Friday, December 7, 2012


 Starting to feel it, that energy that starts building along with that slight frantic buzz that seems to envelope everyone that walks through the door this time of year...including those of us just showing up for our shifts. Things are beginning to vibrate at The Wine Country and considering the fact that we buyers went a little berserk, or were so swept off our feet by certain wines that we have loaded in a mildly terrifying amount of wine, it had better start bubbling dammit. Fuck, gots me a tummy ache and what I'm sure is the beginning of a teensy baby heart attack happening right about now just thinking about the amount of inventory we are carrying...but tis the season and stuff right? I will be holding my breath and twisting everything I have into tight little crossed positions for the next couple butt cheeks are less than pleased.

So one might assume that amidst this cauldron of energy and intensity that I’d have no time for anything outside of work, that standy-upy lunch bullshit, slicing open cases, slapping on price tags and helping customers but guess what, amazingly I do find some time in my craptasticly frenetic schedule to like learn some stuff and junk. Impressed? Yeah, I was too…getting good at this shit after all these years. For instance…

I learned from Steve Heimoff that because I like wines of restraint and subtly, that I am of puritan nature and couldn’t possibly be enjoying wine drinking as much as he and his California wine drinking friends are. fuck me…who knew? All this time I was drinking to absolute excess while writing about the sensuality and emotional layers, retelling stories about having a wine dig its fingers into my throat and take complete control of me…make me think, do, desire, wish and behave in ways that would have me stoned in some cultures and fuck me if there isn’t more that I’m missing out on. Well mark my typed words, this right here is going on my resolution list, “Pull off that chastity belt and slip into some pleasurable wine”……of course if all I drank was the stuff that STEVE! and even my beloved Charlie Olken write about I would drink far, far less wine….where is the pleasure in that I wonder? Ah well, what the hell do I know?

I also learned about these….

How could I not know about these?! Poo glitter? How rock star is that shit….literally, the poo is rock star. So I can pay $425 plus shipping, to take a capsule that will make my poo all blingy and shit, and shit. Rad!! Might just have to cheap out and simply bet twenty bucks on which show these beauties will pop up on first, Shahs of Sunset or Housewives of Miami. I feel smarter just knowing these exists, really.

I also discovered that the business I am in is still saturated in Good Ol’ Boy bullshit and when The Drinks Business, (and just who the hell are these jackholes? Never heard of them before this steaming pile of nonsense)  came out with their tribute to women, the 50 Most Powerful Women in Wine, not only was you know who missing, this is the original image they attached to the article…

Nothing says female empowerment like a mud flap chick under glass.

As a “powerful woman in the wine business” I would like to say, “Fuck You”….and “Blow me” asswads. What the hell? Really? We haven’t come any further than this? Thankfully I was far from the only one that lost my shit, (and it wasn’t even glittery dammit) over this and the image was removed, only to be replaced with another sexist and eye roll inducing black and white picture of a tiny woman, in a short skirt, long hair and more fucking high heels. Nice dudes, real nice. Finally someone just threw up a picture of grapes to soothe all the inflamed vaginas…have to wonder if those grapes were from California, I mean I want my inflamed vagina to feel real pleasure for fucks sake….

Opened my favorite business publication, (okay I am so fucking with you, it’s a piece of garbage…pages and pages of complete and utter garbage) BIN to find a thick, glossy ad displaying a curvy, somewhat sexy looking bottle sporting a little tab that read, “Unzip me”…so I did and what to my wandering eye should appear?

Mother fucker. Now how many cheesedicks are going to come in asking for this bullshit, and need it for a Christmas gift, in two days? Crisp white wine mixed with Vodka....because why wouldn't you right? The very thought of this makes my gag shiver shimmy all over my season bearing frame. No. No, we don’t, won’t shan’t  and can’t have this….ever.

Send in care of Samantha @ The Wine Country


Thomas said...

I'm speechless...because I'm laughing...and I have no intention of reading what STEVE! wrote.

Samantha Dugan said...

No one should ever put a bottle of Sherry in my hand and let me sit in front of a laptop. Ugh. That being said this was the only way I could share Shit Glitter with everyone, and how could I not really? People man, they amaze me. Oh and the STEVE! thing just bugged the living crap out of me but it is far from the first time I have heard such self important nonsense. "Oh if you don't like what I like than either you're doing it wrong or dumb"....gets really fucking old.

