Friday, May 21, 2010

Powerful




I’ve worn your scent all day
Could smell you with each shift of my shoulders…
My arms
Every move I made had you shimmying back to the front of my mind
Your scent
Now all over me…

Each tiny bit of you that slithered beneath my skin
Made my flesh go bumpy and gave me that “Damn I remember you” shiver
The one that makes my breath leave my chest whispering raspy memories on its way out
Your scent
Now all over me
Again….

So many years apart
A lifetime really since I smelled you last
One touch
One moment close enough to take you in
Feel you and relive your touch, your body, the way mine reacts….
To you…

Here you are again
My body once again drenched in your aromas
Images of our history dropping before me like snapshots being tossed on a table
Exploration
Fumbling
Finding a rhythm…our rhythm ‘
Discovering what I like, what I want and what I need more of…

Remembering the beginning
How it all started
How I started
Part of me was brought to life
Awakened
Sculpted into this woman I am now
Because of you….



Wet mouths
Nervous hands
The way my whole body would quiver
My tummy jumping
My thighs shaking….
My young hands pushing you away
Your earthy and ready aroma pulling me back….

Sexy as hell the connection between my life, my body, my desire, my strength, my want and how something as primal and basic as scent can evoke memories so vivid that I can actually be transported right back to that moment when I first touched, tasted and felt. Nowhere in my life is that more prevalent than with wine but every once in awhile…..

“Get out of here” I said amidst losing my breath this morning when I saw him. “Get over here and give me a hug” he responded. My first, my first had just walked through the door of The Wine Country. He was not my first lover but he was my first almost everything else and there he was standing before me for the first time in almost 20 years. I emerged from the comfort of my little register shield and I felt like I was 12 years old again….walking slowly towards his open arms and feeling my otherwise sturdy frame go soft and damn near crumble with each step. As we awkwardly found the right arm placement for such a momentous hug the first thing that reigned in my overwhelmingly heart thumping emotions was….his smell.

In twenty years, all the dust and grit that he had plowed through, (served 10 years active duty, had four kids, travelled the world) the change of cologne, detergent and soap…he still smelled like the him that I remembered. My nose was instantly reminded of that first kiss. Standing in the park, both of us nervous as hell, another fledgling couple egging us on and we went for it….a kiss. Just one kiss that would lead to at least five years of back and forth, breaking up and making up…but always finding home when our lips met. We were always on different trajectories he and I, we were on a level playing field that afternoon in the park….both young, both nervous, both poor but possessing a certain palpable sensuality that others were aware of long before we were. I’m sure I loved him then…as much as I was capable of at the time anyway, and he was as sweet and seeking comfort as anyone I had ever met.




Strange. It was strange our relationship. We were a couple after that first knee weakening kiss and confidants long after we had moved on to greener pastures. He blossomed years….fuck decades before I did. He became the hot guy within months of our fumbling first kiss, every girl in school wanted him and he did as any self respecting middle school boy would do, he dumped me for much hotter chicks. Worked out just fine for me as I met and fell in love with the man, (um that sounds funny now) that would be my first lover, my first love, a coupling that would end a friendship that started in like first grade….to this day, they still do not speak.

All of this life, this history was weighing on me when my unexpected visitor said, “I have been looking for you. Wondering what happened to you. I went to Mom’s apartment but could not remember the number. Been thinking of her a lot and telling everyone what a cool and crazy woman she is. How’s she doing?”…..

“If only he were over 18” that was what both he and I remember my mom saying about him. He was dead sexy at a very young age and my mom was very aware of all the stuff this cocky but sadly needing kid was throwing off. Each birthday he would come up to Mom and tell her, “Mom I’m 16 now” to which she would brush him off and tell him to come back when he was “old enough”. Goddamn him if he didn’t find a way to come around when he was 18 and she just looked him in his very sexy but so very transparent face and say, “Now it’s time to stop”. Cool, as much as Mom was a needy mess herself she was cool enough to draw the line with him.

“Amazing that you would come today” I began but was interrupted with, “I’ve been calling and they let me know when you would be in” (um, staff…we need to have a meeting) and I have to tell you, I have interrogated terrorists, been in the middle of some serious shit but I have never been as nervous as I was walking through that door. Catch me up Sam, what’s going on with you and Mom?”



