Sure You Can But....Does That Mean You Should?

Those of you that don’t have the very real pleasure of being a Facebook friend of mine, (count yourself so bloody grateful and smarter for not having wasted umpteen hours reading my drunken, “Hey, how come we say Tris-kit and not Tris-qwee?” or, “These underpants, an unwise choice” the, “My hair, being a total dick” and the ever-so-delightful spans when I say something and then answer myself in a succession of rambling answers. Funniest thing, ever, to me and me alone) have been missing out on my current undie-twisting rant that has me barking and pointing my pudgy finger, stomping my Chuck-clad feets and muttering like that wheezy math kid in your fourth grade class that would stroke out each time you missed a long division answer. It’s charming I assure you.

Long time readers of this blog have seen, or read I should say, the flared nostril and chest heaving bitchy fits I go on. I’ve gone after customers, suppliers, wineries, critics and my most seethed upon group, “wine writers”. Critics I get have a job to do, and have some very serious wine chops, customers are more good than bad, suppliers tax my time but are for the most part fun, these wine writers, oh, sorry, “wine writers” these people are getting on my last fucking nerve. I ran into a bunch of them at the writer’s symposium I went to a couple years ago, all these writers that knew very little, if anything, about wine. I walked away from that event feeling like I had just spent a few days with Raymond Babbitt. Super gifted, like in the writing department but, maybe not so much with the practical in the world of wine. I’m talking massive amounts of perfume, unaware that Vouvray wasn’t a grape and pitching stories that made me slunk down in my chair. “These aren’t wine people. These are people looking for a niche that isn’t as competitive by the truly driven and talented as the daily news, or as technically challenging or demanding of accuracy, and actual facts as economics or sports. Peddling pabulum to the unaware and slightly afraid” the slightly sad comment I made when I was picked up from the airport when I got back. Of course I didn’t mean all of them but…the most aggressive self-promoting fell in that camp. Made me nervous and the shit I’ve seen in the past few months that passes as “wine writing” well I was right to be.

“This wine was awful” a tight jawed customer pointing to a bottle of Lava Cap Barbera I had, begrudgingly recommend to him. I felt the knot forming in my throat and the “Dude..come on now” face trying to break through the retail perma-grin. I recognized him the second he walked through the door that day. It was him. The guy that had asked me to do the fucking impossible and gave me a ration of shit because I couldn’t pull a miracle out of my ass. 

“Yes, I need a wine to go with a skewer dinner” I stood there with my head cocked waiting for the next bit of actual, useful information…didn’t come. “Okay, well what might you be putting on those sticks then?” I asked with as playful a smile as I could muster. “Oh, two kinds. One is beef cubes with a brown sugar glaze and red onions. The other is shrimp with garlic and basil” my head did that little tick thing it does when my brain is revving over and trying to implode. “Well, that’s quite the range of flavor there. You were thinking two wines right?” my hopeful lilt. “No, just one wine and we only like red. My girlfriend is a big fan of Menage a Trois, so a nice dry red like that would be good with those dishes don’t ya think?”….thinking, that appears to be the error of my ways. “Um, well okay. There really isn’t one wine that is going to be super tasty with both of those” I spent over fifteen minutes doing my best to let this cat know that he wasn’t going to find a wine perfect for brown sugar glazed beef and basil scented shrimp….this guy was simply relentless, emphatic and arduous. He wanted a dry red, like the rather sweet Menage a Trois, to go with his skewers and was pissed off at me because I couldn’t, or wouldn’t concede that there was one. I ended up telling him to have some fun with a couple tasty reds and see what tasted right to him. “I won’t tell you it is a good pairing but you should enjoy the wines” I managed over a pained and puckery smile. “So, if you had to try and pair a wine with both dishes?” relentless and that was when I grabbed the afore mentioned “awful” Barbera. I knew it wouldn’t be a good match but simply hoped it would be juicy enough to please the sweeter Menage a Trois palate and with enough acidity to not smother the dish. “That wine is awful and too acidy” said with a stuck out tongue and all.

Hate that. Hate not being able to please a customer. I didn’t want to pair a wine in an impossible situation. I knew whatever he tried to drink with those two very different foods would taste like shit. “Acidy” shit even. My hands were tied and now I had this grumpy mug in my face. Where do people get this idea that you can find a perfect wine for every possible dish on the planet?! I mean that seems like a rather impractical idea to me, everything has limitations and flavors can be so wildly diverse, where could these consumers possibly get the idea that wine is appropriate, one wine even, with every imaginable food you throw at it?! Oh, that’s right….

