my white Muscumtoday for any of your red products, Sam.

Samantha Dugan said...

Assholes. The lot of 'em.

Ha! Was hanging with one of my dudes yesterday and he had been sent a link to this post, he was telling me how much he loved it but added, "Where's the white wine baby?" I guess I was profiling too. The assumption being that any asshole that would drink Midlife Crisis would be one of those, "The first job of any wine is to be red" idiots. Maybe I should have taken more than 10 minutes to write this?! Nice to see you and I hope all is well darlin

Thomas said...

I'm fine, now that I got your attention ;)

How was the trip?

Samantha Dugan said...

The trip was simply incredible. I wish I had more time to write while I was there but it really was life changing and affirming at the same time. Reminded me why I do this job, work for the sweet people I do and sell wines from people that make me proud to support and represent. The Champagne leg was particularly remarkable for me as I ran into people that knew who I was, from work and from this blog of all things! Still makes my cheeks hot when I think about it. I'm still sorting through everything and trying to catch my breath at work but it was just wonderful.