Wednesday, January 12, 2011

A Visit From Nostrasmartass




While cleaning out my undie drawer this morning I came across this brittle and somewhat crunchy scroll. The handwriting I recognized, the mastery with which it was written familiar, the power and fierceness of opinion nearly palpable....I knew it was something that needed to be shared, a forecast from Our Beloved HoseMaster of Wine of what lies ahead for 2011. I knew it was my duty to share them with you all...oh and Mr. Washam, no need to slink around my pantie drawer, email works fine. Don't even want to begin to imagine why this thing is so crunchy.....


The beginning of the year brings out the prognosticator in all of us, and since I’m over 50 I had to have my prognostate checked. Everything came out fine, if slightly sulfurous around the fingernails. I have an amazing ability to predict the future of the wine business. Most of you will remember that for 2010 I predicted that HoseMaster of Wine would fold. And that Bret Favre would retire. And that Constellation would sell off its Australian wine portfolio because they found out there aren’t any Mexicans in Australia. So as you read my predictions for 2011 keep my uncanny accuracy in mind. Now, if only my prognostate exam had been un-canny.


President Obama will serve a screwtop in the White House—Speaker of the House Boehner.




Our quaint little print wine publications will start to slowly disband or merge. It will be revealed that Stephen Tanzer is actually Allen Meadows the Burghound, who, in turn, is actually a pseudonym for Stephen Hawking who tastes every wine submitted via an enema. The hard part is spitting. Ironic, considering his name. Robert Parker finally admits that he’s dead and points to hiring Mark Squires as proof of an EEG flatter than sales of Syrah. Connoisseurs’ Guide, Wine and Spirits, and Wine Enthusiast merge to form “Connoisseurs’ Guide to Enthusiastic Spirits.” Richard Simmons gets Three Poofs. Wine Spectator is sold to Riedel which then breaks it up into 29 different publications, each dedicated to only one variety. Riedel argues that the size of the print and the quality of the paper determine how much sense the ratings make. Consumers fall for their bullshit again. Mutineer Magazine turns out to be an elaborate hoax perpetrated by Mormons seeking to turn people off to all forms of alcohol and writers with talent.




DNA evidence will show that Gruner Veltliner is a cross between Riesling and a durian.

An article in the “Journal of Psychiatry” will use wine blogs as a resource for studying megalomania. “Wine bloggers,” the authors say, “ exhibit the classic signs of megalomania—an unshakable belief in their importance mixed with the conviction that they and their opinions are special and powerful despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary.” The only cure, the authors conclude, is to be “…forced to read their own works aloud.” Except for the HoseMaster, who should be “lobotomized. Again.”



Pinot Noir’s popularity will begin to wane in the wake of the discovery that many of the most popular brands were made from expired cans of Cherry Coke. This is discovered by a Denny’s waitress at a blind tasting of Marcassin Pinot Noir. Helen Turley appears in a Super Bowl ad for Pepsi. Grenache replaces Pinot Noir as the red wine of choice for sissies, and everyone proclaims New Zealand the best place in the world to grow it even though no one believes it to be true. Constellation buys every New Zealand winery.

32 comments:

Kate said...

Holy Crapass! I needed that. Thanks Sam and Hoselabotomizer!!

Thomas said...

This guy doesn't know his hose from his master...

Anonymous said...

I laughed. I cried. It was better than "Katz"!

Strappo

John M. Kelly said...

You never should have let that guy hold your purse, so he could sneak out and have a copy made of your key. Now you need to put a lock on your panty drawer.

But seriously - I'm looking deeply at my own prognostate (you know where that means my head is) and I predict that Ron's predictions will turn out to be about 50% correct. Therefore I give them 88 points. (Fittingly, my captcha this morning is "prophic" - ah, synchronicity.)

Riesling and durian... brilliant {sniggering}

Samantha Dugan said...

Kate,
Can't thank me girlie, all I did was pass on the word as it were, but thanks for commenting!

Thomas,
Oh The Hose knows.....

Strappo,
Me too! But I've never seen Katz so...