Thomas said...


The length to which insecure people will go is astonishing.

May I suggest turning away from certain reading material; it helps lower blood pressure.

Samantha Dugan said...

For the most part I have to say that I admire STEVE!. He says what he thinks, we agree politically and I am in complete awe of his stamina when it comes to he writes extremely well and often has interesting (outside the ass kissing bloggers) comments on his posts but that moronic and egotistical idea that your way is the only right and possible way, well I hate that shit more than you know. Maybe it comes from having to pick wines for other people, something STEVE! is not paid or challenged to do, daily anyway, but I just cannot wrap my head around any belief that my likes are better or more important than some else's. Sure I can disagree, strongly at times depending on the subject but wine, which all agree, (aside from fucking Arthur) is subjective? Nope, don't get it. Don't get it and I'm tired of hearing it.

Stop reading blogs?! That's just crazy talk....truth is I read STEVE!, Ron and Charlie at times but other than that...not so much.

Ron Washam, HMW said...

My Gorgeous Samantha,
My poo already glows golden. Man, I knew I shouldn't have taken that junket to Chernobyl. And, oddly, just this morning I saw an article about the trendiest new coffee, made from beans that were eaten by an elephant and then picked out of his dung and made into brew. So I'd be careful ordering a Jumbo coffee.

The world is turning to shit.

But it's so much fun to read you when you're really ticked off, Love. Though I'm not sure being mentioned in the same breath as STEVE! and Charlie did me any good...

Meanwhile, that vodka and white wine sounds really nasty. But if there is any lesson in life that I've learned, it's that you just never know what kind of thing is going to fall out after you unzip something.

Speaking of which...

I love you!

Kate said...

HAHAHAHA! I say all we need in our lives is more Sam+Amontillado+Laptop = Peace on Earth.

Thomas said...


"Maybe it comes from having to pick wines for other people, something STEVE! is not paid or challenged to do..."

You got it.

The difference between a critic and a retailer is that the former tells others what to drink based on his (or her) likes; the latter tries to sell what the customer might like.

Samantha Dugan said...

Ron My Love,
I foresee a Golden Pile Awards joke in here somewhere, thankfully I am more than happy to leave the jokes in your highly capable and zipper trained hands. I miss you Honey!

Beautiful Kate,
Okay, what he hell is that thing you are about to eat in your picture?! Oh and trust me, the last thing the world needs in more me on Amontillado!! Hey, I hope you had a perfectly Kate birthday which I can only imagine would involve something wrapped in a tortilla, a fiercely aromatic wine...maybe even a Sherry, and the firing of some sort of weapon. You are badass girlie and I adore you!

Kinda what I was thinking....

webb said...

Sam, thanks so very much. Mitchell asb3en begging off exchanging gifts this year on the grounds that we both have every thing we could possibly need or want. (He doesnt really get the whole gift thng, but thats fodder for a post.) Anyway, how could santa possibly pass (sorrry, coudnt resist) on a stocking full of poo gitter. You lght up my life!

Samantha Dugan said...

How very Debby Boone of you with the whole light up my life business. I'm thinking the poo glitter would be funny as hell as a stocking stuffer and am I the only one wondering what would happen if you gave one of those capsules to your cat or dog?! Bedazzled baggies of crap or a litter box that sparkles like a disco ball. Awesome. The thing you may wish to consider is just how big a laugh will you get when he finds out his blingy poop pills cost $425? Me thinks there might be some crunched crunders there....

Sara Louise said...

I thought the poo glitter had me shocked (WTF is that all about???) but that powerful women in wine image is way more shocking! That's what we come down to... a 'sexy' silhouette. Really?!

Samantha Dugan said...

I have to tell you, I went from feeling my flesh go searing hot with rage to just shaking my head, pretty convinced that kind of image will always sum us up for some people. Guess all we can do, or all I'm willing to do I should say, is invest my energy and growth in areas that cannot be measured by boiled down simplifications of "woman"....things that don't expire as it were, so shit like that there, (not the shit glitter) can't get to me, dammit.