“Wine writers”

So over the past two weeks I’ve seen wine pairing articles for Girl Scout Cookies, Cherrios…as in breakfast cereal, (and that was the third, third breakfast cereal wine pairing bullshit article I’d seen. If you are looking for wine suggestions for your Cherrios, well I hate to piss in them but you have much, much bigger problems to address than which wine will play off the delicate honey and oats, in your fucking breakfast cereal…but the last wank of a writer suggested Sake if that helps) peanut butter and pickle sandwiches and Buffalo chicken wings. Perfect. No wonder. A couple back and forth situations with one said “writer” that told me, “People want to read these articles” but had a strangely absent comment when I asked, “Does that mean it makes it right? Just who do you think ends up untangling all the damage those horseshit pieces do?” and an old friend,  who happens to be a  winemaker, telling me that I shouldn’t be so dogmatic about food and wine pairings. That they should be fun and people should just drink what they like…that also never responded when I asked, “So should wine writers be writing articles that imply that they will actually find wine and food pairing bliss with breakfast cereal and Sake or Thin Mints and Shiraz?” I happen to agree with him, it should be fun and I have zero problem with people slogging back Stella Rosa with their lasagna so long as they are happy. What irks the living shit out of me is people in an authoritative position, the people writing the articles, making shit up and forcing wine into places where it has no real function.  Maybe it is me…

So I turned to the ever knowing interwebs and did a quick Google search on food and wine pairing, holy shit! Lots to sort through so I felt very lucky to stumble upon a “Five Easy Tips” piece to food and wine pairing. 

    1)  Choose food and wine that taste great on their own. (Sage, this is sage advice and why they fuck didn’t I think of that? Here I was picking one thing that tasted good and one that tasted like shit…what a nincompoop I am)
  2)  When in doubt always follow #1 (Really? Only on #2 and we are already referring back to #1?) 
   3) Choose wine and food that complement each other. (Um, isn’t that sort of why I came here? To have you shed maybe a little light on that?) 
   4) Use contrast flavors to have a party in your mouth. (Anyone that says “party in your mouth” is a twat)

   5)  Keep it simple. (Yup, um hmm very useful that)

This. This kind of glib, loose and unreasonable junk is what is now passing as wine writing? Not sure how this is going to grow the wine business…in fact from the look on the skewer guy’s face he won’t be looking to wine professionals again anytime soon. My fault for picking that wine or the series of everything goes with wine articles that are trying to “bring it down” to the common folks fault? Are those articles bringing it down and making the idea more accessible or making wine and food pairing down-right stupid? I’m not saying don’t drink this with that, not my job or desire to yuck anyone’s yum but are we, as wine people/writers, doing those seeking our knowledge a service or a serious, and dangerous disservice by telling them “This goes with this” or that wine is always the right choice even when it doesn’t or isn’t? Got called a snob for asking that. As if me asking was looking down on people and those fakers making shit up, for the “un-informed”, aren’t being the very epitome of utter snobbery. “Oh, let me explain, in a language you might understand…like chicken wings. Oh and I can even scribble you a scratch and sniff if you need a visual aid” Where did these people come from and why the fuck should we take their advice?

Okay. Let me give ‘er a go…

 Bac'n Pieces- The texture and aggressive chemical smoke on this savory...food item, calls for something breakfasty, like Peach or Almond Champagne. Flip the plastic top, on both or all three and have a party in your mouth. 

These Vienna treats call for Gruner Veltliner. No other wine will do.

Well turkey dinner is a wine pairing nightmare. All the sweetness and complexity on the spoon can make one's head spin but tried and true classics like Nouveau Beaujolais and Zinfandel are just what the wine doctor ordered here...the latter having the added bonus of having 15% + alcohol content which also acts as a sleep aid.

Peppers can be a bitch as far as pairings go and add pickled to it, well now things are getting treacherous. Just gonna go with that chick on the can looks pissed so you had better get her something she really, really wants to drink, maybe a few shots of Reposado? Maybe she will forget why she wants to cut your heart out.

Easy, Muscat. Will induce vomiting which causes weight loss.

Who the fuck cares?! These are bacon wrapped hot dogs...the only thing as brilliant would be angel tears.

Caymus Special Select as the residual sugar is a perfect match for Green Flavor.

Duh, Champagne...preferably Boo Pecoche or Moet. (Sort of a cheater pairing) 

Jury is still out on these, just looking at them induced gagging but in a pinch maybe ChocoVine because if you are going to barf it might as well me coco scented? 

Now this is all about aromatics, as in your personal aromatics. Consider your signature scent when thinking about this pairing. Viognier, Gewurztraminer, Riesling and super botanical Gin is always a refreshing choice.  Have fun and experiment!

A good, even great writer is just that, a good or great writer doesn’t mean they know fuck all about wine. Let them edit your journal but maybe don’t let them be in charge of dictating what you put in your mouth! You just want to suck back wine with whatever you have on the table, dude, do it. I encourage any and all wine drinking but pounding a round wine in a square plate ain’t doing any of us any good and it sure as hell isn’t going to help prove or inspire the wondrous and possibly life changing moments that are the rare and breathtaking instances when you have that little sliver of this washed down with a winey splash of that. I guarantee, no Girl Scout Cookie, breakfast cereal or chicken wing pairing will ever unlock the magical gate to that secret garden.

Truth be told, those little palate staining, groan inducing bits of perfection are almost too much to take all the time. Just like we can't lock ourselves in a room and make love every second of each and every day, we can't and shouldn't be seeking perfection on the food and wine front, like every meal. We need to cherish them when we find them. Savor them and NOT reduce them to some bullshit game of Old Maid or Go Fish. The wines and all of us, we deserve better. 

Just freaking sayin'