John,
Meh, what's a little panty fondling between friends? And why is it that spell check prefers pantie to panty?! 88 points huh? Wanna know what I gave him for the dismount?

HoseMastradamus said...

Mercifully, this is one of my shorter pieces. I had many more predictions for 2011, but, gosh, I hate to be seen as a know-it-all. And I was just rummaging through Samantha's lingerie drawer looking for a place to put my crystal balls, can't imagine what you perverts were thinking.

Thomas, my hose is my master, no need to try to tell them apart.

Strappo, it's not only better than "Katz," it's better than the sequel, "Litter Box."

John, an "88?" Wow, now you're handing out all your used scores. And I was hoping for some predictions from you. I predict Tom Wark's Sermontation wins Best Wine Blog Award at this year's Poodles!! And STEVE! wins "Best Nervous Breakdown on a Wine Blog" at the Poodles also. Man, I'm on fire!

My Gorgeous Samantha, thanks as always for loaning me your corner of the blogosphere. Now, do I get to go to Italy instead of you?

I love you, Darling!

Samantha Dugan said...

Anytime Kid. You know I adore you and your crystal balls.

Thomas said...

Do I feel like a voyeur? You bet.

Maybe the hose would like to make a guest appearance on vinofictions. I've got to do something to get someone to read the blog. I'm giving up on receiving the Best Unknown Poodle Award in 2011, so I'll shoot for the Best Annoying Poodle Award.

Ron Washam said...

Thomas,

Let's see, how would we measure Best "Unknown" Blog Award if a blog is, in fact, unknown? Very existential question.

HoseMaster would perhaps be willing to guest post on Vinofictions after HoseMaster is done ghosting for ChronicNegress (I'm practicing). Lots of folks ask me to guest post, but then they want to edit my big mouth. Homey, I mean ChronicNegress, don't play that.

Valerie said...

I'm not sure what's funnier - your blog or the comments...Riesling X durian was my fav too - ooh - ooh - and the one about the Grenache replacing Pinot Noir as the 'red wine of sissies.' Yeah - that too. Love the "NostraSmartass" and admire your filing system, Sam.

Joe said...

I have it on good authority that James Suckling likes Grenache...

...looks like your "sissy" prediction has been debunked.

Samantha Dugan said...

Valerie,
Girls gotta do what a girls gotta do right? I figure anything worth having is worth storing in the undie drawer...

Ron Washam said...

Valerie,

I'm sure what's funnier--the fucking blog.

Now the fun really starts when Samantha has Gruner to peddle. My substitute host days may be over.

Joe,

You and Good Authority haven't even been introduced. Suckling was the Italian guy--name his favorite Grenache.

Plus, I have it on Great Authority, Good Authority's uglier older brother, that Suckling is a sissy.

My Gorgeous Samantha,

So you keep your bubbly in your undie drawer? Makes sense to me!

I love you!

Samantha Dugan said...

Ron My Love,
Of course I keep my bubbles in my undie drawer....how else you think they make my bits tingle? I love you too....despite the whole, "darling" thing

Alfonso Cevola said...

Glad to see Hostradamus is alive and well.

Thomas said...

Ron,

If you're going to get all philosophical on me I'll have to take my guest-blog offer to someone more openly ignorant. But then, so many from which to choose...gives me a hoseache.

Samantha Dugan said...

(crossing my fingers) Oh I hope he picks me.....

Ron Washam said...

Alfonso,

Sure, I'm alive, perhaps not so well. It's not easy being a soothsayer--especially with my rampant sooth decay. I need to have my seeth checked.

Thomas,

Oh, more "openly" ignorant! Now you tell me. I keep my ignorance closely guarded. I only bring it out for blogger conferences where it belongs. Good luck with your search. Have you asked those Corks and Culottes people?

Thomas said...

Ron,

Now you are splitting hairs and becoming Sart(re)orial.

Who the hell are Corks and Culottes? Have I missed a blog--thank God?

Constance C said...

