Friday, May 21, 2010
I’ve worn your scent all day
Could smell you with each shift of my shoulders…
Every move I made had you shimmying back to the front of my mind
Now all over me…
Each tiny bit of you that slithered beneath my skin
Made my flesh go bumpy and gave me that “Damn I remember you” shiver
The one that makes my breath leave my chest whispering raspy memories on its way out
Now all over me
So many years apart
A lifetime really since I smelled you last
One moment close enough to take you in
Feel you and relive your touch, your body, the way mine reacts….
Here you are again
My body once again drenched in your aromas
Images of our history dropping before me like snapshots being tossed on a table
Finding a rhythm…our rhythm ‘
Discovering what I like, what I want and what I need more of…
Remembering the beginning
How it all started
How I started
Part of me was brought to life
Sculpted into this woman I am now
Because of you….
The way my whole body would quiver
My tummy jumping
My thighs shaking….
My young hands pushing you away
Your earthy and ready aroma pulling me back….
Sexy as hell the connection between my life, my body, my desire, my strength, my want and how something as primal and basic as scent can evoke memories so vivid that I can actually be transported right back to that moment when I first touched, tasted and felt. Nowhere in my life is that more prevalent than with wine but every once in awhile…..
“Get out of here” I said amidst losing my breath this morning when I saw him. “Get over here and give me a hug” he responded. My first, my first had just walked through the door of The Wine Country. He was not my first lover but he was my first almost everything else and there he was standing before me for the first time in almost 20 years. I emerged from the comfort of my little register shield and I felt like I was 12 years old again….walking slowly towards his open arms and feeling my otherwise sturdy frame go soft and damn near crumble with each step. As we awkwardly found the right arm placement for such a momentous hug the first thing that reigned in my overwhelmingly heart thumping emotions was….his smell.
In twenty years, all the dust and grit that he had plowed through, (served 10 years active duty, had four kids, travelled the world) the change of cologne, detergent and soap…he still smelled like the him that I remembered. My nose was instantly reminded of that first kiss. Standing in the park, both of us nervous as hell, another fledgling couple egging us on and we went for it….a kiss. Just one kiss that would lead to at least five years of back and forth, breaking up and making up…but always finding home when our lips met. We were always on different trajectories he and I, we were on a level playing field that afternoon in the park….both young, both nervous, both poor but possessing a certain palpable sensuality that others were aware of long before we were. I’m sure I loved him then…as much as I was capable of at the time anyway, and he was as sweet and seeking comfort as anyone I had ever met.
Strange. It was strange our relationship. We were a couple after that first knee weakening kiss and confidants long after we had moved on to greener pastures. He blossomed years….fuck decades before I did. He became the hot guy within months of our fumbling first kiss, every girl in school wanted him and he did as any self respecting middle school boy would do, he dumped me for much hotter chicks. Worked out just fine for me as I met and fell in love with the man, (um that sounds funny now) that would be my first lover, my first love, a coupling that would end a friendship that started in like first grade….to this day, they still do not speak.
All of this life, this history was weighing on me when my unexpected visitor said, “I have been looking for you. Wondering what happened to you. I went to Mom’s apartment but could not remember the number. Been thinking of her a lot and telling everyone what a cool and crazy woman she is. How’s she doing?”…..
“If only he were over 18” that was what both he and I remember my mom saying about him. He was dead sexy at a very young age and my mom was very aware of all the stuff this cocky but sadly needing kid was throwing off. Each birthday he would come up to Mom and tell her, “Mom I’m 16 now” to which she would brush him off and tell him to come back when he was “old enough”. Goddamn him if he didn’t find a way to come around when he was 18 and she just looked him in his very sexy but so very transparent face and say, “Now it’s time to stop”. Cool, as much as Mom was a needy mess herself she was cool enough to draw the line with him.
“Amazing that you would come today” I began but was interrupted with, “I’ve been calling and they let me know when you would be in” (um, staff…we need to have a meeting) and I have to tell you, I have interrogated terrorists, been in the middle of some serious shit but I have never been as nervous as I was walking through that door. Catch me up Sam, what’s going on with you and Mom?”
“Funny that you should come in today”….still in vintage shock and trying to figure out how to say what I had not been forced to say in years. As I stood there in my sweater that was now soaked in his scent I told him that he came to see me, to catch up with me and Mom ten years to the day that she passed away. Tears, he was in tears and I was in a crazy mess of aromatic inspired emotions all day…..