Thursday, November 11, 2010
What the hell?!
This bottle was forced in my hand by some random "sales rep" this afternoon. The second I saw it I thought for sure my bosses were testing me. Like they sent this aggressive woman, this wont-take-no-for-an-answer beast with her bad hair, loud perfume, even louder shirt, shitty attitude and eyeliner that was either a result of her dt's or some sort of seismic reading. I figured they sent her to see how I would react in such a situation, see if I could refrain from making my, "Are you high?!" face complete with snarl and scary Sam eyebrow.
"I wanted to show you this" the beast says while handing me this bottle wrapped...and I kid you not, in a plastic bag like the ones you shove your leaky meat into at the grocery store. I looked at the bottle, (scroll back up and feel my pain) and looked back at her while scanning the store for Randy and Dale peeking behind case stacks to see of I was gonna go Di Nero on her ass.
"It's already doing well at Vons" she told me with her one bar too many crinkled mug. This, this was my out. I handed the bottle back to her, the plastic kind of sticking to my hand and said, "Oh okay, we don't stock things that people can find at Vons" grinning, I was grinning....not because I was feeling bitchy as much as I was relieved that I would not have to actually taste it. Stare. Hard stare with a smirk, this is what this plastic bag wrapping, glitter bottle peddling, Baby Jane looking woman gave me. Oh...okay, it's on.
"It's doing well. Why wouldn't a place like this want to stock a wine that is doing well?" she challenged. "Why the hell would anyone drive here, to get.....that, when they can buy it while buying their suppositories?" I replied again looking for Randy and Dale sure that I was getting a giant "F" on this test. "Look, we are a destination store, people have to make the effort to come here and if they can get this while shopping then there is no need for us to have it" I said refusing to take the sticky bag bottle again.
"Here" she said shoving the bottle against my arm, "Just let me leave the bottle and I'll wait for your call" I let the tacky...in oh so many ways, bottle fall in my palm and watched as the sea hag marched triumphantly for the front door, my shock and awe hanging like a bubble of drool from my "how the hell did this happen?" lips.
Got the wine home and after showing it to my husband who instantly said, "What the hell is THAT?" I shoved the bling bottle in the fridge to give it a chill. An hour later I pulled the hideous bottle from its chilling chamber and popped the cork...
Budweiser, smells exactly like Budweiser. That sweet, insipid stank of the world's worst beer....awesome. Took one sip of the nearly clear liquid and again....King of Beers. Fantastic. The one beer on the planet that had me thinking all beer was utter shit was now wearing a fancy gold bottle and calling itself sparkling wine....still shit.
Best part? This hooker juice wholesales for...$21.99 a bottle. Well unless you want the bottle without the "jewels" and yes, that's what Baby Jane called them, you can get the less bedazzled bottle wholesale for $sixteen something....fuck.
Cannot wait for her follow up call......