Feeling painfully lonely tonight. Just one of those evenings when everything you want and need seems so far out of your reach that no matter how much you arch, stretch and balance on the very tips of your toes…no matter how much you wish, want or will your needs to be caressed or even visited, it just isn’t going to happen. It’s in these moments, of which I find myself floating far too often as of late, that I truly run through the agenda…the unwritten manifesto of what I really want, need, what I’m willing to give, and for how long before having to come to the somewhat harsh, and often crushing, realization that my attempts to breathe life into something that has long ago expired is doing nothing more than leaving me tired, huffing for my own breath and very, very sad….
The above passage was written two nights ago. Big tears in my eyes as the words bounced from my head, through my fingertips and up on my screen. The beginning passage to my final blog post, too heartbreaking for me to even finish. Been in my head for a few months now, this hanging it up and going the way of The HoseMaster thing, much of which I’m beginning to understand, has to do with missing that talented bugger more than I even let myself consider. I mean who would have thought that those perfectly penned and tears of laughter inspiring posts would have such a resounding impact? Sure they were hilarious, often cringe provoking and sometimes just out and out silly but that wasn’t what brought me back over and over again. Talent. The awe inspiring ability to string words together without the tone controlling aid of voice and physical gestures, he had that and I found myself just longing to be near it.
Even now, almost ten months since his last post I find myself clicking on his blog, hitting up the archives and strapping myself into a post, letting his gift take me for a ride yet again. Letting my envy and admiration feed me, breathe a little more life into my desire to capture…using only my words just as he was able to do. Not only did he inspire me, his talent gave me something to aspire to. Never even really considered being a writer before stumbling on The HoseMaster of Wine just over two years ago, been feeling the loss, the lack of fire in my belly ever since he quit. I miss that voice more then he even knows, well unless he stumbles upon this post that is. If you happen to be poking around Mr. Ronald Washam I want you to know, possibly feel and take whatever pride there might be in the fact that your talent fed and nurtured this silly “voice” of mine. Your gift is something I craved to own just a tiny bit of, my desire to have you even notice me, the me here, pushing me that much harder….encouraging me to peel off another layer, swing my text just a little deeper. Without you I know this blog would have never lasted this long, without your inspiration it sure as shit would have never been written with as much heart. I hope to one day make you very proud….
Damn, feels better just saying that. So while my beloved HoseMaster was a giant factor, a massive reason why I sit here and pound away on my keyboard I was beginning to wonder if he was the only reason. Look, I know many a blogger that could give a rat’s ass how many hits and comments they get. Are just content flexing their writing muscle and tossing it out into the ether, I not only believe that, I envy it but for me….I need more than just my own voice to make it all worth it. I’ve long ago given up on checking my stat counter every hour, given up on blog awards and am near the point of realization that no one is gonna die if I don’t post every two days. I’m all good there but I have been struggling with finding a reason to keep posting. It’s not the what, surrendering my wine blogger status helped there and I knew/know that not everything here has to be related to wine but for me to keep splaying my heart wide open the way I do at times I just have to know that someone is getting something out of it. I’m just needy that way.....
Enter Jess. Last night I had dinner with Jessica, the first of my readers, (that was not already a customer at The Wine Country) that went out of her way to come and meet me. Can’t even remember how long ago it was now when she walked through the doors of the shop, big beautiful grin helping bat away at the butterflies in my tummy. I remember standing in the tasting room with this very cool chick thinking, “She came all this way to meet me, because of my blog?” pouring her a glass of one of the wines he had read about here, a glass of Tempier Bandol Rose. We have had many more meetings since that day, shared more than a few bottles and she seems to end up buying a case of whatever I suggest to have shipped home to her in Colorado, amazing. Last night we sat on the beautiful little patio of a local restaurant, picked at some pretty terrible food, drained two bottles of wine and just talked. Shared our stories, talked wine and nursed the last little drops in our glass as to not have the evening end. I shared my blogging struggles with her and as I was driving home one thing she said had my heart filling and my tummy jiggling with giggles, “Oh no Sam you’re wrong, I will die if you don’t post. I may not comment but after reading you I am often either bawling or wanting to touch myself” and while far from the truth it was assuring me that I am in fact touching people, making her curious about the wines that drive me to write about them, reminding me that wine is not just a beverage to many of us, it’s a feeling an emotion….a lover and for her, (and I hope a few others) this is the place she comes to be inspired.
That, that is why I do this and thank you Jess for the birthday dinner, the loving the Clos Marie Rose and Azo Chablis, for wanting to spend time with me, both here and in person. You girlie, reminded me why I started this blog in the first place. Why I write and with Ron’s talent giving me something to aspire to, well I just might keep at this just a little bit longer. Thank you both.