“Funny that you should come in today”….still in vintage shock and trying to figure out how to say what I had not been forced to say in years. As I stood there in my sweater that was now soaked in his scent I told him that he came to see me, to catch up with me and Mom ten years to the day that she passed away. Tears, he was in tears and I was in a crazy mess of aromatic inspired emotions all day…..

Aromas
History
Connection
Amazing…..

8 comments:

John M. Kelly said...

Yes a powerful moment. Smell is the most evocative of our senses in triggering memories - good and bad. That's why I love wine; I can still remember the sensations of the first Valpolicella I had with my parents at a restaurant when I was in my early teens. I've identified this wine as my own personal archetype - the wine that has informed and shaped my expectations and preferences ever since.

Smells of things and places transport me back to my youth, most often pleasurably. People - that's a different story. That moment when your past walks through door can be so... awkward, at best.

Dinner at a restaurant with my family and my new wife - I haven't been in this town in ten years and you walk up to me at the table - what a surprise. You smell the same, you're wearing your hair like you did in high school when you were so unconsciously cruel to me, but with a more expensive cut - shot young with unexpected gray that I'm surprised to see you are not trying to hide other than with a frost. The same smell.

You remember my family? You guys all remember ... don't you? (and are a few of you looking away?) Yes this is my wife ... Do I remember ...? Sure I do. You married him? (I hope that "him" didn't come out like I heard it in my head - gawd that guy was a douchebag - graceless of me; maybe he's changed as much as I have - but no your expression doesn't change so it came out OK).

No, no kids yet - you? Really? Three? - wow. They are how old? - amazing. WE aren't that old - hahahaha. So you guys have been in this town the whole time, really? No, I moved away a year after graduation (it might be cruel to tell you everywhere I've been since). We're living in California. Yes, it IS very nice there. No no - I'm finishing grad school. You're a realtor? That's great - you're obviously doing well.

OK... well... really a surprise to run into you like this. You look great bless your heart. (Did that really come out of my mouth? Talk to you for a couple minutes and I fall back in to the old speech habits - yours haven't changed.) Sure... we should stay in touch! Here's my card - give me a call if you get out our way and we'll get together for a dinner or something.

No, I didn't hug you back with the same enthusiasm you showed. You noticed that did you? - I saw it in your eyes, a little hurt. Me too surprise. Maybe it struck you that the guy you dated and toyed with a decade ago no longer exists. But you still smell the same. Maybe I did to you, too.

The rest of the dinner was... awkward.

Samantha Dugan said...

John My Brother From Another,

Really is an amazing feeling right? Powerful was the only word I could think of as it does not imply good or bad...just moving. I am sure that my connection to my sense of smell was the reason I fell in love with wine, how I knew it was what I was meant to do...just makes sense to me as it seems it does to you. Thanks for sharing your story baby and somehow I just KNEW you would chime in here.
Hugs...not the awkward kind,
Sam

Charlie said...

I have a cold today, but if this thread has an aroma, it is a very rich one.

Samantha Dugan said...

Sir Charles,
Sorry to hear you are not feeling well love. You want I should try and get my nurses costume back from Ron, (he likes to wear it) and come take your temperature? Feel better sweetheart and thank you.

Ron Washam said...

My Gorgeous Samantha,

I would think that to honestly know that you recognized his smell you would have to do it double blind. Maybe throw in a couple of ringers about the same height and age and see if you could tell them apart by sniffing. Otherwise, well, you know, it's just bragging.

As for awkward encounters...I once has an ex show up in my apartment, she still had a key, while I was having sex with my new girlfriend. Somehow those situations never end up like they do in porn. As I recall, how she smelled was the least of my worries.

And you may not have your nurse's uniform back. From now on you'll have to refer to me as the Support HoseMaster.

I love you!

Your Support HoseMaster

Charlie Olken said...

Sam--

If Ron won't give you your uniform back, I will figure out something you can try on.

Samantha Dugan said...

Ron My Love,
Now I'm not saying that if you lined up a bunch of dudes and blind folded me (without knowing who might be there) that I would be able to sniff him out but....I might be willing to give it a shot because being blind folded and surrounded by a bunch of dudes sounds like a test I might just show up for.

Keep the costume Love, I was never able to get the stains out of the French Maid costume I let you borrow last time. Naughty thing you.

Charlie,
As long as it doesn't say Celtics on it I am in!

AnotherDayofCrazy said...

Love this post. Brought back so many of my own memories. And yes, it is amazing what a scent can evoke, be it a wine or a man. Both are sexy.