Starting to feel it, that energy that starts building along with that slight frantic buzz that seems to envelope everyone that walks through the door this time of year...including those of us just showing up for our shifts. Things are beginning to vibrate at The Wine Country and considering the fact that we buyers went a little berserk, or were so swept off our feet by certain wines that we have loaded in a mildly terrifying amount of wine, it had better start bubbling dammit. Fuck, gots me a tummy ache and what I'm sure is the beginning of a teensy baby heart attack happening right about now just thinking about the amount of inventory we are carrying...but tis the season and stuff right? I will be holding my breath and twisting everything I have into tight little crossed positions for the next couple weeks....my butt cheeks are less than pleased.
So one might assume that amidst this cauldron of energy and intensity that I’d have no time for anything outside of work, that standy-upy lunch bullshit, slicing open cases, slapping on price tags and helping customers but guess what, amazingly I do find some time in my craptasticly frenetic schedule to like learn some stuff and junk. Impressed? Yeah, I was too…getting good at this shit after all these years. For instance…
I learned from Steve Heimoff that because I like wines of restraint and subtly, that I am of puritan nature and couldn’t possibly be enjoying wine drinking as much as he and his California wine drinking friends are. http://www.steveheimoff.com/index.php/2012/12/06/aging-wine-an-accidental-result-of-bad-technology/Well fuck me…who knew? All this time I was drinking to absolute excess while writing about the sensuality and emotional layers, retelling stories about having a wine dig its fingers into my throat and take complete control of me…make me think, do, desire, wish and behave in ways that would have me stoned in some cultures and fuck me if there isn’t more that I’m missing out on. Well mark my typed words, this right here is going on my resolution list, “Pull off that chastity belt and slip into some pleasurable wine”……of course if all I drank was the stuff that STEVE! and even my beloved Charlie Olken write about I would drink far, far less wine….where is the pleasure in that I wonder? Ah well, what the hell do I know?
I also learned about these….
How could I not know about these?! Poo glitter? How rock star is that shit….literally, the poo is rock star. So I can pay $425 plus shipping, to take a capsule that will make my poo all blingy and shit, and shit. Rad!! Might just have to cheap out and simply bet twenty bucks on which show these beauties will pop up on first, Shahs of Sunset or Housewives of Miami. I feel smarter just knowing these exists, really.
I also discovered that the business I am in is still saturated in Good Ol’ Boy bullshit and when The Drinks Business, (and just who the hell are these jackholes? Never heard of them before this steaming pile of nonsense) came out with their tribute to women, the 50 Most Powerful Women in Wine, not only was you know who missing, this is the original image they attached to the article…
As a “powerful woman in the wine business” I would like to say, “Fuck You”….and “Blow me” asswads. What the hell? Really? We haven’t come any further than this? Thankfully I was far from the only one that lost my shit, (and it wasn’t even glittery dammit) over this and the image was removed, only to be replaced with another sexist and eye roll inducing black and white picture of a tiny woman, in a short skirt, long hair and more fucking high heels. Nice dudes, real nice. Finally someone just threw up a picture of grapes to soothe all the inflamed vaginas…have to wonder if those grapes were from California, I mean I want my inflamed vagina to feel real pleasure for fucks sake….
Opened my favorite business publication, (okay I am so fucking with you, it’s a piece of garbage…pages and pages of complete and utter garbage) BIN to find a thick, glossy ad displaying a curvy, somewhat sexy looking bottle sporting a little tab that read, “Unzip me”…so I did and what to my wandering eye should appear?
Mother fucker. Now how many cheesedicks are going to come in asking for this bullshit, and need it for a Christmas gift, in two days? Crisp white wine mixed with Vodka....because why wouldn't you right? The very thought of this makes my gag shiver shimmy all over my season bearing frame. No. No, we don’t, won’t shan’t and can’t have this….ever.
Send in care of Samantha @ The Wine Country