Alright By Me

“I don’t need no concert in the city, got a stereo and The Best of Patsy Cline.

Aint got no caviar, no Dom Perignon but as far as I can see I got everything I want.

 I got all I need and it’s alright by me.

I got shoes under my feet and forever in her eyes staring back at me. It’s alright by me”

A simple but soothing voice, warm and soulful spilling into my ears, filling my head and causing me and my stress bearing shoulders to sway. My neck loosening and all the tiny bones that run down my back unclenching as the banjo, fiddle and honey soaked voice coaxed the exhale I’ve been chasing for months from my chest. I felt the arches of my feet raise as my toes did as they want to do. Tugging across the carpet, up, down, back on the heels as my teeth dug deep into the fleshy bit of my bottom lip and my floppy hair spilled across my forehead covering one eye, my head bobbing to the playful, joyful, thankful bit of music that pumped through my entire being. Pulled at my core and made me actually smile…like a real, genuine, sincere smile. That ugly thing has been on hiatus as of late. Sure I can fake it like The Best of Cinemax chicks but to catch myself in an increasingly rare moment of sheer joy? Well I would have been pink-cheeked had I not needed it so fucking badly. 

Wasn’t the music really, although I have found former Hootie and the Blowfish star Darius Rucker’s solo, more country stuff wicked enjoyable, and I do still find him a whole lotta dreamy, it was the simplicity of the words, the story and meaning behind them that had me bent, swerving, feeling the tender and plushy bits of old carpet scraping against my flesh as my feet shuffled beneath my chair. The message, “I don’t need no five star reservations, got spaghetti and a cheap bottle of wine….as far as I can see I got everything I want. I got a roof over my head, the woman I love laying in my bed. It’s alright by me.” Resonating and pinging like one of those silver pinball balls through me, bouncing around and slamming against the bars gaining points and momentum. 

Yup, been sucked into some wretched pre-holiday uckiness that has sunk its teeth into my neck and has drained everything out of me. My laughter. My snarl. My bite. My inquisitive nature. My desire. My indignation. My cravings. My drive. All of it buried under a pile of “How come?” that probably hasn’t any answers. It just is. People come, leave, chose you and chose to leave you. Move on to better themselves, dislike you for no and a hundred reasons, the trying to figure it out and fix it, Your issue not theirs. With the playful pluck of banjo strings and Darius Rucker filling me from the inside out I started thinking about the things that matter. The ones that are “Alright by me”

Kicking my shoes off after a long shift. Alright with me because it feels nearly as good as wet lips along my ribs.

The sting of ice on my teeth when I sip a much needed, icy martini. Alright with me because I fucking earned it.

When the sleep timer on the television in the bedroom kicks off. That metallic pitch right before the whole room goes dark and the silence. Feeling like I can hear the tips of my eyelashes brush against my cheek as I lie in the dark quiet and remember…Alright with me because I need that time to, well remember.  

Seeing my mother’s face, in my face. Alright with me because I’m beginning to look more like her, a legacy I’m proud to have changed a bit and when I see her looking back at me through the mirror in the mornings, I miss her less and hope that if there is a way, she’s proud of me.

Sobbing while watching a sappy chick flick love story. Alright with me because I know how they feel…

The sting of bacon grease when it spatters on my skin. Alright with me because it means I’m cooking and creating nourishment that will likely, hopefully, bring some people I love joy…worth it.

Detecting a corked wine. Alright with me because I am still the #1 corked wine sniffer outter at The Wine Country. Got a little skill there me…

Crying because I failed. Alright by me because it means I tried.

The way I rant, stomp about and create little flaming disasters. Alright by me because as much heartbreak as I’ve swallowed and given, these veins of mine are still vibrant and pumping. 

The way I can sometimes smell the night before leaking out of me. Alright by me because I am fine with being less than fucking perfect.

That I am often pinned against a wall with someone “misunderstanding” me. Alright with me because if I’m throwing that off, well I can’t be mad, I feel sort of girlishly pleased. But um, back the fuck up.

That the last vintage of Pierre Guillemot Savigny Aux Serpentieres filled my mouth a little more than this one. Alright by me because it means I’ve had several vintages of that glorious wine spill across my palate leaving a stain that I can’t forget. 

“I didn’t think that wine was drinking. I think I want more fruit or more aged Burgundy than what you have here” sort of Alright by me because it makes me strive harder, work harder, look deeper.

The rash I have gotten from wearing sweats that are too big while I am working out. Alright by me because those irritated little bits of skin remind me that I am making myself uncomfortable in an effort to make myself more comfortable.

Being told that I am closed minded because I don’t tout or promote certain wines. Alright by me because I am now looking for the best prices on airfare to France in April because I have been asked to attend the Les Artisans du Champagne at Les Crayeres as well as having the importer invite me to stay on through Burgundy and the Loire. Big, (as in fat) fish in a smallish pond, never in a million years would have thought…

I get annoyed with my staff at times. Alright by me because it means that I expect more, because I know they have it in them, and we wear the badge of being…better.

I’m like a savant when I make love. I spend hours letting my fingers trace and file away each and every inch of the very few men I have ever succumb to in that way. Alright by me because it means I was in love enough to spend hours, days if you would have let me, with my fingers, nose, eyes and mouth gathering and categorizing your each millimeter. Loving like that is alright by me…

I don’t particularly like Cabernet Sauvignon. Alright by me as there are so many other varieties that need me, my nose, my lips and my particular brand of RAWR more.

I was once married under the moon to a man that spent years trying to run away from me. Alright by me because I still love him and all I need to do to visit with him is slip outside. The trickle of water over stones, the in and out of my own breath, the big swollen moon hanging above the both of us, the “My Love, I miss you so” always just there beneath the moon and waiting…just as I will forever be 

I like to fancy myself some sort of a writer and at times, I am terrified to speak. Alright by me as it assures me that I am still as humble and befuddled as ever. I still giggle when I hear someone call me a specialist and seeing the names of the people I do in my email box….even now, takes my breath away….

At the end of the day, no matter how long and full of bullshit…I have this one voice, these wide open eyes, a heart that while bruised is still vulnerable to true love. A palate that is respected and encouraged, willing and wanting to learn more. I wear an older lady’s face while still having a young woman’s laugh. I protect those I love more than I would ever myself. I am sad but full of hope. I don’t want to talk but I want you to hear and feel me. I’m forever afraid and waiting for the other shoe but….I got this stereo and The Best of Patsy Cline. Spaghetti and a cheap bottle of wine…

Alright by me.