Starting to
feel it, that energy that starts building along with that slight frantic buzz
that seems to envelope everyone that walks through the door this time of
year...including those of us just showing up for our shifts. Things are
beginning to vibrate at The Wine Country and considering the fact that we
buyers went a little berserk, or were so swept off our feet by certain wines
that we have loaded in a mildly terrifying amount of wine, it had better start
bubbling dammit. Fuck, gots me a tummy ache and what I'm sure is the beginning
of a teensy baby heart attack happening right about now just thinking about the
amount of inventory we are carrying...but tis the season and stuff right? I
will be holding my breath and twisting everything I have into tight little
crossed positions for the next couple weeks....my butt cheeks are less than
pleased.
So one might assume that amidst this cauldron of energy
and intensity that I’d have no time for anything outside of work, that
standy-upy lunch bullshit, slicing open cases, slapping on price tags and
helping customers but guess what, amazingly I do find some time in my
craptasticly frenetic schedule to like learn some stuff and junk. Impressed?
Yeah, I was too…getting good at this shit after all these years. For
instance…
I learned from Steve Heimoff that because I like
wines of restraint and subtly, that I am of puritan nature and couldn’t
possibly be enjoying wine drinking as much as he and his California wine
drinking friends are. http://www.steveheimoff.com/index.php/2012/12/06/aging-wine-an-accidental-result-of-bad-technology/Well fuck me…who knew? All this time I was drinking to
absolute excess while writing about the sensuality and emotional layers, retelling
stories about having a wine dig its fingers into my throat and take complete
control of me…make me think, do, desire, wish and behave in ways that would
have me stoned in some cultures and fuck me if there isn’t more that I’m
missing out on. Well mark my typed words, this right here is going on my
resolution list, “Pull off that chastity belt and slip into some pleasurable
wine”……of course if all I drank was the stuff that STEVE! and even my beloved Charlie
Olken write about I would drink far, far less wine….where is the pleasure in
that I wonder? Ah well, what the hell do I know?
I also learned about these….
How could I not know about these?! Poo glitter? How
rock star is that shit….literally, the poo is rock star. So I can pay $425 plus shipping, to
take a capsule that will make my poo all blingy and shit, and shit. Rad!! Might
just have to cheap out and simply bet twenty bucks on which show these beauties
will pop up on first, Shahs of Sunset or Housewives of Miami. I feel smarter
just knowing these exists, really.
I also discovered that the business I am in is still
saturated in Good Ol’ Boy bullshit and when The Drinks Business, (and just who
the hell are these jackholes? Never heard of them before this steaming pile of
nonsense) came out with their tribute to
women, the 50 Most Powerful Women in Wine, not only was you know who missing,
this is the original image they attached to the article…
As a “powerful woman in the wine business” I would
like to say, “Fuck You”….and “Blow me” asswads. What the hell? Really? We
haven’t come any further than this? Thankfully I was far from the only one that
lost my shit, (and it wasn’t even glittery dammit) over this and the image was
removed, only to be replaced with another sexist and eye roll inducing black
and white picture of a tiny woman, in a short skirt, long hair and more fucking
high heels. Nice dudes, real nice. Finally someone just threw up a picture of
grapes to soothe all the inflamed vaginas…have to wonder if those grapes were
from California, I mean I want my inflamed vagina to feel real pleasure for fucks
sake….
Opened my favorite business publication, (okay I am
so fucking with you, it’s a piece of garbage…pages and pages of complete and
utter garbage) BIN to find a thick, glossy ad displaying a curvy, somewhat sexy
looking bottle sporting a little tab that read, “Unzip me”…so I did and what to
my wandering eye should appear?
Mother fucker. Now how many cheesedicks are going to
come in asking for this bullshit, and need it for a Christmas gift, in two
days? Crisp white wine mixed with Vodka....because why wouldn't you right? The very thought of this makes my gag shiver shimmy all over my season
bearing frame. No. No, we don’t, won’t shan’t
and can’t have this….ever.
Need
Cuddles….
Send in care of Samantha @ The Wine Country
Posts
12 comments:
I'm speechless...because I'm laughing...and I have no intention of reading what STEVE! wrote.