"Wine Spectator is sold to Riedel which then breaks it up into 29 different publications, each dedicated to only one variety. Riedel argues that the size of the print and the quality of the paper determine how much sense the ratings make." <--- hahahahaahh

And I like the GV prediction....

Kathy said...

I am not so inclined to troll the wine (or other) blogs these days.

Is that a prediction? Wine blogs on the way out to be replaced by people drinking wine while talking about things that really do give them headaches or make them happy.

Nevertheless, my visit today was a double bonanza - you, Sam, and Hosemaster. Thank you.

Do Bianchi said...

Richard Simmons gets Three Poofs and the Screwcap say it all for me.

Man, Sam, your writing is on fire. Not just these days... chapeau bas...

Samantha Dugan said...

Kathy,
Well thanks for taking the time lady!

Jeremy,
I'd say my writing has been MIA as of late which is why I am so grateful to Ron for letting me post this hilarious piece. I do loves me some HoseMaster.

Do Bianchi said...

@Sam in my early morning pre-caffeinated stupor, I read it as signed by you! sawwy! I sure did enjoy it though...

Samantha Dugan said...

Jeremy,
Ah, a caffeine shortage, that explains it! No problem kid, just wanted to make sure my internet hubby got his due credit....

Ron Washam said...

Thomas,

Oh, get with it, man! Corks and Culottes is an off shoot of Corks and Merkins, which is why I was splitting hairs.

Constance,

It was the Austrian double whammy! I hadn't thought of that until I saw your blog name. Riedel and Gruner--wow, what a contribution Austria has made to the wine world.

Kathy,

Wow! What a cool surprise to see you here. Nice to convene the ol' HoseMaster blog crowd once in a while. I'm with you, I rarely read wine blogs any more. Hard as they try, they all still read like yesterday's newspaper, the one that lines my birds' cages. Same old endless crap. Though Samantha is certainly the exception. Hard to tire of her voice.

Jeremy,

It takes a fine eye to distinguish the difference between my style and Samantha's. Easy mistake to make.

My Gorgeous Samantha,

Yes, you have been MIA on your blog. We'd all like to see something new from you, and a lot less from me.

I love you!

Samantha Dugan said...

Ron My Love,
Ughhhh, make me feel guilty why don't you. But saying sweet things like not being able to tire of my voice might just inspire me and junk. As always, I thank you and as forever, I love you!

Charlie Olken said...

Like the Phoenix, Jose has risen from his own ashes--full of life and mirth. I was sorry to hear about the impending demise of Connoisseurs' Guide, but at least we did not fall into the clutches of Herr Riedel.

On the other hand, his new plans for separate Pinot Noir glasses for the several disparate parts of the Russian River Valley will be very welcome even though Tom Wark insists that no one can tell Westside Road Pinot from Dr. Pepper.

One does hope, Jose, that you will make the occasional guest appearance, and I am thinking that I know just the place for that appearance.

Sam, we needed that.

Ron Washam said...

Puff Daddy,

Yet another of the old gang checks in! Where's Anonymous 1? We've hijacked Sam's blog!

In my HoseMaster guise, I am forever full of life and mirth, as well as many forms of effluent. And I sort of miss this old gang of mine, though providing all that mirth amid so much wine blog mire done wore me out. So as long as there are folks goofy enough to host my foolishness, I just might show up here and there, now and then.

I know where you're thinking about my next appearance, Charlie. In Vino Veritas with Alice Feiring!! She loves me.

My Gorgeous Samantha,

Folks come here for YOUR voice, they only tolerate mine because you demand that they do. You're the star of the wine blog world.

I adore you!

Thomas said...

Ron,

I tried signing on, but found at that Corks and Merkins has been renamed to Merkins Over Gerkins.

Joe said...

rats. there were no facts nor source, nor good authority behind my comment... bloggers' code.

he was just the sissiest I could muster. and though it's Spanish and not Italian, I bet the guy has a cat named "Garnacha".

Ron Washam said...

Joe,

Actually I think his pussy is named Cannonau di Sardegna. Not sure what his cat is named.