Tuesday, March 17, 2015

Hello You Devil You, How Much For My Soul?

Okay, so after a nice long, leisurely weekend away, like a whole freaking weekend including Saturday even, (trust me, in retail unless you are sick, near dying or on vacation Saturdays are never off) soaking in the warm sun, hearing the waves pound upon the sand that I grew up pattering my bare feet through. The town I was born in welcoming me back through the sights, sounds and smells that twisted about me and seared my then and now together. The ones that had me on a balcony alone, friends and husband slipping into the sleep I was craving as the warm San Diego night held me hard, tight, pressed its history, our history against my chest as I whispered “I miss you” and “Can we forgive each other?” words to my mother floating out upon the air she loved most of all before I pattered off again, this time to tuck in beside the one that I think has always loved me most of all. 

Now I’m home, alone once again, the botanicals of gin flaring my nostrils and pictures of places I want to go next towering in front of me via my extra-large stoopid television. Husband off to the places he has to be, friends setting back into their reality and while I find myself without question ready to get back to the shop, back to the faces, racks, routines and people I get to work with, for and because of, I find that I am still aching to plan the next trip and after having to decline an invite to return to Champagne this year for reasons both responsible and financial I can’t help but wonder if I might just be selling myself short by not…well, by not selling my soul.

Deep snort of powdered alcohol mixed with the required Kool Aid, with a smidge of powdered blue cheese, you know, for pairings sake and I am here to put together my list of must have wine and food pairings. A wide spreading of my, (coughing-integrity) vast wine knowledge and while I can’t say as I have ever had even one of these mashups together, you can trust me, as a wine writer and junk, that they are all pretty fucking genius.

(Ahem) <-----clearing my throat and mind of any and all matter, let us begin.

The Krispy Kreme Doughnut Dog With Raspberry Jelly and Bacon, (Of course it has bacon)

When thinking about a, dish, with such intense and specific flavors it was pretty easy for me to come up with a wine that would have equally as many layers of weird and unexplained shit going on. I thought to myself (gin and powdered up self), “Self, if you were a weenie slathered in jam and dipped in bacon, then folded into a fat drenched fried bit of glazed dough, what might you like to wash yourself in?” and it was if clouds parted and Parker farted..

Guigal Cote-Rotie. The high octane fruit and vanilla, the deeply jammy notes and savory, nearly liquid smoky aromas and flavors washing down the, um, deeply jammy, savory, high octane fruit and vanilla in the…wait, where was I?

Sweet Potato Casserole Bombs

These somewhat gag-inducing, (but hey, whatever creams your Twinkie) balls of sweet potato that have been doused with holiday spice and stuffed with a puffy wad of marshmallow, these “treats” scream special occasion (and rib stretching gagging) and when thinking about those warm spices and that sweet marshmallow, there was really only one wine that would do. The one and only wine that much like the legendary Dom Perignon had me calling to my comrades, “Hey brothers, come quickly, I am drinking Marshmallow Fluff!”

 Caymus Cabernet Sauvignon. Special occasion puffs and special occasion wine, this one I confess was brainless.

Pizza Cake

Okay see, I didn’t even know this was a thing, but apparently you can build, or have built for you an entire cake made of pizza! Well hell fire. Yeah, just that, hell fire. So I spent a solid six or seven minutes deeply contemplating this pairing. Just who would want such a cake and the wine they might like with it and after Googling “Frat Boy Fart Wines” and coming up with nada I opted for the next best thing

 Mangria. Seven layers of pizza pie washed down with a manlified fruit wine. Challenge me on this one folks, I dare ya. 

Deep Fried Cadbury Crème Eggs

When looking at this atrocity of a, what the fuck, is this even a treat? This thing, I was at a loss. It is a puddle of sweet sugary goo, encapsulated in a shell of cheap ass chocolate, then folded into some dough and deep fried. Fuck. Okay so for this I channeled my inner Miss Somewhere In The Middle beauty pageant contestant. Seeing as this is a traditional Easter treat, that gooey egg stuff, I think the best pairing for it would be....

 Barkan Israeli Sauvignon Blanc I mean I think it is high time that we bury that old hatchet and try and find peace in the Middle East. 

Funnel Cake Cheese & Bacon (of course) Burger

Really?! (Sigh)

Okay so this is a pound of ground beef, half a pound of cheese, 8 slices of bacon all served up between two powdered sugar dusted funnel cakes. Oh yeah, and there is a leaf of lettuce too. If this here ain’t a party I don’t know what is. I can’t think of a better way to kick this one off than with an icy cold bottle of

 Avive Almond (flavored) “Champagne”. Why this pairing? Because fuck it that’s why. That and I think my Kool Aid snort might just be wearing off…

Deep Fried Cherry Cordials

Upon reading this was an actual food that people like eat and junk, I’m pretty sure my pancreas dropped the mic and walked the fuck out. Once recovered from that I set forth in finding you, my serious wine loving consumer, a perfect partner for this, brutal crime. Didn’t take long before it clobbered me, like it did the first time I tasted it

 Molly Dooker Blue Eyed Boy Shiraz! One of these is a sweet confection of cherries covered in syrup, the other a candy that has been wrapped in dough and deep fat fried. How perfect is that? It is as if they were a match made in…

And now, now I just sit back and wait for the coins to fall, as they may. 


Thomas said...

The American diabetes epidemic is a scam...

Samantha Dugan said...

Last week when I had my undies all twisted about bullshit wine articles the images of the doughnut and fried Cadbury eggs were flooding my Facebook feed. Found myself so repulsed and irritated by both I sort of had to "pair" the two topic no?

I still can't believe anyone eats any of this shit....

Thomas said...


To believe it, all you have to do is look at how unhealthy so many people appear.

A number of years ago my wife and I joined a local group of wine lovers. Once each month we met at one of our homes for wine evaluation and exploration. We always brought wine based on a theme, but we also brought food to snack on. Some of the stuff on the table was appalling. I still have no idea of the identity of one dish someone always brought: gooey red stuff sitting atop a mound of what I assume was cream cheese but could have been any number of soft, white consumables.

Samantha Dugan said...

Ah yes, the ever persistent blob of cream cheese, usually with "Jala-peen-no" jelly, because as you know, nothing says wine tasting like "jala-peen-no" jelly. Ugh.

Been an overweight person all my life but I simply never found a taste for any of this kind of garbage. I'm so grateful my mother was a solid, and pretty healthy cook. No boxes of crap, barely anything canned really, fresh food prepared simply was what I was formed on. Kinda like the way I was formed on simple and pure wines...pretty grateful for that too!

Thomas said...


That overweight thing--it's the French fries...you know, whole food!

Samantha Dugan said...

More genetics and serious lack of lugging my chunky ass around. I even rarely eat fries anymore as I find so many just boring...save it for when I know, or think, they are going to really going to get me off. Now if I could just do the same with sex....

webb said...

Once again you've left me in tears - not the good kind. I laughed so hard, i sobbed. Took me four tries to get thru the post. I think you're being too hard on fried Cadbury, tho, and what do i pair with fried butter??

You brightened my day! Thanks.

Dale Dimas said...

I am so stealing this, even if you have trademarked the phrase. I'll pay royalties! "whatever creams your Twinkie"

Are you rich yet?!?!?

Loved it! :)

Samantha Dugan said...

Glad I could help, and hearing that, it brightened mine back so we're even.

Been using that one for a decade and it is a personal favorite. Used it yesterday in fact, with a very young importer, he choked on his Saumur....which now looking it, could be a new favorite term! Oh and I have many riches my friend, just waiting for money to be one of them!