Thomas,
No one should ever put a bottle of Sherry in my hand and let me sit in front of a laptop. Ugh. That being said this was the only way I could share Shit Glitter with everyone, and how could I not really? People man, they amaze me. Oh and the STEVE! thing just bugged the living crap out of me but it is far from the first time I have heard such self important nonsense. "Oh if you don't like what I like than either you're doing it wrong or dumb"....gets really fucking old.
Sam,
The length to which insecure people will go is astonishing.
May I suggest turning away from certain reading material; it helps lower blood pressure.
Thomas,
For the most part I have to say that I admire STEVE!. He says what he thinks, we agree politically and I am in complete awe of his stamina when it comes to blogging...plus he writes extremely well and often has interesting (outside the ass kissing bloggers) comments on his posts but that moronic and egotistical idea that your way is the only right and possible way, well I hate that shit more than you know. Maybe it comes from having to pick wines for other people, something STEVE! is not paid or challenged to do, daily anyway, but I just cannot wrap my head around any belief that my likes are better or more important than some else's. Sure I can disagree, strongly at times depending on the subject but wine, which all agree, (aside from fucking Arthur) is subjective? Nope, don't get it. Don't get it and I'm tired of hearing it.
Stop reading blogs?! That's just crazy talk....truth is I read STEVE!, Ron and Charlie at times but other than that...not so much.
My Gorgeous Samantha,
My poo already glows golden. Man, I knew I shouldn't have taken that junket to Chernobyl. And, oddly, just this morning I saw an article about the trendiest new coffee, made from beans that were eaten by an elephant and then picked out of his dung and made into brew. So I'd be careful ordering a Jumbo coffee.
The world is turning to shit.
But it's so much fun to read you when you're really ticked off, Love. Though I'm not sure being mentioned in the same breath as STEVE! and Charlie did me any good...
Meanwhile, that vodka and white wine sounds really nasty. But if there is any lesson in life that I've learned, it's that you just never know what kind of thing is going to fall out after you unzip something.
Speaking of which...
I love you!
HAHAHAHA! I say all we need in our lives is more Sam+Amontillado+Laptop = Peace on Earth.
Sam,
"Maybe it comes from having to pick wines for other people, something STEVE! is not paid or challenged to do..."
You got it.
The difference between a critic and a retailer is that the former tells others what to drink based on his (or her) likes; the latter tries to sell what the customer might like.
Ron My Love,
I foresee a Golden Pile Awards joke in here somewhere, thankfully I am more than happy to leave the jokes in your highly capable and zipper trained hands. I miss you Honey!
Beautiful Kate,
Okay, what he hell is that thing you are about to eat in your picture?! Oh and trust me, the last thing the world needs in more me on Amontillado!! Hey, I hope you had a perfectly Kate birthday which I can only imagine would involve something wrapped in a tortilla, a fiercely aromatic wine...maybe even a Sherry, and the firing of some sort of weapon. You are badass girlie and I adore you!
Thomas,
Kinda what I was thinking....
Sam, thanks so very much. Mitchell asb3en begging off exchanging gifts this year on the grounds that we both have every thing we could possibly need or want. (He doesnt really get the whole gift thng, but thats fodder for a post.) Anyway, how could santa possibly pass (sorrry, coudnt resist) on a stocking full of poo gitter. You lght up my life!
Webb,
How very Debby Boone of you with the whole light up my life business. I'm thinking the poo glitter would be funny as hell as a stocking stuffer and am I the only one wondering what would happen if you gave one of those capsules to your cat or dog?! Bedazzled baggies of crap or a litter box that sparkles like a disco ball. Awesome. The thing you may wish to consider is just how big a laugh will you get when he finds out his blingy poop pills cost $425? Me thinks there might be some crunched crunders there....
I thought the poo glitter had me shocked (WTF is that all about???) but that powerful women in wine image is way more shocking! That's what we come down to... a 'sexy' silhouette. Really?!
Sara,
I have to tell you, I went from feeling my flesh go searing hot with rage to just shaking my head, pretty convinced that kind of image will always sum us up for some people. Guess all we can do, or all I'm willing to do I should say, is invest my energy and growth in areas that cannot be measured by boiled down simplifications of "woman"....things that don't expire as it were, so shit like that there, (not the shit glitter) can't get to me, dammit.
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